Tiptoeing under and over the darkness
looking for you but there's no one there
my mind is racing through long empty streets
my nose keeps dripping, my heart skips a beat
allergic to feeling but mind doesn't respond
I sneeze them out.
I write them out.
I talk them out.
I *** them out.
Yet they are back again
forcing me into one more long night

after two years
they brought you up again
I couldn't even feel when the therapist asked
yet my eyes became blurry
my throat tightened
my face clenched
I could barely speak

I never think of you
I hope you think of me every day

i watched the dance
the dance about what is wrong with me
it contained the passion i have lacked these past few years
as i've been taught to control myself

advice to the ruined:
do not let them dull you

i read a story i wrote 3 years ago
the diction, the creativity, the piece was pure genius and passion
now my mind can not even think of a line to put down

advice to the ruined:
do not let them dull you

i used to cry on the spot
everything was so close to the surface
and now...
for hours i dig
and dig
deep inside myself
but every trigger that i try to set off has been diminished by one therapist or another
and the knot that is tightening right below my heart needs to be cried out
but i can not reach it

advice to the ruined:
do not let them dull you

when i was little i had so many boyfriends
i fell in love in the blink of an eye
and i shone with a light that erased the sun
when i was held by someone i could barely stand my skin holding me in
now...
it scares me to have *******
and i don't know if anyone is squeezing my **** or not

*advice to the ruined:
do not let them dull you

the same old line jumps off my tongue

hi, how are you
i'm fine, how are you?
i'm well, thank you

this time,
there is a pause

the old man looks at me
his skinned is tanned as a hide
but not as wrinkled as some
you can see through his blue eyes
his spirit lurks close to the surface of his eyes
they seem to contain a whirlwind of white clouds and sky
his gray hair is quite dark and shiny
it lays in columns on his head
combed to perfection

we're both lying the old man says quietly
i look up
surprised that someone would question my honesty
i really am well i tell him how are you lying?
i just got out of chemotherapy
he tells me this matter of factly and i feel slightly awkward as i look up at him from my work
i'm sorry. your hair looks great.
thank you.
your total is 53.54. i hope you have a good day.
thank you. the same to you.
the conversation was over
and i will never see the old man with cancer who came through my check out line ever again

my body
throbs with longing
my hips
have a gravitational pull forward
into the hole in front of me
my hands
shake as they caress the air
that used to be where your scratchy orange beard was
my heart
cries a little bit each day
as tears drip from the tip of my left ventricle
my heart grows smaller
and i loose the memory that i had of you from moments before

i have been with many people
boys, girls, men, ******
but i have never been touched by someone with so much respect for me
the opportunity to **** me came
you let that opportunity to **** pass
instead of diving straight in
you caressed my hands
you waited for that perfect moment to kiss me
you had lunch delivered to me
you bought me the most beautiful roses
and when it came time to sleep next to me
you did not even go inside of me
you admired my body
you kissed me so sweetly
and you made me the happiest ******* earth
i may have been with a lot of people
but i only want to be with you

i wrote lists of people
i knew
and i meant to write to all of them
but never send the letters
i wrote to four of them
but the truth about my past dug too deep for me to continue
i burnt that list of people
and the tension i thought i had with them
burnt with that sad piece of notebook paper