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Dec 2010 · 929
Open Gobs and Split Chins
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
I fell of a pavement curb once. 
I was a tightrope walker with an audience of thousands;
I could smell damp straw and hear the gasps as I lost my footing.  
Girls threw their hands to their faces
and relinquished their eyesight to their boyfriend’s shoulders,
who took the opportunity for a shifty *****.  
My chin split and the blood didn’t show up on the red dress
but the audience had gone.

I can still put my finger in the hole, see?  
Even now, 30 years later.  
The tip of my index finger goes right down to the bone,
missing muscular structure,
and it makes me think of a skull with a cleft chin,
kinda how Kirk Douglas will look given a few years of grave time.  
If I wiggle the finger in a circular motion it makes me wince,
something about gristle, gristle makes me wince,
even the word, a sensation of chewing wool.  

It was never fixed.  
My jaw clicks on the right side and, just this one time,
I yawned and couldn’t shut my mouth.  
Blind panic lassoed my heart and yanked it into my throat,
perhaps it was even visible.  
The longest 10 seconds of my life in which I spent a night in hospital,
sat up in bed, howling through my wide open gob.  
How would I drink tea?  
I don’t yawn properly now, I do little demi-yawns,
too terrified of the consequences of Open Gob.  
How would I smoke? 

I used to wonder why it was never fixed.  
Why wasn’t I taken to hospital
and given stitches and x-rays and pain killers? 
I worked that out when I was older.  
It could easily have been a fist.
Dec 2010 · 642
Revisited
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
White striations stack up on skin
neatly horizontal parallel lines,
your corrugated left arm that bears witness
to a right handed brain and I'd
forgotten that as I see you, as you see me,
and I didn't know you'd kept a piece of me.

How could I have known that you'd be casual,
twirling that piece around your index finger,
slinging it over your shoulder as a summer jacket,
not needed for warmth, or that I'd feel it.
There's a tattoo on my **** that used to spell out your name,
and now I wonder if you can still picture it.
Dec 2010 · 1.0k
Point of Obsession
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
You said this,
that I gave more than you wanted
that I surrounded you,
smothered you with plumped up pillows
and forced you into swaddling clothes,
too tight for a grown man.
You were wrong.

And now I wear bedsocks to stave off a chill that
has nothing to do with barometric pressure,
mocked by a too big duvet in an aftershave scented bed.

I take my usual route and stare at the downturned faces
of busy people who don’t wish to look my way,
no matter, they haven’t realised how special I am.

I’m here to win you back.
I’ll come at you with perfumed cards.
Accost you with sugary tokens.
Stab at you with flowered stems.
Your letterbox is your eyes and ears
and I’m jamming myself into it,
waiting for you to come home.
A recent winner of Cooldog publications open theme competition.
Dec 2010 · 850
Tech Help
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
He downloads an app
"how to please a woman"
it's all ******* and rutting...

nowhere does it say
*"make a brew now and then"
Dec 2010 · 1.4k
Making Beds and Other Chores
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Pick up teeth from the carpet,
hide under eggshells in the bin,
cancel the appointment with the dentist.

Mop blood from the lino,
straggles of cloth sprawl in pink water,
scrub the memory with bleach.

Ask the girl at the counter
which foundation is best for a blemish,
get it home and sponge over bruises.

Catch the reflection crying
preen her til she’s quiet,
gag with flowers freshly arranged.

Smile on the school run
pretend the kids are happy,
(she thinks it's the reason she stays).
Dec 2010 · 1.1k
Idolatry
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
I’ll believe anything as long as it’s a lie
if I see a flash of falsehood
if you stumble over words that are freshly made up
if you wring your hands, play with your cuffs
impossibly arch those deep woven brows
I’ll be ****** in
compliant
desperately gullible
I’ll skulk around after you
forgive reprehensible actions
and just say “awww”
I’ll treat you like a god,
even better,
I need that *******
control from a higher being
I’ll worship you
make sacrifice
virginity, purity
body and soul
and then suddenly I’m at your door with a dead cat
and you’re wondering if it’s worth it.
Dec 2010 · 794
The Hidden and The Hiding
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
In crumpled clothes I find you,
origami man,
folded into crevices
no longer big enough
for your limbs to disappear
Dec 2010 · 786
Snug
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Smooth metallic spoons in coffee
stir in time in rhythm,
ever blend form together
concave in a drawer.
Dec 2010 · 1.7k
Defacing Sarcasm
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
I can't write my feelings for him.
The word love was struck from my dictionary long ago
angry grey pencil, so fierce goes through the paper
and leaves a ghost on the entries
"luff" through "lugger"on the facing page;
the next entry unscathed is "lugubrious".
Figures.
Dec 2010 · 1.3k
Wallflower
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Each day she pokes through the soil
wearing moss coloured clothes
and twigs in her hair,
then the wailing starts;
she doesn’t want to be grown.
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Three children, clean and roundly fed,
**** time scraping frost from the ******’s window.
Inside betting slips are torn in half.

