skin's awake; mind dying.
this love is impregnated with distance already.
drown me in gin and pills; maybe i won't wake up.
violence is not the answer, violence is not the answer violence is not the answer violence is-

ive been given the gift of life but im wondering if its possible for me to get the receipt?
id like to exchange it for, perhaps, a loss of inside senses?
rejecting everything thats been given to me like i have the privilege to.
if im here i probably have a purpose right

right?


vulnerable-(adj.)
alone, you've been stripped of your clothing and almost all of your dignity.
you're in a pale gray endless space
there is nothing and no one but you and your slowly but steadily decreasing breaths
there is no motivation to move, to go on.

deficit and compensation. this cycle never ends.
light your blunt on the bottom of my heart that's smoldering away with self-hatred.

c.j.

queen of hearts
the sun sets on her tongue
the night sinks into her eyes

king of spades
his mouth brings a myriad of painful pleasures
his hands can hold the world

grasp her gauzy waist
whisper swirls of diamonds that will encircle the heart and render it frozen and glowing

slide your hand under his skin
weave your milky way through his veins and render them fiery and frightening

queen of diamonds
she speaks only in retributive tongues
she loves desperately
the clouds behind her lips are gathering in a storm

king of clubs
he speaks only in the language of power
he loves fiercely
his garden is thirsting for rain


swim in rapturous glaze of mind
experience this plethora of feeling
let your fingers get pruny and divine the message inside the lines


sink your teeth into a stalactite heart, you’ll find your mind explodes with colours- a death worth the last image that consumes you before you’re gone.
the rings of saturn are chandelier crowns and strawberry throats; so close but never touching.
let the lightjuice drip down your spine as you contemplate the reasons you’re still on earth

there's not always an end to a heartbeat or slippery blood on the linoleum to signify a death.
sometimes the soul just swirls around your mouth as the person's vacant eyes search yours yearning for what they possessed before with the entirety of body, mind, soul. at this point they want to die.
you explode first though. you can't bear the burden of two hearts with the help of another. the dying one on the floor certainly won't take their's back now. your body parts splatter their face and the walls as their last dying breath graces both of your hearts with a thin coating of icy and bitter resentment.

i will scream until my throat falls in on itself
falls on all the leftover "I Love You"s and galaxies and the words to our favourite songs
piece by piece my body continues to disintegrate, to implode,
and all i can see is your eyes when you laugh
and the only feeling i can grasp onto is when you kissed me;
how it felt like you were giving me your world.
a world i thought i was living in,
a world i thought i could understand
when in reality, i was sitting on the moon looking down on it,
never able to adjust to your atmosphere/


your face is laced to the back of my eyelids;
even the salt water that rushes behind them
refuses to eat it away.
*******, science./

Baby, all I want for Christmas is a blade inscribed with
"Give me Freedom or Give me Death,"
delivered with a Big Red Bow and
the Scent of Your Cologne.
Liberty is a synonym for Demise and I think
that if you stabbed me through The Heart
it will never hurt as much as when I ripped
It out For You myself.
You tried to place It back in,
but once It's removed,
It will Never Beat
the same way again.
Sprinkle My Blood in the snow
and call it Decorating For Christmas.

running out of feeling can be so relieving
sometimes becoming completely numb is comforting
ive gone through every emotion in the past 24 hours
and i think now i am dead.
dead until another memory jolts me back to reality.
there i am again, sliding my heart under the table to you
but you dont even look up
you dont look at all
you let it fall to the floor
"i broke a glass
thats all mum
im sorry"

im sorry
im so sorry
why wasnt i enough
inadequate
marginalized
who am i
im a ghost with a cigarette heart
i gave it to you
you tasted it
i guess you didnt like the love it was laced with
and you blew it back into my sky


it's true what they say,
never to fall in love with a writer
youll live forever
suffering eternal eyes poring over your
lapses
the way you touch
the way you feel
the way you smell
the way you ---

type of boy: tastes lightly of wintre and cigarette smoke, but mostly of a deep-seated passion that is littered with things he rarely shares.

the lesions have eliminated the ability of my hands and knees to feel the difference between broken bottles, shattered hearts, pieces of bathroom tile. but was there really anything to distinguish them in the first place and there are times when i would die just to be a lightbulb, to illuminate people's lives without having to speak or feel pain, except for the burn of giving your life for people to see each others lips to kiss and to read what is going on in the world.


every evening you torture yourself spewing and spitting your pain into a bottle, because you refuse to allow the words of your excruciation to enter the world. darling, you cannot keep them bottled up forever. i dont think you understand that your pain has been here already, and it will continue to be so until the end of time. it was born when Eve sank her teeth into the Forbidden Fruit and opened the gates of Limbo where Disease and Death reigned supreme. their children escaped and ran into the world to ravage it and they live off of our refusal for comfort, our prideful need to "be strong" when truthfully you will find your release in humility and openness. your throat may fill with a conglomeration of everything that needs to spill but if you just release a drop at a time you will be only watering flowers that were so desperate to live. let the flowers grow inside you and root themselves in your soul. keep watering them. do not waste the water and leave it in the bottle. allow the waterfall to nourish the life within you and become better and stronger. do not keep caged a beast that will only ravage you, not build you up.