I want you to,

Strum my feelings into a melody
Paint my gaze with beauty
Carry me , fulfil me
Be the sum of all my envy
Be all the things I will not
And can never be
Fill this pit of self pity
Live this life for me
Give me all you have
Devote to me eternally

I desire all that you are
All you have ever been
I will consume you empty
Until you fade away into me

Such is our greed

Found in the clutter
Hidden And dusty
Forgotten but familiar
Words on paper
An old picture
A subtle reminder
Happiness and laughter
Sadness maybe anger
A Lost pillar
Replacing and filling
A void gone unknown
A crumb leading to a whole

Who am I
I can't help but feel that I am leaving pieces behind. Moments and thoughts that are forever lost to me, yet weight heavy, they are the things that can never change. These moments are however the source of my changes the pressure that mould's my being. Here at the precipice of tomorrow I hold on to these moments before I let them go, forever I am here with nothing keep but the scars of my life.
That is who I am

Like an autumn tree
We wither our leaves falling without remorse
Still we stand
Ready to endure the sharp cold and somber nights 
To withstand and survive in hope the spring will once again renew

Listen for our last song whilst the cold fall wind brushes by one final breath
Let us be at our brightest even in the face of our demise
Let us hold on until we make our final journey 
Let us fall to our final resting place with grace and humility

Lost and buried
Frozen discarded 
Decomposed but not forgotten
For while we live we flourished

Endless days of spinning nights
Walking among the lost souls of our lives
On this beaten surface nothing feels right
Just want to pack my dreams and take flight

Ascend into the storms and rain
Climb away from fear and pain
Pierce thru the shadows into the light
The barrier between the good and the bad
The abyss that separates the happy and the sad

Floating on a floor of rolling clouds
Where the sun always shines
The nights are always lit by the stars
Endless peace hiding all the scars

Some days I just want to leave this ball
Climb high above it all
Miles up our problems are so small
No divisions forget the walls
But what goes up must someday fall

Can no longer evade gravity
Suddenly brought back to reality
Falling thru to our truth
Dim days and darker nights
Living in the shadow of the heavens

Killing like the animal I am
Without flinching I take aim
No need to support the weight of my finger
As I turn around and walk away
With a grin I wonder
If he heard a noise before the light went out

I can look into your eyes
See all that you hide
All you have left to do
Is hope I have mercy for you
A lost cause

A notch on a handle  
Is what you have become
A distant memory of what I have done
No matter how it begun
You will stare at the wrong end of my gun

A man once asked me if I felt pain
As my heart pumped ice thru my veins
I looked him strait in the eyes
And told him about the warm feeling inside
When people like him die

Tonight I cannot sleep
For reasons hidden in the deep
Questioning my existence, my essence
Wondering why I’m so merciless

Ever since I plunged my life into the dark
I have live without my heart
So many things I have seen fall apart
In my demise I put my feelings away

Something is different now
I can’t seem to take you down
In your eyes I see myself
In your fear I feel at home
In your pain you’re not alone

I can’t bear do this again
See another life come to its end
I drop the gun and let you run

Like a shiny ticket to hell
My gun sat on the floor
I wondered if I was ready to walk thru that door
Was Satan’s puppet ready to go home?

Now with closer I know they all went out in silence

You’ve pulled yourself away
The distance between us
Filling with emptiness everyday
Into the shadows you fade
Stretched to my breaking point
I can’t follow you down
I must let you go, my light is running out
I wish you would’ve just turned around
You meant so much to me

To the darkness I have lost you
Into emptiness I must let you go
You hear no good and see no light
You barely put up a fight

I stuck it out for as long as I could
Down this path, you knew I would
I can’t believe the day has arrived
I never thought I’d leave your side
But in many ways you have left mine

Slowly I saw you fade
I don’t know why you turned this way
I saw your light turn to gray
In complete uncertainty, what should I say?
I wish I wouldn’t of let you sink so low
It’s to late now your one with your shadow

So lonely as I walk back into the light
So comforting when the day turns to night
  The shade is so soothing even in the cold
I see this path starting to unfold
I need you; I’m unable to fight this alone
I turn and run into the emptiness, the dark you call home

With a step and a tear
I confront uncertainty and fear
A second that felt like many years
I here the whisper of goodbyes in my ears

