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I want someone to make
love to me before

I am too old to want
someone to make love to me
Dad
Dad
When you left me that night you took part of me with you
I was always your little girl and I loved every minute of it
You are now and will always be my hero but i am so blue
My world has changed and the light in my heart is now very dim
I try to remember only the good times but all I see is you suffering

I wonder where God is and why he allows this painful end for you
I see your struggles and I pray for your last breath
I tell you to go but know in my heart I need you to stay
I hear you say you love me for the very last time
You body is still your breath is gone my world has forever changed
Bodies move
Hands touch
Dance floor full
No one else exist
Only two lovers
Eyes connect
Heart race
Song ends
Still holding on
Never let go
Next song begins
Start the dance all over again
Of course I can see the scars that are his eyes
I was not put in his life to save him from his demons
I am not a miracle worker nor do I want to be

Nobody can change what happened in someone's past
What we can do is listen to help ease a troubled mind
We all have our scars and we all have our demons

If we only had the ability to erase those scars and demons
But that is not for us to do because you see those make us who we are
To erase our past would mean to also erase all the good things

The pain we all go through does make us stronger and wiser
But they also teach us to cherish the good along with the bad
So you see if those scars and demons where not there we would not be

FRIENDS
The moment when I  heard those words
All I could do is sit and stare and try not to react
Too many eyes that might see my fear
Too many ears that might hear my screams
Can not cry have to stay calm oh so hard
Must be strong have to be there for him
I pray hard and think positive thoughts
Hoping that it is going to be enough

Visit him as they pump his body with poison
Barely make it to the car before the tears come
Try to compose myself but I can not seem to stop
But I go back again and again and try to act like all is normal
Sit with him and tell him it is all going to be okay
Who am I God how can I tell him it is going to be okay
I want to be a warrior and invade his body and seek out the enemy
But that is not for me to do for I am not God

So I turn to my faith and pray to God
Please don't take my best friend from me
All I can do is hope that he is listening
I knew him when we were much younger
Would see him in the hallways at school
We were at the same park in our small town
Funny how those beautiful brown eyes never changed

We got older and there where times we were in the same bar
We would dance to the same music but not together
The universe was not ready to let us be friends
Funny how those beautiful brown eyes never changed

We both got married but not to each other
Became parents and spent all our time raising our children
No longer ran into him anywhere
Funny how those beautiful brown eyes never changed

Started back to work after raising my child
Saw him walking down the hall and was thrilled to see him again
Was very surprised at how excited I was but still never talked
Funny how those beautiful brown eyes never changed

Finally started talking and found out how much we have in common
Our love for music and dancing is truly amazing
The universe has finally let us become friends after all these years
And it's funny how those beautiful brown eyes never changed
Go ahead take your shot
Tell me how stupid I am
Belittle me
Tell me I am ugly or fat
Tell me I am worthless
Does that make you feel better
More like a man
Is that how your dad treated your mom
Is that all you know
Well I am not her
I know I am smart
I am beautiful inside and out
No matter what size I am
There is nothing about me that is worthless
So do what it takes to feel more like I man
But remember I am not her
I walk in the house and look for you
You are not sitting at the table in the kitchen
I go to the garage to see if you are out there
You are not out there putzing around

I then tell myself he has to be somewhere
He would not leave without saying good bye
Where are you and why can't I find you
Tears fill my eyes as reality sets in

He is no longer here with me
The first man I ever loved is gone forever
The tears come and will not stop
I tried to feel your presence but I can not

I listen as people say talk to him he hears you
But I wonder how do they know that
Is it just what they say to make it easier for them
I talk but I feel nothing just my heart breaking more

I have sat by that cold stone and tried to feel you
The ground is so hard and it is a very cold place
Are you there or have you moved on to a better place
Maybe you do not have to be my dad any more

I have something to talk about and need advice
Who can I go to now and who will listen and not judge
I need you dad and always will so I will keep talking
And hope somehow you hear me and still love me
I look in his eyes I see love
I see his smile and I want love
His slightest touch and I feel love
His breath on my lips and I inhale love
He kisses me and I taste love
When I lay in his arms I am surrounded by love
When I hear him say my name I know I am loved
Me
Me
Why do I get treated this way
I am very independent you say
I am still a women can't you tell
But being taken for granted feels like hell
Good morning beautiful
Those three words
Brighten my heart
Started my day
I used to think my future was bright
Seems lately I may not have been right

I try to look forward with high hopes
But all I can see are monsterious slopes
I wish he could see himself through my eyes
I wonder when he will realize what an amazing man he is
I see the most compassionate man I know
I see a man who puts everyone in his life before himself
I see a helpful and loyal son and an amazing loving father
I see a man who has been hurt but still believes in love
I see someone that listens to me and will always be my best friend
I see the most beautiful soul when I look into his eyes
I wish he could see himself through my eye
I wonder if he will ever realize what an amazing man he is
The ball has dropped
The year is gone
Stand all alone

