If I could understand it myself maybe I'd sahre it.


I. Like. The. Way. It. Hurts.

       But I don't know why or how to be someone else. I also pray for another life and for the sweet
caress of death.

                              Clearly I've had more than my fair share of unanswered prayers
I love the men I can't have
                         Because
                                                         ­   I. Like. The. Way. It. Hurts.

For that same reason I spent my formative years getting serious with a knife.
                  I prayed we'd get too serious and go too far, but here I am an exhibit in pathetic
  another unasnwered prayer poster child

I made a promise to live because
                                   I. Like. The. Way. It. Hurts.

I don't know much. I sure as **** don't know where it started or why but at least
        I
                know
                         what
                                    I
                      ­                  Like

Last night I fell into someone else's fight and was an outsider looking in.
          Begging for affection
                               begging for it to stop
                  but knowing my place and shutting the hell up.

   It felt too **** much like home
                      the one I fought to be free from
             Where tensions rise and the issues are untapped
                                                        ­                           We gloss across mimicking how we wish we felt.
With no one succeeding.
  It felt too much like home when the Psychology was off.
                and two poeple were together even though they're all wrong

and I was in the way

I was forgotten but obnoxiously present.
I fell asleep to other's whispers conversations, comforts.

and I cried myself to sleep - huddled in a ball of issues
         Alone, wishing I'd been enough
                               Pleading to not be alive
                                              and I was an outsider looking in
like always
like home.

I'm never the girl they want me to be
                        Too forward thinking
                        Too liberal
                        Too boyish
                        Too honest
                        Too sassy
                        Too mysterious
                        Too used
                        Too adventurous
                        Too much
Part 2
                        Not Pretty enough
                        Not thin enough
                        Not traditional enough
                        Never enough

If I'm too much of A and not enough of B then together the solution is:

a.) change or
b.) *******

or some blend of both.
             despite being the most undesirable combination of excessive A and deficit B i get labeled a heartbreaker, a *****, a ****

it's a double edged sward, and both ends are out for blood.

I don't need a home
              I don't need a husband
I don't want kids.
          I don't need a six figure salary or fame
                     I don't need a pet
                                     or a place on the lake
I have but one request, one love, one desire; to see the world

So, please, keep your ring, your family, your home, your money, your pets, your vacay places, and dear God,

BRING ME THAT HORIZON.

"I am a man on fire" he stated
                                               undeniably ablaze with passion.
       This would be a man I would love, I thought,
                             One I could have even a year ago when I was a woman lit with fire, but presently
the more accurate statement is,
            I am afraid and fighting for life

I keep trying to crack the code of how I got here again - lost in another addictions and multitasking distractions
     when the question truly is how did I believe I woudln't end up here?
When the truth is I will again until I sort my demons
                                                         I've been workin on it for years,
                                             and to my credit I suppose it's better and fewer haunt me
but
I'm here again
       wanting to want life but altering my reality via drugs

I was a victim
I am a victim
of abuse, and a heart that feels too much
                                          respectively,

So the idea of love is daunting because I have a black and blue history of finding people
who will hurt me
           because that was my home,
   that's what I lived
and at night, when no one can see
                            I believe it's what I deserve
    but I've learned that's wrong
The cycle, the habit, the belief as destructive as it is
is easier said than broken, but I'm trying

I would like to be like that man on fire.

For now I'll simply settle for a woman okay with being alive.
            Baby steps my lovely,
                             baby steps.

My favorite family photo of me is as a baby
   Eyes twinkling with wonder
           Heart open with glee, no idea of what life awaits me
    Of the hell I’d meet
No idea that tears of heartbreak would pierce my hope
   That scars would be self inflicted for the love I ached
That I’d be haunted forever by the broken pieces I’d become
     That there’d be so many nights I’d pray to never wake
That I’d be alone
   That life would lose it’s twinkling wonder
That a lifetime would quickly become way too long to wait

I spent the night salting my face
               considering past loves, and missing the blade

I walked around an apartment that wasn't mine
           feeling like ghost cursed to walk a in a life that never wanted me
   Pleading to live
               I hear her screaming - begging me to fight through it
        Telling me a love is coming, but I'm already on borrowed time
Today I'm shaking
   Wondering how this became my life
             How I got here again
  It should never have been me
         I should never have lived
Last night I coudln't find a pill, bottle, or knife

So today I'm shaking

Terrified of feeling everything that's been building
   how did I get here?
          
                 and why did I believe I could do this?