Long has this moment been coming
But only now do I start questioning
Seeing all the little things and wondering
How can this be right?
When everything is ending
When all thru the night
I’m kept awake by the feeling

Like a king that lost everything
Like a mother that lost a child
I scream in vain to the sky
With nothing but solitude on my side

Suddenly left alone without an ally
I want to break down and cry
But instead I stand here and lie
Holding it inside, can’t say goodbye

Pretending that I am okay
Fooling everyone but myself
This truly is the longest day
Constantly at the brink of tears
Can’t say I didn’t know I’d feel this way
So I keep running, till it all disappears

Eventually I’ll have to stop running
Eventually I’ll have to stop escaping
Eventually I’ll have to give it time to fall on me
Eventually the ground I stand on will fade to shadow
Eventually the sky will fall to ashes
The sea of past fire will drown in tears

The sun is getting low
The shadows are starting to grow
These times are passing so slow
The ground cold and white with snow
This cold is so lonely, where did it all go
The sunny days when she would glow
Those moonlit nights seem like a distant echo

I miss the days the ocean would kiss the sand
Frozen, it seems the love has been put on hold
In its place a desert with nothing to share but the cold
Lost and shivering I need to find something warm
Wrap me in your blanket, bring back that feeling
Make these moments, times worth saving
Because I need you to start the healing

I need a lover, a friend
Someone to put this misery to end
A reason to believe in tomorrow
A way to fill this hollow
A direction to follow
Because today I walk these streets alone
A single row of footsteps in the snow

You must be hiding somewhere out of sight
Just like in the dead of the cold night
Somewhere I know the sun is shining bright
Out there I know you’re the one to make things right

Caught in the concrete of time
I’m waiting for an angel’s light to shine
Sitting here frozen like the ocean
Reminiscing of the warm sand
Remembering when an angel held my hand
Those days are gone, fallen like the leaves

I need a lover, a friend
Someone to put this misery to end
A reason to believe in tomorrow
A way to fill this hollow
A direction to follow
Because today I walk these streets alone
A single row of footsteps in the snow

As the grass starts to show
When rivers rediscover their flow
A new hope found, watching it all grow
Waiting for you to bring a new glow
Appearing from the melting snow

One day the sun will climb
Stay in the sky for a long time
On that day will you walk with me hand in hand
Create a past with footsteps in the sand
Till then I walk these streets alone
A single row of footsteps in the snow

My head is hurting
From all the wondering
How can I go on
After everything is gone
One by one the links break
The picture disappears
So do the fears
Overwhelmed I’m numb

Thru life I will wonder
Down the path of failure
A foot before the other
Going on with no care
A destination with no one there
But a voice says it isn’t fair

Suppressing, can’t face the healing
Running, cause it’s not worth staying
Careless, nothing is worth saving
Living cause its not my time for dying

Feeling so empty
Yet it’s so heavy
But deep inside I hear the voice
The voice that doesn’t give up
The eyes that don’t recognize the man in the mirror
The heart trying to beat thru the clutter

A part wants to get better
But I see no reason to try harder
Unmotivated, why should I go further
Nothing left from the past
The future seems even dimmer

Thru life I will wonder
Down the path of failure
A foot before the other
Going on with no care
A destination with no one there
But a voice says it isn’t fair

As it cries out its last whisper
Just before it drowns within
Something happens there’s a glimmer
Just a spark to light the dark
But it catches, it explodes
In an instance I’m lost in the flames

I wake to the sound of a voice
The words are my own
The whisper is now laughter
The lost has been found
The veil has been burnt to the ground
Saved by that sound

It’s coming near
It’s the end and it’s never been so clear
My time wasted and lost in the years
Could wash it all away in tears
But the truth forever lies in this fear

The past as long since taken future
The path is narrowing not much left to capture
Running out of colors to add to this picture
Desperately trying to complete this adventure
The questions of what could have been are my torture
Got to make things right before my mind fractures

Living every day like my last
But the pace is just to fast
Opportunities are crumbling into the past
The hole inside is just too vast

In the face of the unavoidable
As I stand ready to lose it all
This world becomes so alien
A new perspective on the familiar
As though a life of dilution as found purity
No longer lost in the pursuit, the blur is lifted
With no where left to go the destination becomes real
A moment of life’s true form
Not felt since the first opening of the eyes
A moment of pondering
Wondering if it was just a cycle
The clock ticking down to a renewal

