I grew up a girl of the cliffs
where the houses would hang on for dear life
and those wild ones hang on behind the trees
glaring down from yellow lit windows
as if wondering if it's worth it to succumb to gravity and pounce upon the cars below.

I grew up with my feet in the creeks
loving how sharp rocks felt beneath
we are the kings of those mighty rivers
but every so often
they reach up and bite us
sweeping us
till only the wilds remained
and we have remained!

I grew up a girl under fairy lights
with towers rocketing up above holding my breath in long tunnels choked by sweat
and battling mountains.

We all know how our city speaks
wild and loud, a sort of twinge
voices are a different language to those who
do not already understand.

We are the wild things
crawling, running, laughing,
where really a city never should have been
Still it stands,
old as the nation,
no, older!
Waiting

look through the trees
glaring with golden eyes
with smoke stacks
with steel mills belching fire
bridges like reaching spider legs
holding music and art and Oh! These lives!
We are Kings
and we wait to pounce.

my boyfriend told me i am the definition of passionate.

It isn't really something to brag about.
Passion
it feels like a thumb in my throat
and fire in my belly
like all of my bones are ready to boil out.
It makes it so no moderation will make your drinking okay
or anyone else's
It makes it so some girls can't sleep
till they get just
one
more
idea
down
on the canvas
in paint and glitter
It makes an animal of me
but **** it
He's right.
It's all that I am.

loud
loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud             can you even                                                                              
hear yourself                     loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
over all this
loudness
in your mind
in your dreams?
is it guilt?
do you need space?
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudl­oudloudloudloudloudloud
loudloudloudloudloudloudloudoudloudloudlo­udloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloud

The ax is blunt
but sharp enough to help with the job
on hot and sticky mornings like this
when my  dad has me working around the house
few things so satisfying
as sinking blades into drywall
disassembling the mistakes
the previous owners laid down

Still, the ax is blunt
and makes me swing harder
so the muscles beneath my soft arms
jiggle and pull taught
I always wanted to fix the goof ups of the past
but work?
I didn't know I would have to work
I'm sweating, sticking, coughing
more than what I bargained for

This ax is too blunt
and I retreat inside
to the comfort of the air conditioning
that the last generation installed
I want to make a change, I do
but come on!
the tools are too weak
or maybe I am

There was a girl in
it was one of my first days when I wasn't training
and
well,
so,
Mom had been watchin TV, hunched over the couch
with a cigarette
and Baby had said hey mom
oh, Baby was what,
three?
Well,
Baby said hey mom
and Mom turned all at once and whomph
she didn't know that Baby was so close and the cigarette went
right into
her
eye.

Well, Baby's screaming, and Mom scoops her up.
Mom's first thought is that she doesn't want the apartment to burn down,
so she's stamping and then
she realizes that she hasn't stepped on anything hot.

The cigarette was in her eye.

So Mom wheels off to the hospital nearby,
and they say oh no, we can't actually do anything here
and they tell her to go to Pittsburgh
*** of Children's hospital
so now, Baby and Mom are here
and Mom looks like she's either gonna feint or throw up
(maybe both)
So Doctor A says to me
Could you come hold a baby?
and I'm like,
Well ****, that's about all I'm qualified to do right now.
So I get in there
and Baby,
Oh Baby!
She's screaming and shaking her head,
*** well, she has a cigarette in her eye
and she has her eye held open.
It hurts, but if it closes, she could do some terrible damage to her eye, and it's bad enough.

By the time that we get the cherry out, it was the size of a piece of gravel.

So I let Baby down, and she's still screaming
I want my Mom! I want my Mom!
So I go out to get Mom.
She's crying and
I'm a terrible mother
and
I couldn't be in there
Listen.
You aren't a terrible mom.
I couldn't do that.
But ***, you did the right thing.


That was my first day on the job.

i didn't go this monday
please let me explain
you knew me
but you didn't know me
you were just kind.
you were so kind.
and a lot of people weren't
and now

well

i didn't see you off
but i wanted to
the black dresses choke my heart
and remind me of when we'll all be surrounded by them
in our best clothes

i didn't tuck you in
i couldn't bare the faces
of people who knew you
looking at me
and knowing
that i shouldn't have been there
yet again

but you were kind
so so kind

i do not miss you
not like a friend who has left
but i owe you
i should have done and thanked you
but i didn't
so i'm sorry
i'm so sorry

are you real
if i were to touch you
would my hands slip through you?
if we hugged, would i sink through into another universe
or do you just hide behind the mirror?
i saw you blink once
and lick your lips
are you real
or did i just forget my meds?
are you real
or am i getting worse?

our bodies are quilts
made of the shreds
we pull from everybody else

Moon light
how close it is to who you are
floating gently over me,
smoothing out my mind.
I am afraid of falling asleep,
but I know you are always there
standing guard.
The moon light kisses me all over
the floating strands of your love
cast to me from so far away.

Just last night, I woke up again
and heard all the noises in my house
a childish fear, but, if I had slept,
the leather man
the skinless man
the rapists and the rest
would
would
would

The moonlight was there to hold my hand
and I could almost hear your voice
That I needn't be frightened
That you were there.
God, I can't wait till that's true again.

My palms are spread wide
and flat
I'm here waiting
is someone coming to save us?
Or do I have to be my own messiah?

i have not sold a painting
in seven months
three weeks
and four days
oh sweet jesus christ

There must be something
something
that I can do
they're starting to pile up
I am too young
to submit to a gallery
and not get put into 'A youth show'
no one goes to those.
And craft sales!
No one goes to those
except old ladies
looking for cute tea cozies.
Sweet jesus.
What am I going to do?

bitter regret! oh
deus meus!
ut quid dereliquisti me!
for the feelings are shared
and the others are still present
how could i measure up to that?
naught but a filthy villain!
foul creature!
cast me out into the ash and mark me dying
with runes
the beast
harmony
drawn in black donning
mark me not as one who has repented
but as the witch i am
for this cruelty that causes me
to be the very saccharin ******* i despise!
oh! to be free of the thumb at my temple!
oh! to be free of the thumb at my chest!
alas!
alas!
i am no one

I found a nest of snakes
One black, one gold, one green
(the green one looked a lot like me)
And maybe the gold one looked like you,
I don't know
No
It looked like someone I used to know
I tried to stop it, but
the black snake ate me
and the gold one just watched.

I threw the gold on over the hill,
treacherous little wretch
and the black one, I just picked up
and stared at
Hello,
are you still in there?

i really was
just a quick ****
up till five in the morning
almost every night
your girlfriend neglected
was i more interesting?
or more willing
to put out?
oh lord
i'm torn in two
over my affections.
always
a quick ****
or a shoulder to cry on
a mother
or the ideal wife
you all see me as one
when i am all
and i am suffering

It all works in a cycle
I write
sad,
then fear,
then I'm doing alright,
then more fear,
then rage,
sad

A Whirling Dervish
That's what we are.