I woke up late. **** it I hate waking up late.
Hungover. Terribly hungover.
Shower


the only way ill be able to start today is if i crawl in that shower. turn the water all the way up to scolding.
I sit and let the water hit my back like ambers from fresh flames
i watch my skin turn pink from the heat.
I sit and sit and think of where to start and how I didnt want too and there is too much to do ,
going back and forth with myself for much to long on where to begin
I grab my shampoo and begin to wash my hair.
Wash it all out baby, it's all good, just wash it out.
Skin still burning
Im still sitting
Still dissapointed in myself for drinking
and then all at once ,
I wasnt.
I sat up and then I just got up. I got up and reached the dial and turned the water all the way cold. I needed it this is what I need I need to get out of my comfort I need different my body and life is begging for change so I turn the water even more make me feel like im ice
Wake me up.
i reach for my conditioner and massage it into my hair from the tips to the root and twist it into a bun
I grabbed my sponge and teatree wash and poured
and told myself
Scrub.
Scrub it all away. Today is a new day you are reborn everyday is a new chance every day you are forgiven if forgiveness is what you choose and you can be better. todays my chance to be better. All I have to do is begin
I walk back underneath the icy water and my eucalyptus plant and i rinse
I close my eyes and rinse
and I stay under awhile longer and just embraced the cold.
I open my eyes turn the water off .
Thankyou
Bless You

negativity has hit our univerese like a plague in the recent years. at first overlooked and now progressively growing inside everyone each day.
in the smallest things subconsciously our minds and the minds of youth.

im not going to write poetically right now i just need to be 100% raw. In everyday things im noticing even in myself that i am influenced by things i see on social media.
the memes we share and promote and advertise to all ages and ranges  comparing one women or man to one another is toxic and feeds jealously and negativity. people putting one another down. classifying. ranking one another, im guilty of it too. and i just am trying to change the way i look at them the people i envy i have to bring it back and recognize the things i am jealous of or envy i have all of hose things inside of me and i need to bring them to light and everything we want we everything i want can be reached can be achieved.
and also the age line is basically none existent but we have to remember it all starts with a vision.
it all starts with a idea or a dream.
you see a beautiful women or man and them be super successful in business remebers they were once where we were , where i feel like i am. ive been lost my life has been a mess ive been distracted careless , to my dreams and the bigger picture and my ultimate intentions for myself and my life.
But then the other day I saw it.
I saw my own light. I remembered who I am.
I am not the chaos I have lived through I am not the damage that has been done and that cannot  be changed.
I am the difference. I am the force that can change it all. I can take away all my pain. kiss my own hands. I forgive you I love you.
Let things go let people go if they want to leave dont fight it let them go.
Let go of the dresses and secrets they wont return. Its okay
there are more dresses.
There are more people to share your love with.
People just waiting to come into your life and thrive with you.

This is the begining for me
Forever starts today.
The relationship with myself. To build and support my dreams as much as I do to everyone I love.

why has this happened
Why has he done this
Questions often asked
In the bitter end.
That’s the wrong approach
What has this taught me
What lesson am I learning
How can I grow?

-  every failure is a lesson every lesson is a gift

I believe in love
I believe in the songs
Humming birds sing
Into the Golden skies as
The moon and sun meet

I believe in the butterflies
The feeling they bring
That flutter in my belly
I believe

I believe
In Love
I believe in the bigger picture
In destiny
Fait created out of stardust
I believe in the beginnings
I trust in the Endings
I believe in love

i remember my first thoughts of you
how your eyes were gold
they glimmered when i looked inside of them
how i felt
butterflies
goosebumps
and i couldnt keep the corners of my lips from producing a smile.
i remember my first thoughts of you
how swoon your skin on my skin made me.
now when i think of you
i feel things in my stomach
knots on knots
you make me feel like ive caught a plague
that no longer exists, i have it.
you make my skin boil
you make me feel mean
and when i think of you now
i just feel utterly weak
disgusting
you disgust me
your memory has been tarnished
you were disguised as a heaven
but you were my greatest hell
ive escaped you
im leaving
for good
good riddance

i saw her in a dream.
a perfect reflection of every good intention ive had for myself
loving caring beautiful stable with silky long blonde hair
a toned body and tanned skin.
i saw her in a dream
a second reality.
she keeps fresh flowers by her bed side
hangs eucalyptus in her shower
wakes up at decent hours of the morning and
goes to work on time.

the reality is

i get too drunk
i sleep till noon
im broke and
i lost my phone
i have bags under my eyes
i watch to much ****
i wear clothes that dont fit
all my flowers have died
but i do have fresh eucalyptus hanging in my shower.

all that has happened
to live with the things
i cant even dream of changing
im finding peace in the chaos
so i can find the strength in me
to forgive myself