sitting at the crossroads and the light is about to change.
I cant sit here forever. But IF i make this turn, our paths may never cross again

dear mom
In the distance I Know I’ve been down and searching low
Know there’s been times when my pride was the only thing on show
Still I kept trying having only found disaster at my feet
Thinking life was a joyride on the way to easy street
But I knew that without you I’d have crashed and burned
Knew without you no lessons could have been learned
But with a new release on life
I learned so many new things
Learned how to love so I’m going to spread these wings
Gonna amaze you with my wonders, going to reach into the sky
And only you can stop me so please mom you’ve got to let me fly!
Let me lift my spirits up won’t you see how high I can go
Without your support I’m still gliding if you wish harder I’ll glow
These mountains in the distance they don’t mean a thing to me now
I’m gonna dazzle them with my acrobatics somehow.
dear son
When u was an only child i put my wings over you
I said a little prayer so that your love would set u free
I knew you would get older and everyday I would find my might
So those days lost to wonder are just getting me ready for the fight
You see we work together; as loving mother and son you are the key
But you have unlocked my power now I'm sailing our ship to victory
Now nobody can stop us we are a united carousel of hopes and dreams
And who would have thought we’d get this far on a fools ship at sea

You play the part so well,


Others really feel for you
Others could never imagine your pain...

Just look at how awful your life is
Look around you.
You're all alone.
Jealous.
Resentful.
Vengeful
As if something I did could have changed that
Can't you understand we feel pain too?
Its not a cross you alone bear..

But if your not happy, none of us can be
Dont spread that awful disease of yours
I dont want it near me.



You're nothing but a
Backstabber
Who once I called my friend

why do you hang onto a toy you don't want
me, I'm the toy!

you left me alone,but kept playing me.
broken.pieces missing  .battered thrown around
dropped.... kicked..left on the ground ,stepped on
shoved into the ground.
alone in a dark closet,thrown in the trash.
forgotton...you move on
while im alone in the dark.

theres a part of me that hurts everyday when i stop and start thinking about you ..........its my heart,,,,sometimes it feels like a heart attack ,my chest gets tight and it feels like a knife is stuck in it and i cant pull it out.
if i do then i will surely bleed to death.
sometimes i lay in bed trying to go asleep and i have to just take a deep breath to hold back a tear cause i remember something about you that makes me smile.
i dont belive it will ever get easier i dont belive i'll ever get over you
and i dont belive i'll ever fall in love again.
i do belive someday im going to break alot of hearts and look back years from it and wish id broke more ...
i know i wont ever forget my mistakes ..but by remembering them ive learned theres room for me to be a better man.....i want to belive you still think about me and smile i also want to belive you still love me despite all the tears i caused you ,,
,its all i can do anymore is belive these things

i want to belive im on a better path and i want to belive all the doubts i still sometimes have,
is just part of moving on and knowing its for the best for both of us,
i belive i took my biggest step toward happier times ,the day i refused to be hurt anymore
by anyone and careing about myself more then i have in the past.
i belive i have a future now
even if it is uncertain
at least i saved myself before i got lost
now i can find my highway

The embrace made me shudder. My closed eyes and my limp body welcomed the hugging stranger, her arms slowly wrapping around my back. The heat protruding from her body danced across my skin. I didn't try to hide the fact that the stranger had made me melt into myself.

I hung limp like a rag doll inher arms, pondering my unlimited loneliness, basking in the rare moment of love this stranger was giving to me. A gift. I could feel her head rest on mine, nuzzling.

Despite the warmth, I remembered my broken home; my bitter tendencies towards those who passed me by, and the ability I possessed to drive others away. Through my closed eyes, tears slithered down my tingling cheeks. I sobbed; distraught. I heard a 'shush' escape from her lips. I pleaded with myself. I told myself that it was time to start hugging back; to show as much compassion towards others that the stranger had done for me.

I wrapped my arms around her, but felt nothing. No body; nobody. I opened my eyes and the warmth skittered away. I was still standing there, desperate to find something to hug only to realize that my arms were wrapped around myself.

No one was ever there

Life is one day at a time now
i wont choke on your absence
you wont be the only channel on my tv
i will enjoy the extra room in my bed
i will stand out in the rain
i wont pull the curtins when it lightnings
or cover my ears befor the thunder.
life is one day at a time now
i found myself
i need noone
i can live without you
im not dead am i ?

dont play the player
because ive already played this game.
im one step ahead of you watching as you try to fool me again
im the leader this time but im pretending your footsteps ahead
im the player and your the fool but you think our roles are reversed
and im going to fall for the same ol thing over and over again
but in the end you'll be the one that hurts
or feels stupid for beliveing everything just like i did
i'll feel no remorse and i'll be the first and last to laugh at you
while you hide away your shame
you shouldve known me better to open that door again
now lets wait and see whos crying at the end.

