Every thought I have is you

Even when I finally managed to stop involuntarily whispering your name,

On cold mornings

I see it on my breath

Like Carrol’s caterpillar

Askin’

Who

Are you?

That’s the problem

I already know who you are

Now I am tryin’ to forget

But I can’t

I made some promises that I need to keep

For instance

I said I would never let them bury you

And we somehow managed to find our way into burning buildings

I told you how I keep my heart in my throat to trap the air in my chest

So that I would stop gasping in your presence

I inhale smoke sometimes

And I cried

When they brought me your blackened breastplate

Heart still beating a fire

Looked like the sun

There’s a universe in you

And now it’s in me too

Gives off this light that is almost blinding

So that when I rub my eyes

The iridescent reflection of them on the back of my lids

Is the same color as yours

Same color as gasoline on pavement

Makes me wanna set this world on fire

Only way to stop seeing you everywhere

Like the ****** Mary

I saw you in my oatmeal

Heard you in a wind chime

Whisperin’ like the wind

Beggin me to consider life like a skipped heartbeat

You ****** me when you left

Forgot me like a puzzle

Soda stained on a coffee table

I got black holes in my universe

And now every thought I have is you

You are in every word I speak

In every sound I hear

Even my breath

spells your name

Just in case you didn’t know

You are perfect

You are a freak of nature

A happy accident

So fragile

Like some old century vase on a pedestal being thrown across a room

You

Have a voice

A voice that when you speak all I wanna do is stay

You put me in awkward situations

Like how sometimes we sit close and I just wanna put my arm around you

No reason

I just get this urge to do it

How I sometimes just want to tell you how lonely hallways feel,

And how empty the ballrooms are

Why don’t they have those anymore?

‘cause I’d dance with you

Hold you in my arms nothing short of forever

You

are perfect

Because you have eyes

Eyes that see better than most of the blind things
And feet that help you move, but never take you far

When we walk away from each other it always feels like slow motion

And there is strange music in the background that makes me feel like the Beast

I stay up nights just waiting for you

You are perfect

Like shallow breathes of air

After almost drowning

Reminds me life is short

Can you hear it?

That music?

Must be getting ready to leave me again

Just know

before you go

You are perfect

Perfect like

Hands

And old people

Perfect like awkward situations

Like those silly sad reminders that life is short

Just

Perfect

Some people,
no matter what you give them,
still want the moon.

The bread,
the salt,
white meat and dark,
still hungry.

The marriage bed
and the cradle,
still empty arms.

You give them land,
their own earth under their feet,
still they take to the roads

And water: dig them the deepest well,
still it’s not deep enough
to drink the moon from.

One day

I am going to look out my bedroom window and say

It’s a nice day outside

One day

I will learn to love the heat and not the cold cushion of my bed

I will love the sand under my feet

And I will not be afraid to get wet

Run face first and dive into the hissing water

And say

**** my phone

I don’t need it anymore

Let it soak

Because if you’re not here with me now

You’re probably ******* your computer with your fingertips

What’s my status?

Alive ******* and not at home

I never will be again

I have seen one too many earthquakes

From behind the white walls of this house

Wondered too many times

what a mountain tastes like

Blood and teeth I bet

What a river feels like

Rushing white and rapid beneath me

What adrenalin feels like when I have to catch myself from falling

Rather than catch my breath from watching

Another bomb explode in some cliffhanger I am not hanging from

Here is your noose

Made of zipties and wires

The day I die

I will greet god

diving into a valley of his own creation

Rather than in a place of mine

The last thing I will ever text

I am not here

And if you are not with me

You are reading this

******* your phone somewhere

You had your chance

I got mine

And I’m taking it