you may not believe it
but there are people
who go through life with
very little
friction or
distress.
they dress well, eat
well, sleep well.
they are contented with
their family
life.
they have moments of
grief
but all in all
they are undisturbed
and often feel
very good.
and when they die
it is an easy
death, usually in their
sleep.
you may not believe
it
but such people do
exist.
but I am not one of
them.
oh no, I am not one
of them,
I am not even near
to being
one of
them
but they are
there
and I am
here.

And I almost forgot how it felt to be cold,
A touch of light reached my face
and brushed my bones.
The ash is raised off my skin
and I can feel the fever again,
God ****** it burns.

I'm injected with a heat
that serves to the cold.
It lights the way,
Softens the concrete,
Opens the Winter Sun.

Then the rain settles in,
Washing and cleansing
The long roads of their dirt
and grime.
My feet feel clean,
and ready.

Finally.

I am making a desicion
to clean my body of
your hollow whispered bruises
cracks in my diaphragm
your words left sizzling there
like acid that dripped from your lips
I forgot the deception that swam from your eyes
I have never been stupid
enough to believe
that you were only one
when there were three.
But we stood and watched that house burn
never feeling colder,
than we did that night.
Im sorry your brother died and took
your parents with you.
So you are an orphan that
demonstrated car crashes
in the mere rhythm of your hands
or melody of your speech.
But I find myself drawn to angry cobalt blue eyes
too often enough to know that
I cannot grapple out of your choke-hold
and frozen fingers will bruise me every shade of your
roaring ocean-like blue.
I can only admire the sapphire in your soul from a distance
and hope the red ruby rage turns to wine and not blood.
I have left my marks on too many wooden floorboards, pleaded with too many icy aquamarine eyes;
from boys with steel in their voices but a fury in their hearts.
Too many fingernails stuck between infinite spaces somewhere in houses
where the silence reminded me of the stillness of a teal lake in spring
your eyes are reminiscent of a grey morning I do not wish to remember
I will leave a mark here.

My world is shattering
Walls falling in on me
Each bit of care for my life are crumbling one by one
I no longer feel anything, I am a shell of a person

I was supposed to take care of you
I'm the big sister
I failed you
I'm sorry

I was your protecter, your bodyguard
Now you are no longer on this earth, but you will never be forgotten
I guess this means 'God' was in need of your sweet pure soul
I hope you don't miss me as much as I miss you, then you would be in pain

As I think of you, I have no regrets
You are perfect to me
Is this what it feels like? Love? When you care more about someone else's life more than your own? Is this love?
I guess so. I love you.

Your shirt was missing a button
and I couldn't help but notice
but you told me I was pretentious
so I pretended not to see it
but all day long it bothered
me and I couldn't help but stare
at the way the fabric bunched
and nobody seemed to care