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I love the crack of the bat
not in a big baseball field
but when my Daddy plays.
Yeah sure,
he's on Pitt's Honors College team,
and they call themselves 'Nerd Softball'
but it makes me happy to watch him play.

It has been a rough couple of years on Dad.
I know it,
*** he keeps coming to talk to me
and he never, ever used to do that
and now he's always chattering away
it feels nice
but I am worried.

Today, they lost 25- 4
not 24
4
but they were playing the Pitt Police
so I'm still proud.
today my mind went completely blank

not that i wasn't paying attention

i noticed everything that was happening with perfect clarity

everything was there

but me.

it was a fever dream

without the fever

feeling nothing
seeing everything
hearing everything

i was the princess of reality.
At the heart of the city,
place where there is already a beat
already a steady pounding of secret music to dance to,
there are places for us to move
to see our heroes standing up with a bold bird flying off one hand
and a microphone in the other
guitars, violins, accordions, horns, and oh yes,
drums
to pound our ears into a joyous submission.

Last night
the sweat on my body can as thick as the beer that was dumped on me
the only place I can stand *****
and the bodies pushed against me,
slowly twirling,
quickly churning,
a maelstrom of people that a weaker girl would have avoided
but I left my umbrella at the door
and dove in.
When that happens, the only thing that is real is the music
it's what is controlling the waves
some mad conductor at the mouth of a symphony
made of shrieking hyenas
the order that occurs in chaos
the smiles on people's faces
the punches thrown
the glasses lost
and found again
my God
This
is where I belong
Dad hands me a hammer and sets me to work
and as my arm starts snapping
everything slips away
the relaxation of destruction
and the creation of muscle
the strengthening of bones
nothing better to do
but pulverize those little things
and spread them on the compost pile.

Arms flail like vines
but snap taught,
fast,
perfect cycles
to make and destroy
like time itself.
Gives me power in days of fear
to just swing a hammer.
just lay in bed a while
and breathe
take in the literature beside you
take in the blackness outside
and the pitter patter of the constant rain

count in fours
one
two
three-
you get the picture
keep that up

i beg for the vent to come on again
to fill my ears with white noise
to cancel out the movies in my eyes
daring me not to close them
Last night I saw a man hanging from a traffic light
just for a second

Framed in the yellow light of dusk,
it looked like a movie cover.
He was flopped over like a dead fish
his feet were just a little too large
and I tugged at my beau's sleeve to ask if he was there when
the world turned
and just like that,
he was gone.

If impermanence is a virtue,
life must be something worth having
and a legacy that can be dashed away
should be no scary thing and while
I am not really willing
to try and follow
that advice
it is a small thing I think on
when the hangmen grin and whisk away
on their strings
baby mobiles
turning towards oblivion
please
i need to not look at you right now
was it only last night that we were entwined as you tucked me in?
and even now, our hands are laced to the point of oneness and yet
with every turn of these wheels
you get closer
to being farther away
so please
do not look at me.

when you leave my side,
please make me hate you.
i do not want to remember how happy you make me
i do not want to remember the laughter of today
i do not want to feel every kiss you have so sweetly delivered
i do not want to plan out the family promised for years ahead
i cannot take your warmth
or another smile
a smile that is a lily blooming
i cannot take it

so please
i need to not look at you right now.

but every time,
like there's some planetary pull
the promise of love and fresh glances pulls me back to you
and when i look, for a split second,
we are both happy
blue and brown floating together
perfect and warm
and then
it shatters
and then
we remember
it will not be again in summer,
nor likely in the dance of fall
that we shall meet again.

please
do not look at me
do not make me look at you
i do not want you to see my tears
i do not want to wound you with them
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