Lost.
Body idle.
Searching for the ****.
Transcend.

i feel like i'm drowning
but the air is so dry here.
it must be my skin,
my failing lungs,
the way i slip out of life
when lights are too bright,
my brain can't take the pressure
i feel faint
and my body
my insides are cold.
nothing is real anymore.

You know... I really wish I could say that everything will be all right,
But I just can't know that. The only thing that has changed with me
is the fact that I'm too afraid to do anything wrong. I can't just lay in bed
and be ill and hope that people will understand, because I know they won't.
I have experienced the wrath of a person who just doesn't understand, and
I am afraid. Afraid to talk, afraid to express anything but the approved material,
afraid to be anything other than what they think is alright. Every god ****** day
is a struggle to get up and walk around and smile and try to be normal and happy
like they say I should be. I am not normal, I am sick, I am not okay, I am not fit to
survive like this anymore. And the thing is, that probably won't ever change.
The thought that I'll never find any kind of good in this life, with this sickness, this ugly
mental and physical sickness... Makes me pretty **** doubtful that everything will be okay.

I'm stuck somewhere in between
being numb, blank,
completely devoid of emotion,
And so completely full
of so many incredibly intense feelings
My brain is so confused that
all I feel most days is anger and boredom,
and neither of those things can be sated.
I'm stuck.
I'm lost.
I'm dangerous.

Do people really get kissed
like characters do in movies and books?
Pushed up against a wall
Hot breath and lust clenched fingers, or
In an airport in front of security
Teary eyes and tight hugs
Soft and slow and
Full of want and love.
Do they happen?
Or have I just been in
the wrong place my entire life?
And if these kisses do exist,
Why haven't I experienced
anything remotely close to that
Sweet perfection?
Why have all of my kisses been
so hasty and ugly and well,
completely ******?
And who are these guys,
That I have let kiss me,
Who do they think they are?
That they can kiss me like that,
And not even care?
All I get are senseless, strung out lips
looking for another score.
What I want,
Need actually,
Are kisses that make me forget
what i'm thinking
what day it is
what's going on around me,
Kisses that remind me of campfires
and old movies, and rainy summers
filled with lightning bugs and
long walks in sunflower fields.
I want to kiss someone and
feel like I'm back in my microscopic town
catching lady bugs, lying in tall grass
watching the setting sun and feeling a
warm breeze wash over my skin and
seeing it dance with the trees and birds.
I want someone to kiss me, and
make me feel free and whimsical,
Like walking among the sunflowers,
not knowing where they end,
not caring if they don't
because it's beautiful.
I want to be kissed
like the world is ending
like I am the most important thing
and if they don't kiss me
then nothing will ever matter again.
If it's out there,
and god do I hope it is,
I will look for it.
I will find it.
I will.

I just want to fall asleep,
to be able to do that,
without the help of drugs
or extreme exhaustion.
To get rid of the deep set bruises
beneath my eyes,
and the things that i keep seeing.
So many images, and figures drifting in and out
of my consciousness.
Why can't i just fall asleep,
and not feel all of this pain
and just not feel at all?
Why can't i just make it stop?
Just please make it stop.

I think the saddest thing about getting older,
is all the things that you'll realize you never knew
about me, and how easily i hid them from you.
And you're only just seeing everything fall into place,
every excuse and subject change, and flat out lie,
because i separated myself from your life.
I finally have the freedom to leave, and
i'm disentangling our lives piece by piece.
I am who i am, especially without you,
completely mental and ****** up,
but at least now i can just be
and not worry about what you think
or wonder if you believed me when i told you
i wasn't okay.

Grey is the April sky in your sad drooping eyes,
and the smell before it rains,
drifting off your skin.

You try so hard to be what people want,
putting on a show.
Have to be funny,
Have to be cute,
Have to look good in all ways,
always.

When you met me,
you were so surprised
at how 'different' i was,
and i guess i am.

You didn't know what to do with me,
you didn't know who to be,
because all i asked of you was kindness.

Darling, you shouldn't underestimate yourself.
Just be kind and honest and find the person
you want to be, and i'll love you anyway
you go.

If you don't want to lose me again,
stop pretending for someone else
because i'm here and all i'm giving
is kindness.

Whispers dancing
in between
thoughts and feelings
pushing and weaving
thin threads
through out my mind.
Images peaking
into the corners
of my eyes
my memory
making me
question if
anything is
real anymore.
When will there
be a middle ground
from sociopathic
to emotionally
overloaded?
When will
overwhelming
anxiety stop
and human
interaction start?
Will i ever be
fully honest
with anyone
without the
fear of rejection
for a chemical
imperfection?
Or will living
be an elaborate
lie to keep
anyone and everyone
away from
the truth
of insanity?

When I saw you in the hospital,
it was like my lungs were rejecting the oxygen in the room.
You were so still, and pale, and I kept waiting for you to wake up.
Everything had happened so  fast,
and I didn't have time to react.
I saw my mother's hands around yours,
and then everyone was hugging me.
I couldn't think, I couldn't express anything.
I sat down, and a blanket of shock covered me.
I couldn't look away, you were so pale, so unnatural.
My mind was shut down, and all i could do was feel.
Everything told me that this wasn't real, that this wouldn't happen.
But there you were.
Even now I forget that you're gone,
I mean I put a rose on your casket,
I should realize that you won't come back.
I just never thought this would happen.

The only thing i see
in your seaside eyes
is love.
i don't see the mistakes you've made
or the rumors and lies
that everyone seems to see.
I don't see a delinquent in you,
that's not who you are.
I see beachy hair,
curling around your face,
just right.
I see a tall lankiness,
as you tower over me.
Those eyes, and
that smile.
I see how kind you are,
and how much you really
care. i know you aren't who
they think.
You are who you are with me.
I see you, and i wish you
could see me too.

I could fall asleep,
and never wake up.
That thought, that fact, terrifies me.
But it fascinates me more.

It's Autumn and I'm waiting for love again,
Like the cold changes the leaves, i want someone
to change me too.
I want to turn red with blush and fall
into his arms.
I'd be a fallen leaf and
he'd be the gentle, crisp wind.
He could carry me to happiness.