Surrounded by all I’ve known
I know my next step will be alone
In these last moments I have grown
No longer scared, the light is shown

As the door behind closes
The door beyond opens
But there is a split second
A moment of emptiness
A judgment of self by self
A lifetime condensed in an instant
A spec of time that will change eternity

Beyond the doors of the unknown
The choice remains yours
Carry the past beyond the sacred stone
Or leave it behind to let your soul soar

With the beginning of the end
Comes a feeling of belonging
As if this end was but a turn
An end that brought a beginning
The start of what was always meant to be
Making this the end of the beginning

It’s become too much
The glass is full

What do you do?
When your heart isn’t were it belongs
When your feelings are no longer as strong
When you know your lies won’t last long
When you think your ok but couldn’t more wrong

With every drop I’m over flowing
Under its weight I’m drowning

What do you do?
When you feel you can’t go on
When the past is far from being gone
When you must let go to the brightest of dawns
When your painting isn’t what you’ve drawn

Can’t keep pretending, can’t go on
When all your is right is my wrong

I don’t want to let this all go
It’s the path I want to follow
But my denial is cutting me from bellow
I can’t hide from the secrets lurking in my shadow
As if the pain wasn’t enough to swallow
The truth will bring her to sorrow
All of this with no guaranty of a brighter tomorrow

Wrapped in confusion
Why can’t I resist change?
My head is spinning, it’s so insane

My heart craves the impossible
Makes my attempted happiness crumble
Until its needs fulfilled I’ll be unstable
Forever it’ll make me peruse the unattainable

What goes up must come down
Nothing stays buried forever
Everything changes but stays the same
It’s just the circle of life
You can fight but your only fighting yourself

So I’m walking on a fence knowing
Whatever side I fall on I will be hurt
May as well face the pain now
Before I get pushed to the ground

I feel it beating in me
Silencing my heart it’s emerging from the deep
Making its way from the core to my extremities
It’s trying to take control of my body
Suppressing it is my daily struggle

Where did this come from?
What planted the seed?
I didn’t do anything to create it
No reason for this uprising
Yet it shows no signs of subduing

Its voice most would call evil
It’s the so called devil within
Thought that it is cynical
Its ways have been deemed criminal
Its philosophy unethical
But that image must crumble

Where holding on too tight
When the grip is too tense
The content will explode
Where fighting it to hard
When cornered its stronger
We’ve gone too far too fast
Putting on an ever lasting charade
With no foundation everything fall’s apart

These chains intertwined
Trying to conserve self preservation
Struggling to improve the perfect
We have brought on our own demise

The night to this day is coming
The full moon is rising
The fight is intensifying
Exhausted I’m losing
Under the pressure reason is smashed
Chains are broken the human is out
Free to feel, to love, to hate, to rage
This freedom labeled insanity

Will you help me, I’m searching for stability
Can’t keep riding this rollercoaster for the rest of eternity
Been thrown onto this ride with a head full of uncertainty
Through the sharp turn, the ups, and the downs I must find an identity
All my struggles and success’s gathered knowledge but came up empty
I’m on rails no matter how hard I fight the road controls me
Pull me off the rails make this ride end abruptly
I’ll gladly lie on the side lines and watch my former insanity
Round and round covering the same thing for infinity

“Hello what’s your name, thank you for saving me
Why did you do it, help me and risk all that is free
You could’ve joined me unintentionally
So grateful for your selfless act of bravery
I must ask why, not out of fear of dishonesty
Your intentions where honorable surely
I must know to satisfy my curiosity”

Stupefied she answered that I was the hero to be
She told me that one day I would open my eyes and see
My eyes feel open she doesn’t know what I’ve seen obviously
She’s to happy and stable she’d never comprehend my story
She smiled and said “I cannot imagine such treachery
But one day you will see that place as heavenly”
Almost enraged but I was to intrigued to be angry
She doesn’t know how I once hurt so deeply

