it's that sinking feeling,
you know the one-
like getting water in your ears
or wearing wet socks in dry shoes.
Like when a person takes too long to reply to your
"I love you"
or simply never replies at all.
I'm sure you've felt it,
the feeling you get
as you wait for the police officer to return
with your license and registration.
Five minutes seems like five days.

I don't know how to deal with things.
When I don't know how to deal with things, I write.
I write about the way I wish things could be,
the way I wish things were.

It's like I'm on auto-pilot,
watching as a series of events unfolds
with no real control over how they happen.
Or when.

And why?
Maybe Karma.
Maybe bad luck.
Maybe no real reason at all.

Maybe I don't matter so someone else can.

I used to be a daddy's girl.
And maybe I still am.

Maybe that's why I work so hard to earn his approval.

Maybe if I were a boy.
Maybe if I were more submissive.
Maybe if I didn't exist.

Maybe then he'd love me.

Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
Bite my lip and I'll kiss yours.
Say my name and I'll say
"More."

I like him for his smile
and the way it has a way of traveling throughout his whole body.
And his eyes
like two hypnotic mood rings
that glisten with unspoken promises.

Maybe it's the way
he laughs
and I feel as though my heart is pinched
between his thumb and forefinger.

Maybe I love all the bits of you.
*Even the ones you didn't think I knew.

I don't want to cry.
But sometimes I do.

I'm not a prayerful person.
But sometimes I pray.
Not that any of my prayers deserves to be answered.

I've been driven to beg.
Bartering.
Ultimatums.

I want
I need
Give me

Do you ever feel so hopeless
that it paralyzes you?
All you can do is watch
as fate demolishes your plans for the future.
******* all over your dreams.
Tearing up your innocence,
not even bothering to recycle the debris.

Put childish things aside.
Grow up and get a real job.
Get married and start a family.
You owe it to yourself.
To everyone.

Another birthday passes.
Another debt to pay.
Another year spent.

Let's get married in Vegas.
Cheap rings.
Cheap wine.

Let's have a ramen noodle dinner party.
A quaint occasion.
In our quaint cottage.

Let's dive into the ocean
Floating among the plankton.
Glowing like stars in the sea.