I don't remember to wash off my green beans before I eat them.

I'm not patient
And I think complaining is pathetic,
But I still end up doing it.

I'm not considerate
And I have trouble empathizing
And I'm always desperate for attention
A sure sign of a weakness.

It's not necessary to tell me my faults.
I'm well acquainted with them.
Probably moreso than anyone else.

I read because it distracts me from how empty my life is
And I like when people don't know my music.
It makes me feel superior.

There are thousands more.
Some very silly, like how I never really finish my own beer
And some important, like how I play the martyr way too often.
But just trust me.
I know them plenty.

Let me survive.

i
don't
know
what to do.

i don't know
what you want me to do.

i just want some kind of sign.

You had a black cat and a tiger cub
Equal in size, equal in ferocity.
All silk fur and knife teeth- you said they were just playing
But they bit and scratched only me.
Scars incurred were real.

You experimented, scientifically, with my childhood belongings
In the back of our broken down truck.
You didn't know they were mine.

We played chess, us and another
Someone unimportant enough to forget, I suppose
Since I already have.
There was a scandalous edge to it.
Something dark, dangerous. Exciting.
You made me a promise when you took my queen.
I couldn't quite understand what it was.

Later you played basketball, alone in the dark
You car headlights providing the only stars.
I followed you
Found you playing horse, a sad game alone.

There was electricity in the air
Waiting to shock someone.
Waiting to shock us.
You were about to say something magnificent....

If only I could return.
If only I could hear you say it.
If only I could escape the felines for good.

No sweet sleep, let me linger a little longer!
You are the gas station I need to loiter in
For in you, I'm with him.
Let me stay, let me see his face, let me feel his eyes
False as they may be.
You are my sweet savior; why do you choose to torture me so?
Torture me with dreams of love and desire
Dreams of magnetic attraction and tiger-sharp want.
But what delicious torture it is.

If it is Chinese water torture, the water is the nectar of strawberries
And it drips down to my lips,
Allowing a desperate and fevered taste
But gone so quickly.

Sleep, why did you leave me so?
He was about to fulfill me
About to say he loved me
About to break that tension that was filling my fictional home so  
completely.
About to be a dream I could dream again.

Don't do this to me, sandman.
Let me return to that dream,
If only for long enough to get one
Sweet strawberry drop.
Long enough to hear him say it
To hear him show it:
He cares for me.

Sweat creates a sheath on my forehead
Created from internal struggle, not outward heat.
It seems my insides are causing me the most pain lately.

I can feel the destruction
Practically hear my woman-ness being torn down.
Feel walls and tubes and eggs, all dying.
A tornado laying waste to what makes me me.

Pain that radiates throughout-
It hits my legs after it moves, draining them of power
Feet, too.
Then upwards, to my biceps
And finally my mind.

Pain different than any other
Unique and terrible
A thin to both study and abhor.

Make it go away.

Don't get used to me, please.
That's how it starts.

Remember when we met?
See me as you saw me then.
There must've been something to make you want me.
Remember it, please.
Keep it new.

I'm doing my best to be new
To still be exciting
To still make you interested.
I don't know my success rate.
I think it's low.

I've been through it before.
Once you get used to me,
You start forgetting.
You forget why you wanted me.
You forget any reasons to keep me around.
Reasons to still try.
So, you stop.

So, we stop.

So remember me, please.
Was it my words? my face? my tiger shirt?
Whatever it is, don't forget.
I'll drink more to get back to those words.
I'll put on more makeup to bring back your favors.
I'll wear that shirt all you like.

But please, I'm asking you.
Don't forget me.
Don't get used to me.

Show me something new.
Or not even new, really.
Just show me something wonderful.
I promise I'm still interested.

Show me how your face looks
When you're thinking.
I can't handle that other face anymore.
You know the one.
You've been showing it a lot.

Show me what music looks like to you
And what meaning words have for you.
Show me your sun and your moon.
Show me something I haven't seen in a while.

If you don't want to, give me a chance.
I'll try to show you how music swirls in my head
And how words are made of both stone and water.
I'll show you that some days, you're my sun.
And other days my sun is explosive.
I'll tell you how the moon sings to me some nights
And other nights just lets me talk.

I'm not done talking to you.
I'm not done hearing.

I worry you feel the opposite.