Her presence was enough to fill the emptiness in me
Her compassion made me shine ever so brightly
I loved her far past my gratitude, yet I felt I was hers to carry
She still maintained I was the hero that I was just not ready
I feared she was just trying to stop me from feeling guilty
Though having her to care so much made me lucky
I didn’t want her to keep acting so modestly
I tell her she need not hide the true reality
I know she was the reason I was now acting so strongly
Once again uninfluenced she said to me in a tone so genuinely
“My love, stick to your opinion but we all have our theory”

I now live a life so wonderfully steady
Nothing to tell me otherwise, I’m always happy
I never get knocked down, not even rarely
She took the clouds from the sky now it’s always sunny
But there is an emptiness hiding underneath the glory
On top of the world I feel like I’m unworthy
Without the downs the highs feel so empty
I finally see how I was living life so blindly
I must return to my ride that was my insanity
I can’t bring her she’s such a joyful lady
I show her my first tears and tell her I’m leaving with my heart heavy
She smiles at my teary eyes she had foreseen this destiny
“Now you know how it feels, to be without adversity
Will you be my hero and ride the rollercoaster with me”

Excitement had built inside
The day I flew so high
But now I’m left asking: why?

I flew to the heavens all I saw was clear blue sky
Mommy why did you lie
Why won’t you tell me where we go when we die?
I promise I’ll be strong, I won’t cry

Do you even know?
In death where do we go?
Do we fade to memory, just an echo?
Tell me we don’t just rot in the ground below
Do I come back, another chance to grow?
Oh where is the proof, where are the signs to follow
Oh please tell me, show me where to go

I flew to the heavens all I saw was clear blue sky
Mommy why did you lie
Why won’t you tell me where we go when we die?
I promise I’ll be strong, I won’t cry

I don’t want to waste my only chance
So tell me if this is it, is this all I get
Will I live on after my mistakes, and regret?
Have I lived before, did I somehow forget?

So many questions, the clock is ticking
Will I live a life wasted, wondering
Will my death result in knowing
Or will it be a definitive ending

Is the truth simpler then the question
Are we fools blinded by anticipation?
Is the pool of life’s secrets shallow?
Is it just too hard to swallow?

I flew to the heavens all I saw was clear blue sky
Mommy why did you lie
Why won’t you tell me where we go when we die?
I promise I’ll be strong, I won’t cry

Oh please someone enlighten me
Show me the light, guide me
Will I live for an eternity?
Or is this life everything
Can’t go on wondering
Can’t let this all end without knowing
Please clear the haze
Does my soul live for evermore
Or should I start to count the days
Just how fast must I explore

Hiding behind
A Forever changing face
Hidden within
A shifting heart
Change tearing a head apart

There’s a man under this cloak
Thru the layer unable to see
Lost doesn’t know how to be
Can’t fight his way thru destiny

And
This world starts slipping
Down time it’s tumbling
From the core this cloak is burning
This interior starts showing
Thru this void the fears sink in

A mind so busy inside
This man with no Identity
Slowly falling out of sanity
All his costumes empty

One soul searching for direction
Has let a life pass by
Stuck in the sands of confusion
This time there is no lie
No shelter in which to hide

And
This world starts slipping
Down time it’s tumbling
From the core his cloak is burning
This interior starts showing
Thru this void the fears sink in

Vision filling into a blur
Coming from the truth
Tears flow thru the paint
Canvas bare, shows its scars
This armor was false
Just a show for the strong

Defenseless wondering the emptiness
With no shell it all floods in
Swept away, into this unknown

This world starts slipping
Down time it’s tumbling
From the core his cloak is burning
This interior starts showing
Thru this void the fears sink in

It’s been said a million times
Been thrown into a hundred rhymes
Still no one accepts the trend
No one wants to believe
That every good thing comes to an end
Walking away I tried to pretend
Make myself believe that this was a not conclusion
Miles away trying to think of the distance as illusion
But every inch I stray my heart feels de division

Leaving I’m going a thousand miles away
With every mile comes a new reason to stay
Wondering if it was worth parting with yesterday
I only wish there was another way
Because I’m a thousand reasons from you today

The nights spent dreaming
The days spent wondering
What could have been?
Some choices you just can’t win
Left the questions itching beneath the skin
And the memories spinning from within

Even in this new world so small
When miles can disappear in a phone call
With all the connections I still feel a wall
On the other side who will catch you if you fall
I wish my arms could reach around to you
Cause I’m hurting and I know you are to

