tilt your head to side
wear a mask of ignorance
when they ask
why you don't understand
hold your tongue
keep your secrecy as a weapon
a sword to surprise
always sharpened

the last face they make will be of shock

"I thought you didn't know."

you always knew.

i will scream until my throat falls in on itself
falls on all the leftover "I Love You"s and galaxies and the words to our favourite songs
piece by piece my body continues to disintegrate, to implode,
and all i can see is your eyes when you laugh
and the only feeling i can grasp onto is when you kissed me;
how it felt like you were giving me your world.
a world i thought i was living in,
a world i thought i could understand
when in reality, i was sitting on the moon looking down on it,
never able to adjust to your atmosphere/


your face is laced to the back of my eyelids;
even the salt water that rushes behind them
refuses to eat it away.
*******, science./

Baby, all I want for Christmas is a blade inscribed with
"Give me Freedom or Give me Death,"
delivered with a Big Red Bow and
the Scent of Your Cologne.
Liberty is a synonym for Demise and I think
that if you stabbed me through The Heart
it will never hurt as much as when I ripped
It out For You myself.
You tried to place It back in,
but once It's removed,
It will Never Beat
the same way again.
Sprinkle My Blood in the snow
and call it Decorating For Christmas.

running out of feeling can be so relieving
sometimes becoming completely numb is comforting
ive gone through every emotion in the past 24 hours
and i think now i am dead.
dead until another memory jolts me back to reality.
there i am again, sliding my heart under the table to you
but you dont even look up
you dont look at all
you let it fall to the floor
"i broke a glass
thats all mum
im sorry"

im sorry
im so sorry
why wasnt i enough
inadequate
marginalized
who am i
im a ghost with a cigarette heart
i gave it to you
you tasted it
i guess you didnt like the love it was laced with
and you blew it back into my sky


it's true what they say,
never to fall in love with a writer
youll live forever
suffering eternal eyes poring over your
lapses
the way you touch
the way you feel
the way you smell
the way you ---

queen of hearts
the sun sets on her tongue
the night sinks into her eyes

king of spades
his mouth brings a myriad of painful pleasures
his hands can hold the world

grasp her gauzy waist
whisper swirls of diamonds that will encircle the heart and render it frozen and glowing

slide your hand under his skin
weave your milky way through his veins and render them fiery and frightening

queen of diamonds
she speaks only in retributive tongues
she loves desperately
the clouds behind her lips are gathering in a storm

king of clubs
he speaks only in the language of power
he loves fiercely
his garden is thirsting for rain


swim in rapturous glaze of mind
experience this plethora of feeling
let your fingers get pruny and divine the message inside the lines


sink your teeth into a stalactite heart, you’ll find your mind explodes with colours- a death worth the last image that consumes you before you’re gone.
the rings of saturn are chandelier crowns and strawberry throats; so close but never touching.
let the lightjuice drip down your spine as you contemplate the reasons you’re still on earth

type of boy: tastes lightly of wintre and cigarette smoke, but mostly of a deep-seated passion that is littered with things he rarely shares.

the lesions have eliminated the ability of my hands and knees to feel the difference between broken bottles, shattered hearts, pieces of bathroom tile. but was there really anything to distinguish them in the first place and there are times when i would die just to be a lightbulb, to illuminate people's lives without having to speak or feel pain, except for the burn of giving your life for people to see each others lips to kiss and to read what is going on in the world.


every evening you torture yourself spewing and spitting your pain into a bottle, because you refuse to allow the words of your excruciation to enter the world. darling, you cannot keep them bottled up forever. i dont think you understand that your pain has been here already, and it will continue to be so until the end of time. it was born when Eve sank her teeth into the Forbidden Fruit and opened the gates of Limbo where Disease and Death reigned supreme. their children escaped and ran into the world to ravage it and they live off of our refusal for comfort, our prideful need to "be strong" when truthfully you will find your release in humility and openness. your throat may fill with a conglomeration of everything that needs to spill but if you just release a drop at a time you will be only watering flowers that were so desperate to live. let the flowers grow inside you and root themselves in your soul. keep watering them. do not waste the water and leave it in the bottle. allow the waterfall to nourish the life within you and become better and stronger. do not keep caged a beast that will only ravage you, not build you up.