Neglect isn't always obvious.
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Drinking Guinness from a wine glass
I watch the beetle on his back
rocking to and fro, frantically jerking his legs.

I imagine his voice, squeaky,
a balloon poodle stretched at the end
and spiked with a shot of helium
“help me, help me!  Please I have grubs I should feed”.
I throw out a laugh like a Hammer House villain,
staggering from the sofa I am Nosferatu,
teeth bared in ominous intention,
spilling sticky black froth as I ****-eye my glass.

Wouldn’t it be good to stick a pin through his middle?
Keep him in a glass box?  Whip him out at dinner parties
as a curio example of helplessness,
“yes!  Look how he wriggles.  Do try the stilton”.

Suddenly I’m aware that I wasn’t laughing.
Dec 2010 · 853
Suffocation
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Flakes slide on the window
as frost crawls under the pane;
in the gloom he sags in today’s suit.
Always pressed and draped, tie laid over
the back of a chair, yesterday’s was
and tomorrow’s will be.  
He uses his fingers and drags out his face.

In the bed where he finds it hard to breathe
she lies asleep.  He watches her, suit presser,
tries to rewind her then grips his shoulders  
and fastens his elbows. Her wicker cabinet,
it’s pink top ringed by tea, is a cityscape
of tubs and bottles; plastic skyscrapers push together.
In the dark her skin smears like buttered chicken.
Each morning he scrubs his hands
to remove the grease, belly dented, soft against the sink.
His jaw works to swallow the blood and grit he tastes.

A clearing in the clutter sees a photo of their wedding day.  
The landing light cuts flashes of silver into the glass
and he shrinks there, cuffs fall below hands,
trousers gape without a belt.
She’s wearing age like gold he thought would suit him,
but he hears the whispers before the speeches;  
slit eyed guests, slack mouths behind order of service cards.
Burning through the picture, blanch knuckles
and crescents in his palms, the reflection shatters him.

Rigid, he should kneel and kiss the face
that folded too quickly, but his cheeks shine
and disgust drips into his collar.  Slipping away,
with tomorrow's suit over his arm,
he filters himself through the gap in the door.
She doesn't move, though her eyelids shine.

Later today he will drink with friends
and tell them it was mutual.
Dec 2010 · 1.2k
Wearing Invisible Socks
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
A metallic seat.
Hard orange plastic.
Strip light sickness.
And I look at you.

Disinfectant scrubs my throat,
sterilising the language I want to use.
And I look at you.

Naked feet, white tinged with yellow.
Invisible socks.
Cotton top welts left in your ankles,
flattening the spidery hair.
So much hair.

And I wonder,
when did you get so tall?
And I look at you.

Sallow face, a dehydrated
caricature of youth, erased and lined.
Needles **** the marrow,
the muscle tone gone but
stubble erupting, handsome underneath.

And I wonder,
when was the last time I saw you?
And I look at you.

Frail arms, thick bandage cuffs
giving little comfort to the empty purple beneath.

And I wonder,
was it how you imagined?

Clean blade?
Neat slices?
Choreographed claret leaving a poignant splash
on your final soliloquy?
Head to camera, atmospheric lighting,
ready for your close up.
Someday you’ll be a star.

Or was it sordid?  
Brutal?
A smashed bottle?
Hacking, mangling,
uncontrollable blood
aimlessly gushing, drenching the rambling note
so the words washed away?
No camera angles.
No haunting memoir.

And I look at you.
And I wonder.
When did you become so lonely?


And I turn away.
Dec 2010 · 862
Dear Diary
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Monday

A telephone call from the Doctor.
He wants to know why I haven't been to see him
and no he can’t come to me unless
I open the door.  The old one used
to leave medicine on the window sill,
this one has rules I think.  He's young
so he follows them.

Tuesday

The Vaseline smears on the window have faded
and now they’re not enough to obscure the truth.
Smoke and mirrors of inclement weather
need to be framed and hung.
I’ll have to buy more.
In preparation I disappear inside
my coat.  No-one sees me,
but now the cat is cold and
he'll need litter instead.

Wednesday

Made up faces are patronising me from
the South Bank, concerned to find me
hiding in cobwebs.  I beg them to stop.
They suggest I call this number and choose
A, B or C.  

Thursday

I find mould growing in the bath.
I water it down
and make finger paintings
of the people I used like.  
Sludgy green eyes and plug hole hair,
rust coloured cheeks.
I don’t remember enough but it suits them.