No lips to kiss
No body to hold
Stand all alone

I say next year
Without much cheer
Stand all alone

My heart aches
My body begs
Stand all alone

The sadness comes
My thoughts are dark
Stand all alone

The time will come
When I will go
Stand all alone
Could it be possible
Finally came across one
Heard about these for years
Thought they did not exist
I am so lucky
To be in the presence of one
Only dreamed of this moment
Never ever imagined it was real
Looking at one
Just a couple feet from me
In the same room
Can't look away
What if it disappears
Right before my eyes
Need to savior this moment
Remember this always
The night I saw a
Stud On The Couch
Driving over the bridge and old thoughts come back to me
It has been a long time since they entered my head
I figured they were gone and would never surface again

But I was wrong they are always with me
Those thoughts of would I be missed by anyone
How long before someone says have you seen her

Maybe I would be missed if the bills are not paid
If the laundry was not done
If there was no food in the house

Maybe I would be missed if the phone was not answered
The door bell wasn't answered
The mail was not delivered

Maybe I would be missed if the gifts weren't bought
The decorations are not put up
The cards not sent out

Driving over the bridge and looking down at the icy water makes me think
Would anyone miss me?
You ask me
If I want
To have ***
With you again

The answer is NO

If you ask
Me if I
want to make
Love to you

The answer is YES
She was my secret keeper
She was my best friend
She was always at my side
She was my workout buddy
She was a unconditional love
She was there in good times
She was there in bad times
She was part of the family
She was with me for thirteen years
She was trying so hard to not leave me
She was gone in front of my eyes
She was the best pet anyone could have
She was loved
When I feel lonely
I read all his poems
They make my heart smile
They feed my soul
Sad
Sad
I am ready to go
Not sure where
Just need to get out

I have had enough
No talking nothing to say
It is over

Tired of trying
Too many tears
No smiles anymore

Sit in the driveway
Where else can I go
Don't want to go in

Use to love this house
Now it feels like a prison
Bars on every window

Wonder how to be alone
Never have been
From my fathers house to my husbands

The loneliness is overwhelming
Two people here
But I am so lonely

I feel trapped
No where to go
Sad sad life

I am ready to go
Not sure where
Just need to get out
Sex
***
I sit there listening to him say
*** is too much work
For whom I wonder him or me

Then he says he has to think too much
Think about what I wonder
Shouldn't it be simple

When two people feel the way we do
There should be no thinking
There should be no thoughts of work

Now I will wonder when we are together
Is he doing what comes natural
Or is he being overworked
I am so tired of trying
I have no more strength
I have been beaten down
Do not have the energy to get back up

The black cloud has a hold on me
My thoughts are dark and scarey
The smile masks the terror
Must not let anyone see the fear

Sleep is the only relief I have
I close my eyes and tell the voices to quiet
Some listen and leave me at peace
Some just can not leave me alone

They need to have their say
Tell me there is only one way to quiet them
Close my eyes they say and never open them
I am trying not to listen but lately...
The sound of his voice makes my knees go weak
His singing in my ear reaches every fiber of my body
The passion in his voice makes my heart smile and warms my soul
His beatiful voice reaches the heavens and the angels send it right back to me
For those are my lyrics and they are meant for me and me alone
I'm telling
That's all I hear
The constant yelling
Go ahead my dear
Last night you entered my heart
Now you can not leave
I will not allow it
You are part of me
I stood there and thought something is missing
Something that brings me happiness
I know most people would say it's only a chair
But it is so much more than that

I think to myself did I do something wrong
Is this a way of getting back at me for something
I start to feel this sinking feeling in my stomach
Why oh why was it taken from me

Then I see it my chair my chair my beautiful chair
I start to feel relief all though my veins
I know most people would say its just a chair
But to me it so much more than that

I have had some of the most amazing conversations in that chair
I have sang some of the greatest songs in that chair
I have cried in that chair
I have listened in that chair

I have star gazed in that chair
I have learned to love again in that chair
I know most people would say its just a chair
But to me it is so much more than that
Can you see the sadness
The constant obsessing is madness
Do you wonder where the smile is
Or why I am no longer his

Did I ever love him or did I settle instead
Those sad thoughts always in my head
The pressure to find someone oh so strong
Too think all these years maybe I was wrong

I certainly do not regret any of the years
But lately there are too many tears
I think of what the future has in store for me
But know the future is not for me to see

I tell myself take it day by day
The  voices telling me that's the only way
I will keep going through my life
Thinking all along how hard it is to be a wife
As I watch his hand stroke my leg I am mesmerized
Staring and wondering if he knows what he is doing to me
Willing his hand not to stop as I think how right this feels
How just his touch sends me to a place beyond this world
A place where I always wanted to be but could never find until now
Will you love me for ever and always
Or will you grow tired of me too

Will you see me for the first time every time you look at me
Or will you look right through me as if I do not exist

Will you listen to every single word that I say to you
Or will you talk over me because what you have to say is more important

Will you take me in your arms and dry my tears
Or will you just let me drowned in my own sorrow

Will you love me for ever and always
How long before you grow tired of me too
I wonder if I will ever be someone's priority or will I always be someone's after thought

I wonder if I will always be invisible or will someone finally see me

I wonder if when I talk will someone finally listen to what I have to say or will I just be tuned out

I wonder when I am no longer here will I be missed or just a passing thought in someone's memory

I wonder is I will ever be loved for who I am or am I just destined to wonder

— The End —