your ghost walks hand in hand with my thoughts; they follow the labyrinth you created in my mind. they live without flooring; nothing grounds them. they wish sometimes for a place to settle but Weightless doesn't look good with Gravity--Emotion Faux Pas at its finest. lingering in the halls of Past Embrace, we cant seem to escape-Separation and Anxiety guard the gates there and they adore company. Future cradles Curiosity and Strength in her everlasting arms and we can but reach for her; she will evade you until you worship her King, the Present.

youve plucked pieces of my mind- make a collage with them and dried rose petals; blood works almost as well as glue. give it several weeks to dry and by that time youll have my sanity AND some art for the foyer. hang it above the jar with my heart inside; you may want to change the cloth underneath it, it looks like the "love" has overflown again. im sorry i keep dripping; i didnt want the vaccination, darling, i need the colours i need the life and ive been picking through my veins trying to divine relief through the blues and purples. but there is no respite from this constant ache, no lightening of this burden. youre contagious but my immune system craves this sickness; its an addiction. im left with chiffon bones that float me through a grayscale high and rob me of my senses. living in a silent film, im told what to say and when to say it; it plays on the screen after me. this ink festers under my tongue until it fills my pen with a prison cell and wonderings of an escape. my screams are unheard, unseen; they make no ghost for you to understand but instead pack themselves in my gums, strengthening the threads holding my lips together. i think half a tapestry is whats making it so hard to swallow.

spawners of midnight nostalgia and broken tea cups and patchwork brains that leak into your eyes then brand flowers on your cheeks that bloom into wings so maybe tonight you can fly across the continent and maybe tonight you can feel again.

coffee stained white lace and red lipstick marks on inner thighs and bones melting into muscle= breakfast of champions. 

beating the moon at her own game bc i hide more love in the pores of my skin than she does

dig through my sunflower heart but leave the seeds i need to mail them to my lover so he can plant them in his mouth

there's not always an end to a heartbeat or slippery blood on the linoleum to signify a death.
sometimes the soul just swirls around your mouth as the person's vacant eyes search yours yearning for what they possessed before with the entirety of body, mind, soul. at this point they want to die.
you explode first though. you can't bear the burden of two hearts with the help of another. the dying one on the floor certainly won't take their's back now. your body parts splatter their face and the walls as their last dying breath graces both of your hearts with a thin coating of icy and bitter resentment.

skin's awake; mind dying.
this love is impregnated with distance already.
drown me in gin and pills; maybe i won't wake up.
violence is not the answer, violence is not the answer violence is not the answer violence is-

ive been given the gift of life but im wondering if its possible for me to get the receipt?
id like to exchange it for, perhaps, a loss of inside senses?
rejecting everything thats been given to me like i have the privilege to.
if im here i probably have a purpose right

right?


vulnerable-(adj.)
alone, you've been stripped of your clothing and almost all of your dignity.
you're in a pale gray endless space
there is nothing and no one but you and your slowly but steadily decreasing breaths
there is no motivation to move, to go on.

deficit and compensation. this cycle never ends.
light your blunt on the bottom of my heart that's smoldering away with self-hatred.

c.j.

We all claim to be different but we're all just the same/
In a culture where people are simple and vain.

We lose our minds for momentary pleasure/
Only to be hit again in greater measure.

Craving attention and lusting for love/
You won't reach the top if you can't step above.

Changing to fit in, we're the cookie cutter mold/
My dears, my darlings, it's getting so old.

Monotonously we make our decisions/
Without thinking or feeling, and making incisions.

The world and it's people would be much more alive/
If we stayed true to ourselves and just took the dive.