Friday

Sharp toothed children knock on my door.
They want their laughter back.  I tell them
I can’t do that, using the letterbox and
gingerly offering the tears I’ve collected.
My hand is slapped from underneath.
I’m drying out.

Saturday

I stay in bed today.
The floor is slipping away.

Sunday

I watch Songs Of Praise
and pray.  He'll get back to me tomorrow.
Dec 2010 · 729
Top Deck Seasons
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
I’m summer.

I know this because my feet are heat swollen
and my wedding ring doesn’t fit. Pushing sausage
fingers through a listless fringe, careful to avoid streaking
the melting liner on lower lids. The magnified sun radiates
an inch from my elbow and though summer’s intensity
bullies my strength, I can’t fall asleep,
I'm too busy.

I want to be the Autumn Ladies
sat at the front, gradually turning a shade
of burnt orange, accustomed to long and fruitful
summers.  They giggle in linen as the driver takes
bumps at speed, shaking their hair and dishevelling
leaves.  They’ve nurtured their seeds and are watching them
fall, their branches are freeing from burdens.

Winter sits near the stairs, cool and serene,
******* on travel sweets secreted in tins.
They watch Autumns’ laughter and smile,
remembering the fun after studious graft;  their seeds
are now trees in a burgeoning forest. At ease with their
future and legacy’s passed, their season is long and
peaceful.

Spring lies at the back, the most to prove, planting
to do, troughs to plough.  She looks to thinning out,
the culling of friends; only the strong will
survive the gardener’s hand.  Much expectations
are placed on her future, her bark underdone,
colours unknown against seedling green.  She strives
for sun in the shadow of elders, wild growing
weeds threaten her path.

I’m glad I’m not Spring anymore.
Dec 2010 · 836
Conveyer Belt
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Serve lush lies
on a delicate breath
wrapped in a station
holding flowers
and condoms in a blue case
two things essential,
one to say thank you
the other to spare the
piteous smiles of pristine nurses,
gum clinics, abortionists tables,
what would it matter?
Most of this would still be removed.

Flick eyes up
over fizzing cans
two straws roll on lips
and train track rhythm
as teeth bite down
(could his need for fellation be more obvious).

Arrive at the destination
and fidget under clothes
for keys and *******
against the wall
******* taut
and dampness under bra
as the door swings open,
"the bed has fresh sheets
just for you"

You're supposed to be happy.

Time to smile.
Dec 2010 · 1.5k
Role Play
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Piled in corners
are things I've tried to be.
Study books build staircases,
art materials stack up in paint splashed bonfires,
a yoga mat lolls like a disembodied tongue
and the sewing machine crouches beetle like,
chews on thread
weaves a cocoon over itself.
Pictures line the walls.
I smile behind glass,
children tuck in, arms tight.
Dec 2010 · 726
The Mothers
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
i
She walks past you
features limp
protective hand in the small of her back.
You won't know that she bleeds too early.

ii
She rushes past mothercare
sideways glance at the cardboard baby
talcum powder clouds, cotton socks.
You won't know that there's an empty cot
at the foot of her bed.

iii
She soaks the sheets with tears and milk
full ******* that ache when your baby cries.
You will have been told that hers never woke,
and hold yours tighter as the nurse draws the curtain.
Dec 2010 · 842
Lonely Tree
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Mark’s hands are grooved by ***** handles
grown on trees in the garden. He fastens bundles
and plains the best, saves leftovers for autumn piles.
The forks and tangles become a bonfire
where his children pull on woollen ears, spin red cheeks
with tumbling songs, watch Mark butter tinfoil spuds.

The children sneek off into adulthood and play catch
with a gilt wooden box, the pick of the grain
from the trees in the garden where a new ***** fills in gaping holes.

The box throws out branches in a cobwebbed cupboard.
Green hands with grooves droop in summer
then yellow and fall in the middle of autumn.
The bottom of the cupboard mulched with bones
and the children’s cheeks still burn.
Dec 2010 · 862
Relief
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
She calls me for bath time,
it’s Sunday night,
the smell of Vosene won’t wait.
I will not face the cabinet mirror.

A pier slumps, soaks water
into fragile stilts
while a Houdini wannabe escapes
from a chamber in the main hall.

Somewhere there is applause.

She offers to come in and wash my
hair; I decline, swish my voice into splashes.
To her I am small, unthreatening.
There is no need for alarm

but she doesn’t know
that I was already poisoned,
that my handwashed bras
smell of sour milk.
Dec 2010 · 1.6k
The Day Barbie Died
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
We found **** in the den that day
high on gas, giddy at the sight, it was inevitable really
and at half past three, sometime in July,
I slide along the living room wall
wearing chintz paper.

