That Saturday
when they pulled your teeth,
he came at nine,
the smoker, the drinker,
the one with hard black pebbles
for eyes.

Your aim? To ******, to thrill,
the American ******
with daffodil hair.
Out from the rain and into a bar,
dialogue on birthdays
and becoming old.

A speck of seriousness,
your mood, spiked,
each 'conquest' you called it
so fabulous,
always this way;
you knew it would be.

Hand on waist,
you gasped for air
as if drowning in ginger ale,
one kiss,
light as a feather,
the first.

Positive,
it's only physical,
this lovely magnetism
but his burning voice
you clung to
like a thin cigarette.

Past fuzzy lights,
through a summer shower
that fell faster and faster,
just like that, another one gone,
another name
maybe thinking of you.

It's a Saturday night in the snow
on a roof in Long Island
Smoke, seeping from my mouth
mists like curling fingers
Everything means nothing,
because the only thing I know,
is the potential for poison
in my mind
realization like a sharp cut,
a clean white paper cut
chokes me, and reassures me.
I will never die,
immortalized by my mother's love
The only thing that could **** me
is myself, angry self-destruction.
I am more dangerous than Bed-Stuy at 3am
or an empty subway car
My father knows
but my mother worries
unimportant consequences of boredom fuelled weekends.
I'm no danger to myself when her broken heart haunts my dreams.

Death takes our deposits in installments
whatever you can afford
more that you can afford
$14 for cigarettes
death chuckles, stupid girl
She'll regret that in the morning
Hangovers, hesitant and polite
will lose patience
after fast food lunch
come ripping through and ruin you.
But you bought it,
just like those installments to death.

She was like a force of nature
Manipulative, dangerous and beautiful.
Without even looking at you
she could make you feel insignificant
She made you feel pathetic
But when she looked at you it was worse,
those cold, bitter eyes fixed on yours
and she saw so deeply into your mind
that your security leeched
out of your fingertips
like spilt milk.
Those soft, harsh lips would twitch,
and her eyes would mock you.
She oozed feline contemptuousness.
But you were hooked,
from the word go, you needed her.
She was your ******
And without even knowing it you were hers.
There was something delicious about her
something refreshingly suffocating,
like a rib tightening power-cut shower.  
She lovingly despised you,
couldn’t bear the beautiful sight of you,
and pinched the backs of your arms with violent affection.
When the text came through my world jolted,
something shifted as the realisation
of a different existence slotted into place.
In only a few digitally transported words
of no deliberation,
the person I required most had stopped my heart.

You, who likes candies
Tasting like lemons and oranges
Have the greatest smile
Even with candy-colored teeth.

You, who hasn't changed glasses
In over five years
Have the most beautiful brown eyes
That always makes me smile.

You, who is big, sturdy, and warm
With your broad shoulders and crooked smile
Never fail to make me
Feel safe and loved in your own way.

You, a simple boy who loves playing games
Always focuses your attention somewhere else
On a girl who is clearly not worth your time
Cause all she's worth is a pretty smile.

I, the girl who stays in the dark
Is always with you, who asks for help
On the girl you like to get her heart
When it's clear that she doesn't deserve you.

"I like her," you tell me with such a wide smile.
"More than she'll ever come to know.
I want her to know that I really like her
Before she goes away with another."

Silently.

Silently.

I clench my fists.

And smile.

"Is that so?" I ask, with genuine curiosity.
"You're my best friend, I'd love to help you out
No matter what happens, I'll be here
Cheering from the sidelines, I'm sure you'll hear."

Then you smile a smile so wide
So very bright I may get blind
But the pain in my chest prevails
As you give me a hug and smile.

"Thanks. You're the best. I **** love you!"

I hug back.
And I smile as
I clutch to your back.

don't go, don't go,  don't go

"Sure. I love you too, you ***.
What are friends for?"

In that moment
I swear my heart shattered
You laughed against my neck
And smile.

it hurts.
It really does.

I smile again.

You, who I associate with lemons
Clearly live up to your name
Sweet looking yet once eaten
It is sour

And yet

Desirable.

*you like her a lot? oh, that's cool.
it's okay, I promise.
I like you a lot too.

i wished you stayed
                                                  [you don't]
i wished you said goodbye
                                                  [i saw no reason to]
why did you leave?
                                                  [why did you stay?]
we had it all going, my love
we had it all rolling
                                                  [it was wrong, very wrong
                                                   it wasn't supposed to happen at all]
we grew up together, did we not?
we were cousins
we were siblings
                                                   [we broke together
                                                     i'm barely hanging on
                                                    please break this thread]
please, my dear
come back to me
                                                   [i am not your dear
                                                    i refuse your cage]
our love is what keeps me going
what keeps standing
when everything
falls
                                                    [this sin is what makes me fall
                                                     it makes me crumble
                                                     i can no longer
                                                     stand tall]
my dear, my precious love
my cousin, holier than angels from above
                                                    [why do you call me such things
                                                     you, who has tainted me beyond repair?]
please don't escape from my arms
stay within these brackets of mine
never make me let go
                                                   [let go, let go, let go, let go
                                                    your cage that holds me back
                                                    will be your downfall as well]
my cousin, my precious
please listen to my words
                                                  [i cannot, i refuse
                                                   this is a sin i didn't choose]
dearest, dearest, cousin of mine
                                                  [you are not my cousin, not anymore]
i love you.
                                                  [stay away from me.]

If I am to never have love again,
To be plagued with the inability to love,
Do not let me be alone.
No, if I can not have love,
Let me have the next best thing.
Allow me the courtesy of building up a wall of your kisses,
Separating myself from the harsh reality.
Wrap me in oblivious arms as I close my blind eyes.
Pretend to love me, whisper me sweet nothings,
And I will return the lies.
I will be just as unloving and numb as you, my dear.
And we will pretend to be the happiest two you ever did see.

"What's your favorite color?"
This is my least favorite question.
I don't believe in one favorite color.
A single color repeated over and over gets boring, redundant.
The color of his eyes when he laughs.
Or the color of the moon against the deep blackness around it.
Or a small blue flame.
Those are beautiful colors.
They are colors composed of a million other colors.
But there is no single color that can be defined from them.
No hue or shade or opacity that can recreate such a refraction of light.
No combination of reds or greens or blues can even begin to mimic their beauty.