you only see me when you need to
when love's left you on the ground
you look to me to pick you up
but once you're up
you're gone

chase that rabbit in the snow
yearn for your world that's long been broken
just fall deeper
it seems better
ignoring me, a chance, a risk

I let you see me as a child
always putting me in second place
if anything I've learned from you
this must be most important
you always say but don't believe that

my heart comes first

when will my heart stay still for me
that through my sleep
your evil sunk in me I'll see

you came to me
when never did I want to wake
and now, my love, I'll show your fate

come dear
come love
come play with me
who whispers in the dark
I know you took my heart

I feel it's time for you to sound
your holy curses underground

I will not bear your heart
although you'll hurt when we're apart

for in my deepest dreams
in this disease where you left me
I found each corner of my soul
and in each one I let you go

and though you think it can't be true
into the fire I'll love you
but now... I'll find you underground

where never your vain cries will sound

I stare at the moon as she brushes my face with snow
and I beg her to lift me up high
out of this room and into the night
so that I may be with him

my mind soars at thoughts of him
my voice sings for him without my permission
my throat aches with the strain of breathing
my ears yearn for his voice to make this world more bearable

he makes me thrive on so little contact
for just one word is like a chorus
making the music to which my heart beats
if not for him that music would have died

my fingers reach for him in the dark as he lies miles away
my legs ache to run to him, when we must be apart
my arms shake with the need for him to fill them
my lips par, unconsciously, as I dream of his kiss

at every turn I see his face
I can almost feel him beside me
I turn to Moon with teary eyes
there's nothing she can do for us

my eyes cry, though I know it does no good
my pulse sprints as I picture his face
my soul catches fire, making my darkened heart glow
I know it is hope that warms my heart

it's all because of his kiss
that feeling he knows I can't fake
as though I would melt through the floor
without his arms holding me to him

and then the next day...

I listen to the phone ring
and that familiar recording saying how
he's never there
and then the crushing pain of doubt suffocates me

but later in the night...

there's his ringtone
and his excuses
the fight dripping with my tears
but in the end, I knew how my day would go

yes, I forgive him another time
I wonder if he'll really change
he wonders if I'll ever trust him
this whirlpool pulls me back to yesterday

and his kiss

that makes it impossible to let go
while the pain makes it inevitable

the piano hammers lonely notes into the air
black claws shield the flame
her breath pulls the fire down
watch the colors swirl in her glass chamber
words rise in the smoke

fingers light on mechanical buttons
a hammer wakes another string

Alice brings her anger up
she slams it down on paper
reins it in with her drifting music
inhales...watches it turn to smoke

cozy in this flaming world
her inspiration comes to life
that swirling brew of words and notes
are suffocating in the smoke

dying on your lips
these words you said would last
forever
I'll wait until it's clear
there's nothing left

love me on your own time
it seems that mine doesn't
satisfy
your hopeless thirst for another world
a life without your scars

it's just another mark to me
your conscience is
clear
of my scars
that will never fade

away
in time

his words make my cuts burn
seeping into me letter by letter
sharp edges opening cuts I'd forgotten
they fill me with fear as each word sinks in
struggling to keep us together
with these words in my veins
and none of the words I need
trust, respect, love, caring
it's so hard to be against them together
when I don't know where he stands
I need to know why I'm fighting
and if he even wants me to

he still wants her
he thinks he needs her
when she left him to die
and I'm here trying to keep him alive
still...
he wants her

I can never be her
who would break him again
I want to be something better for him
and I want the respect that he says I deserve

I want him to be something better
for me

all my thoughts like rain
falling on my face, and hiding my tears
should I talk about it?
should I use umbrella words to keep myself dry?
I don't think that helps
lying to yourself to stop the rain
when you know you can't
you know no one can stop the rain
but I'll use the umbrella anyway
keeping my face dry, and watching the rain fall around me
each drop bursting on the ground
my thoughts crashing against the weight of reality
putting my umbrella down, I can let them soak into my skin
not just hiding my tears, but washing them away
I don't think I'm afraid anymore
I leave my umbrella in the street
I'd rather walk in the rain

I couldn't say this out loud:
you are all my worst fears
my past I strive to forget
in the form of my greatest friend
my final chance
a glimmer of hope
how can trusting you be so hard
when I continue to expose My Soul to you?
I've never said no to you
this is the only thing you can't fix
I'm too afraid to say it
I can not speak the words I know will set me free
you say I never listen to your advice
oh love...I listen far too well
in your absence, I have failed you
I have given up on myself
and all the hope you gave me
I fear insanity
because I know how simple it is
to let your mind...slip
and the most pathetic part
is my dependence on You

fleeing my demon, I hit a wall
just high enough to transform me into a child again
cowering before monsters I am not prepared to face
I don't know how it got there
but there my wall stands
keeping me from my salvation
I pound against it, though I know I'm only increasing my pain
blood runs down my arms
I turn
face to face with my demon, I sink down against the wall
knowing I could have saved myself, but not knowing how

raw, bleeding words flow onto paper
screaming from the shock of exposure
they say what he went through
or rather
what we put him through

friends that dismissed him
now read his last poem
the closest he got
to a suicide note

...forced to this...
...want to turn back...
...then they'll be sorry...

there are no tears
no "heartfelt" sentiments to the family
he's still breathing
before he finished his last line, he realized
we'd done the job for him

he still breathes
but is it worth it?
bleeding from the inside out
doing nothing, feeling everything

autopsy shows:
a shattered heart
an overworked liver
and a soul that never had a chance