Leaving I’m going a thousand miles away
With every mile comes a new reason to stay
Wondering if it was worth parting with yesterday
I only wish there was another way
Because I’m a thousand reasons from you today

So far away can’t help but ponder
If I’m not around will you remember?
As time goes by it seems I drift further
Emptiness has taken the place of all the little wonders
Insecurities are creeping in closer
Your words have lost there weight
It doesn’t seem hard to believe that you couldn’t wait
Trust falls into thoughts of betrayal
Already excepting what I knew to fail

Pleading for trust to return
A faith over distance will burn
With separation betrayal is all I learn
Left behind your left to yearn
Far away you don’t want to lose
The past isn’t a path to chose
Miles have stolen your man
All because of a choice you don’t understand
Loneliness isn’t helping you stand
Stretched to our limit, have we seen our last grain of sand?

Living, I’m parting with the past
Every minute comes a new reason to make it last
But there’s no way to turn back
I only wish I could live with that fact
Because we’re a thousand reasons apart today

Lock all the doors
Throw yourself on the floor
The devils coming, coming for more
Seeking the screams he adores

There was a time when all was good
He cherished you and forever would
Vow that carried with them unseen rage
Love faded and the doors opened to its cage

Pounding, the door is shaking
Trembling, there no escaping
Screaming, why is no one coming?
In this alone, no one helping

In his eyes fires burning
In his mind nothing but anger
You’re grateful he’s not a father
Save innocent souls from the terror

So blinded by unconditional love
So mislead by misplaced hope
So hurt by the painful reality
Yet can’t hate what you love so deeply

Why did no one warn you?
Someone could’ve offered a hint
God could’ve given you a clue
That his love was faded with an evil tint

So easy can the heart betray
When you let reasoning decay
Opening your heart and soul yesterday
Closing your eyes and door today

Nothing will stop this pain
Until you break free from this chain
Cut your heart and his soul, and wait for the rain
To wash the guilt away, the tyrant has been slain

Fearing the same faith as before
You will never find the cure
Forever insecure, always unsure
Never will you relive a love so pure

The world looks different thru these eyes
In my mind all is darker, brighter
Shadows emptier, colors fuller
Nothing is ordinary in this bright night
Living in the sun’s shadow I don’t understand
How can simplicity be so confusing?

Surrounded by everyone
With no one beside me
Alone in the middle of nowhere
With everyone around me
Loneliness in my friendships
A friendship with loneliness
Deafening noise in silence
Finding tranquility in a riot

These aren’t my eyes, this isn’t my life
What is this darkness surfacing?
What is this light so blinding?
No control in a war, of shadows and stars
Two sides dwell within
Walking the same path to a different end

A paradox in every thought
With every step a different direction
With every breath a different opinion
A broken image in an unbroken mirror
An insanity driving me insane

Standing alone in the dark of night
A soul at rest no confusion no fight
Only flesh and bone no shadow no light
A comfortable emptiness that feels so right

No matter how many stars the shadows remain
Only in the death of one will the other perish
A fact I now understand, my fate is in my hands
Today I stand alone, about to walk down my own road

Trying to be greater then life
Leaving all I had behind me
Leaving friends in the dust to make new ones
But eventually ill go unnoticed

Living behind a glass wall
Can see all I want but can get there
Fall back in pain, trying to crash through
On my feet again with no lesson learned

Trying to forget problems I had
Creating more problems as a result
More to forget, more to deal with
One problem became a life of problems

Digging a hole of denial
Were lies are my shovel
And only the truth can be my latter
Deeper, I’m going to where I belong

Living behind a glass wall
Can see all I want but can get there
Fall back in pain, trying to crash through
On my feet again with no lesson learned

Suicide, drugs, alcohol not the answer
The answer is just beyond my fingers
  In my eyes I see it all have it but me
For it is love of another one

Every one has someone but me
Is it because I try to hard
No it can’t be I gave up too much
Maybe that’s the problem

Have I given up all for nothing?
All that was for the nothing that is
Looked down to many
As they were looking down to me

Living behind a glass wall
Can see all I want but can’t get there
Fall back in pain, trying to crash through
On my feet again with a lesson learned
……
This time I venture a look behind me and I see all that I ever needed