In my room I pirouette as a jewellery box *****,
Regal Kingsize, Butane and crushed grass
radiate like a Glade plugin (essence of rebellion).
Barbie snake eyes me “What have you done?
"Oh My God! You know how much trouble you’ll be in,
you shouldn’t have let this happen”
her voice is glacier planes and a million icicles form in my chest.
I tell her to shut her mouth while swallowing ice
before it melts into a puddle at my feet.

She never spoke again.
Dec 2010 · 814
Prayer
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Early morning,
houses blink at the light, curtains lift, fall.
As Dads march down garden paths
windows see my hysterical feet fling me outside,
tiptoes, Y shape, appease the eyes
of the white knuckled joiner,
“please come home in a better mood”.
Sign language; I am too young to speak.
Dec 2010 · 668
Clear out
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
The charity shop smells of yesterday's arguments
and the mannequins legs' are slimmer than mine.
She poses ethereal in the window,
wears a skirt I outgrew 2 years ago,
he would be on her if she could part her peachy lips.
I look beyond, hidden, watch
while he haggles over the price of his own shirts.
I laugh, I skip and potter home,
my thighs chafe,
I don’t care.
Dec 2010 · 529
Lost
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
I move too fast and forget to tell you where to be.
The door we are supposed to meet at is old,
wood peels orange and rust dulls the shine of hinges,
try to flake it off with vague fingers,
they slip away into acrid clouds.
This house knows our bodies, we coloured the walls
and washed, re-washed the plates.
You don't remember where it is.
Dec 2010 · 882
The Space Between Walls
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
In the space between walls
stagnant dust swells with manor house tales
of births and deaths, a ****** or two,
marriages, affairs and locked away shames.
We squint and we peer at moth eaten carpets
that hang from the wall, too delicate now
for tread underfoot, for stamping and squishing
and pounding out rows, unravelling structure,
whispers carry to the end of the hall
"have we made the right choice?"
"Please lower your voice,
I would find it too hard, but I can't know your pain"
The heart is merely a muscle afterall.

It was a hospital once, commandeered for the rest
of shell shocked tommies, basket case brigade
gone mad from the sight of vaporized mates,
claret sprays like champagne in traumatised hands
and they're there in the dust,
deformities rot in the space between walls
"and is this the right date?"
"yes" (I'm hoping we're late)
but an embryo is only a blob afterall.

A natural progression from soldiers to nutters
a bedlam, barbaric defective discharge
"if they wont agree then persuade them".
"Just do what is best".
Take the pill force the fluids
splayed over a bed,
and then throw out what's left,
the muck and the grief,
after scraping and clearing
the space between walls.
Dec 2010 · 472
Visiting Rights
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
Half light slips and spreads nakedness over black furniture,
he turns to her and speaks
“tell me a secret;
tell me a secret so I can slam you into the mattress once more
and feel we’re still connected”
She sighs, brick walled air,
“you know them all, let me sleep”
he kicks onto his back,
“then how can you look through me?
Why does your hair stand on end when I touch you?”
Running ten fingers down her front,
static charge glues sheets to skin.
She places one hand
on the pillow next to hers;
“because I buried you two years ago”
Dec 2010 · 987
A Vivid Kind Of Dark
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
She thought of it once
over the edge, sand stung cheeks
feel a chill and a thrill
and inch a way into dark.

She tried it once
glass
glints of excitement
painting stucco relief
on marble arms.

She ****** it up twice
rising through fog
coming to rest on a cold plated bed
shatter spines and splinters that drip on the floor,
leave more behind and
flirt with a pharmacist's smile.

Pity is empty and love is a chore.
She looks at you with eyes that
question your motives, sarcastic, acerbic
though you're not at fault.

Shake her if you feel the need,
by the shoulders, wrench the anguish
from your broken chest, smother her with it,
knot it into her hair and make her wear it,
a chewed up straw hat that makes summertime choke.

You can't do this anymore.

She likes it too much.
Dec 2010 · 1.8k
An Omission
Claire Bircher Dec 2010
In the days when dry ******* was as far as it went
I just fancied you more.
Strange I should think of this, after the one positive stick
in an ammonia scented carrier bag of negatives, or not.
Like a car salesman in a too often dry cleaned suit,
I enticed you with lurid banners offering years of hetro milage.
"££££££££££££££s of savings, no contraception needed,
this one wants a bun in it's **** loving oven",
and as I ***** down my eyes at the sound of rustling sheets,
signifying an imagined eroticism,
a rub down with an ******* my friends would squeal for,
I'm wishing you were a chick with a *******.

— The End —