I am lost in a labyrinth of my own emotion.
Only I hold the key to solving the maze
But I seemed to have dropped it in my rush
To follow you down the rabbit hole,
Hoping love was the light at the end of the tunnel.

Expand, retract, expand, retract, expand,
                                                               expand,
                                                                        expand

Using my ribcage as a loom, he wove his gilded lies through-/
I watched him make a tapestry of my heart,,
I fell for the picture he was creating,,
And while he was tightening his weaving,
I became aware I had no room left to breathe...
The only person who could cut the string was he
So there I was- a dead masterpiece.

Expand, retract, expand, retract,
                                    retract,
                               retract


-c.j.

I am the silence that falls upon a room when I know I'm unwanted

You are the silence that falls upon a rom after someone yells, "SNOW"
And everyone rushes to the window.

I am the awkward conversations and uncomfortable laughs about jokes that
Weren't really that funny..

You are the words that flow onto the paper of a poet
Who has just discovered that the girl he met in a coffee shop
Is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

i couldnt breathe- the anger was burning the insides of my nostrils-
--so i slit my throat trying to open up a new airway-
all that spewed out was a lover's name//
                                              the one who has chained a piece of my heart to his thigh
                                                                                                             emptied it
and uses it as a place to store his change/


my ears still ring with the sound of my heart strings hitting the nickels and dimes.

do you recall as a child
leaping from sofa to chair
because if you "fell in the lava"
you would melt?
darling
your fear must be rekindled
for your morbidity is beginning
to shave off the outer layer
of my nerves;
underneath is strictly lava
the same you were running away from
as a child
it will burn with all the fear
you felt then as well,
something the floor below
your furniture
would never do.
that flaming sensation will only
increase until all the fire
of feeling alive
consumes you.
do not wish upon yourself
something that will only
freeze pain.
not overcome it.

explosions on the roof of my mouth and my tongues crackles with colours, with embers. i will only make love under paper stars and sleep in cotton flower fields if i dont release the fire. ill douse you in oil watch you come alight for me and up in flames you take my body as well and we've created the first real star and our ashes will become the soil for the flowers.

I want to
p  u  n  c  t  u  r  e  
my

LOVE
onto your heart
((in braille))
so that your
       V
            e
                                       I
                            n
                                                 S

can
sssllliiiddddee
O/V/E/R

them
and

rEAD
while

                delivering

the
mEsSaGe
to the
,,rest of your body,,,

The
!intensity! of
what
         I
             feel

(t)(o)(w)(a)(r)(d)(s)

Y     O        U

c\o/r\r/e\l/a\t/e\s/

((with) HOW

QU IC KL Y
Y    O       Ur
                                                                                               b/l/o/o/d

is


m         o v          i         n                                                           g

the sky and i interlaced chests and ive never been more filled or so empty. kaleidoscoping through a maze of starcells and intergalactic veinways, i left my jacket on the seat and it seems im clothed in ******. ive never been more proud to show you my skin im shining and its singing for your touch. petal emotions for the earthlings; we dont engage in such tearable activities. we are connected through the stems into the dirt, the unbreakable, the strength. we ride the tides on moonshine we dont need the gravity. i gave you my roots and you melded ours together; the tree we create will burst forth in the atmosphere and our fruit will build planets for those who open their eyes. and look up.

raw the suns burning me alive and im enjoying every second of it the only part you cant control. i thought you were my solmate but right now i want to ******* **** you. you arrogant ******* how dare you allow me to become like wet sand in your palms and then throw me again into the ocean; you told me we were making drip castles. i was going to be your queen and you my ruler but i cant measure in feet or meters how deeply livid i am. you chased me past my insecurities only to play them like piano keys. my melody is dark and empty yet it seems to be the only song you listen to on repeat. and still i long for you and still i beg for your love. you laugh into my throat as we kiss knowing ill never get my heart back and i just hope ive kept some of your sanity.