theres alot of saddness i feel thats going around.some of us are lucky enough to be able to bear our soul and thoughts in writing it down to let it out .others keep it ******* inside not even wanting to speak of it .lol after hundreds of dollors in therphy the only thing i got out of it was how to journal everyday and to go back and read it and think about what id just said on paper.i found where all the poisoned feelings were comming from--- from there i just had to get the strength to wash it out of my life.theres still stains from all the toxins that built up over the years but at least with the help of a pen and notebook i was able to write things down that i just couldnt say out loud yet,its about how the internet is.... sometimes talking to someone face to face were to afraid of the reaction we might get --but to be able to type it out we dont have that fear of hearing the tone of there voice or expression on there face .i find putting things down on paper or on the computer i sometimes look back over it and i figure out the answers on my own or see where a situation wasnt as bad as it felt .we all have our own outlets for revealing and setting things in us free .its ironic i never thought about the pen and paper thing on my own,my therphiest use to act like she was getting the special edition everytime i handed her my notebook .i'll never forget the last conversation we had befor she had to leave her job.it was all about how someday she just knew i was going to write some amazing book and she wanted me to make sure i didnt forget who she was when i autographed it...i never thought about doing anything like that till the next time i picked up my pen ..now i hope she knew what she was talking about

i been sitting outside staring up at the sky,
i watched a shooting star go by and i closed my eyes and just whispered to myself
"just give me back my life when i didnt have a care "
i rocked back and forth in my chair and spotted the moon hiding
behind some tress and i thought how beautifull -its just like me it should
stop hiding and come out and shine .
then i watched my dog chase one of them icky buzzy brown bugs on the porch,
i smiled .i rocked some more and just leaned back and stared at the stars ,i told myself
thats where i want to be up high and shining.
i heard my horse in the pasture making noise at something and thought about how neglectfull
ive been of it ,so i got up and called it to the fence and had a long talk with it about whats been going
on in my life for the last month,you know how you sometimes do with your dog or cat
cause you know there not going to tell no one or judge you ,why cant we be more like that ?
now its pushing 3am gotta get some sleep so i can watch the sunrise

depression hits people in all catagorys

age,race,religion,and profession.

im really open about mine --why hide it i did for years

then i finely accepted it was part of who and what i am ...and i learned not to be so ashamed of it

i openly announce it whenever it fits the conversation ..its kind of like this is what im living with every day of my life

every waking moment it doesnt disappear for holidays or daylight savings time.

it might go into remission like a cancer --but its always in me --just like its in millions of

others that either dont think they have a problem or are afraid to admit they do..

sometimes by admitting our weakness's we help others conquer theres

but it doesnt make us weak unless we let it

sometimes were the strongest people you know

because were fighting what we know is a never ending battle

and still not giving up.

alot of people belive people with depression can choose to just be happy if they wanted

if that was the case how many of us do you really think would choose

sadness pain angry low self estem and worthlessness

over being happy/?

im sorry for telling  just 1 lie that destroyed everything

i just dont understand how you could stop loveing me and not give me that last chance

i cant live with myself without you

all i asked in the end was to remain friends,

im out of your life now just like you want

i know im not going to make it

i been up all night crying cause i want to live

but i dont without you in my life.

i dont know what to choose

i cant and wont try anymore

i cant see myself happy

but i want you to be

why  did you lead me to belive

you still cared about me ,its the worse hurt in the world

when you find out the truth ..but i can always forgive you

why cant you me ,it was 1 lie ,how many did you tell '

me i knew alot more then what you think i did

but i loved you and still do .id love to sit here

and say come back

but i cant because i cant hang on anymore

the pain is to much,plz dont hurt anymore

like you hurt me,just be honest to them.

i need you

but you just want me back to hurt me again

id come back and let you i love you that much

how many guys would keep trying like i have

after being hurt so many times ,,i can tell you none

so am i crazy or really in love ..

right now i feel like ive lost my mind

ive lost everything eles so why not

it just wasnt suppose to end like this.

it wasnt

was it?

im thinking of someone
it makes my face smile,and my heart starts breaking.
im thinking of someone
that made my life complete
but because of a single lie it
ended and like a dropped mirror
its shattered and cant be put back togather.
theres nothing to do but move on
but the thought lingers and questions
that will never be answered .
but the memories bring a smile
and the tears are endless.

i havent been blogging much ,ive been pretty blank.i got alot of things to say but so many words and subjects swirling around like a twister inside my head,,, just searching and waiting for the right moment .getting ready to go on a trip i think im going to take my notebook and pen and write down everything wonderfull around me.....right now there isnt much im trapped in a circle of negativity and i dont like it .i want to feel positive and be positive but im really sensitive to everything and everyone around me ,,and how they feel and act rubs off on me like charcoal .
ive been losing alot of sleep over alot of peoples problems including my own ..i want to fix everyone and everything but i cant even fix myself

My time is coming.
. My life is coming back.
. Walls and obstacles won't make me stumble..
Thunderstorms can never stop me.
I got dis.

I’m on the edge of reason, precipice of despair
All definitions blurred, nothing left to share
My cliff crumbles before me, bits of life fall below
My horizon dies beneath the sea, nowhere left to go
Glance to yesterday, memories don’t ask why
Only fear wants me to stay, existence waves goodbye
Step a little closer, the breeze whispers in my ears
Let the ocean waves drown away the tears
Lean forwards, believe, believe you will fly
If you have no life, you simply cannot die
Spread your punctured arms out, float into the blue
There’s no one reaching out who wants to try save you
The cold of addiction drains away with the low tide
Nature cleans over, the place the body died
Do you think my cliff cared that I didn’t stay?
Don’t cry for me,… I learnt to fly today

No one hears me, understands me I speak in silence

hoping that someone will see my words, my message hoping to find love,

it has arrived so divine I wish for a stronger, better life filled with ever lasting touch

I dream the future, but hold the past My body is brimmed with so many confusions

Am I really here experiencing fullness?I must be, the pain is so real

the hurt

I feel could never be imagined but I will pull through into greatness and destroy

whatever crashes into me As I struggle I will fight until the end

Whenever it may come....



i will go strong

and without a guilty concious