I hope I never die

Part of me wants to be there to watch humanity collapse in on itself. I want to see the world destroy itself. Whenever that might be.  I want to be alive until the end of time, and meet new interesting people the whole time. I hope I never die, so I can see what the future for us holds. I’m a much too curious person.


I hope I die sooner rather than later.

Sometimes things get to be too much for me, and all I want is to die. Right there. Right then. On a whim. I don’t care what people say about me. They’ll say I’m just another one of those depressed teenagers who took her own life out of selfishness. I don’t care. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how ****** it is. I just don’t want to be alive to watch the few people that I actually love just deteriorate. I’m not ready for that. I’m not sure if I ever will be.

I’d like you to know that someday you’ll be looking up to me.
I may not be the strongest person in the universe.
But I do have strength.
I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world.
But beauty doesn’t affect my beliefs.
I may not be able to help you.
But God knows, I will sure as hell try.
Someday you’ll look up to me.
Not as a god.
Not as a queen.
As a friend.
As a source of inspiration.
Within these vignettes, I hope you find yourself amongst my words.
I hope you realize what it is you want in life.
I hope you realize what you’re wants are.
I hope you strive for your dreams.
And maybe someday you’ll look back on this, and realize how much it may have helped.
How much these words touched your heart.
For that is my dream.
I don’t want to be a king.
I do not strive to be envied.
I do not long to be in history.
I simply want to be heard.
I want you to cling to my words, like they’re your umbrella, in a storm.
I wish you’d hear me.
That’s all I want.
To be heard.
It’d be a marvelous thing.
To know that I, a young, manic, woman from a small no-good town, has made her way into someone’s heart.
Into someone’s head.
Cling to my words.
For they are my virtue.
They’re all I have.
I wish you’d understand.
I wish you’d look through these pages, and find what it is that you’ve been looking for.
Please.
Someday.
Someday I’ll have helped people.
Someday I’ll maybe have helped you.

It’s you I’d like to touch.
It’s you I’d like to help.
As you walk along the tightrope.
You believe there’s no hope.
But I assure you, my friend, there always is hope.
You may not find it where you’re looking, but I guarantee, it is there.
You must look for it.
You must look for yourself.
Look through your thoughts.
Look through your memories.
Find your true happiness.
Find yourself.

Do not worry about being seen in a negative way.
For those who see you negatively, will always be in your way.
You must not focus on them.
They mean nothing.
Find those who see you as light.
Those who see you positively.
Those who see you as beautiful, in a world full of madness.
They are the ones you must go to.
They are the ones you should waste all your energy thinking about.
For they are the ones who love you.
Whether they admit it or not, it is true.
When you are seen as an angel, through all the fire.
Those are the ones you must think about.
For they care.
They’ll be there.
For you.
Whenever you need them.
Do not worry about those who don’t like you.
It’s simply not worth it.
You can choose your happiness.
You can choose what your thoughts are of.
Always choose the positive light.
You must see the people, who’re there.
The people who care.
Rather than the ******* all around.
Don’t worry about them.
They’ll be gone in a few years.
They’re not worth fretting about.
They won’t be in your life forever.
One day they will be faced, to face themselves.
They’ll get their hit of the world.
They’ll receive the pain they deserve.
Whether you believe in karma, or not.
Believe me.
They’ll get it.
Don’t worry about them
Focus on those who make you happy.
Those who will hold your hand as you walk through the flames.
Those who will listen to all of what you’ve got to say.
For those are the ones who matter.
Those are the ones who’re worth it.
They’ll be there.
They always are.
Go look for them.
You’ll find them.

Through everything, there will always be those who will continue to bring you sorrow.
Who will bring you just more and more problems.
For that is a part of life, my friend.
You must face it.
I’m sorry that it must be so.
But it is.
It always shall be.
One thing I can tell you, friend, is to never let them get to you.
Really.
They’ll be gone out of your life before you know it.
Why worry about all those people, when you could spend your time thinking about all the wonderful people around you.
I understand, the great people are definitely a minority.
You’ve got to search for them.
Then you will find happiness.
It’s with them, you will find happiness.
It is them, who shall help you through all your problems.
It is them, who will take your hand, and help you off the tightrope.
It is them, who will continue to help you through all your dilemmas.

Some won’t understand you.
That’s one of the sad things about life.
Some won’t understand what sort-of help it is in which you ask for.
Because to some, help means nothing, until you need truly need it.

Never find yourself overly worrying about the next school dance.
Trust me when I say, you honestly won’t be missing out on much.
Dances are made so that rich folks can feel better about themselves.
People go out, buy an expensive outfit which they’re only going to wear once.
They get their hair done by some lonely freak in a salon, when it’s only going to get ruined the next day.
Dances were made so that people could spend money on **** they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like, to dance to songs about ***, and drugs, and to dance with people they won’t even remember in three years.
If you ask me, you could spend the money you use at that petty dance, on something way more useful.

I saw my dreams that day.
I’m proud to say.
I realized that they weren’t actually too far away.

The tress were still,
The air, a chill.
I had indeed, seemed to find my will.

The grass, so green.
The landscape, pristine.
The sun was an ever so beautiful citrine.

I found myself that day.
I’m proud to say.
No longer do I simply want to run away.

The air spoke to me.
The trees, heard my plea.
In that moment, I surely knew I was free.

The leaves, caressed my skin.
Beauty bloomed within.
In that moment, I was free of sin.

Everything felt just that day.
I’m proud to say.
I absolutely loved to feel that way.

You know, when it comes down to it, I really am quite the hypocrite.
I can give people some of the most life-changing advice, yet I won’t take it for myself.
I work so hard helping the ones I care about most, when I can’t even help myself.
I can make someone feel so wonderful about themselves, make them realize that they really do matter, when I can’t even do the same for myself.
It’s sad really.
When you’re so involved in other people’s lives, yet you don’t even know what’s happening in your own.
You can help all the people in life you want, but what’s most important is helping yourself.
You can tell people that they matter, but you yourself need to believe the same.
Once in a while, help yourself.
Not only those around you.
For you, matter the most.

My lips burn as I look in the mirror.
I can’t help but focus on that pitiful stare.

The blood rushes through my veins.
I can’t help but look down at the blood stains.

I don’t feel anything anymore.
I've lost what I once stood for.

The blood drips down my wrist.
Why had I not the urge to resist?

Now look what you’ve done.
It’s too late to run.

What were you thinking?
I bet they’ll think I’d been drinking.

You know, I’ve longed for thee.
Get rid of your parti pris.

What shall I do when I see the light?
Will I even try to fight?

Maybe I’ll run right in.
And be convicted for sin.

Maybe I’ll be shown to heaven.
Though I doubt I’ll be forgiven.

Maybe they’ll chain me, and send me back.
But it’s at those chains I’ll wrack.

I didn’t want to be here.
It’s ourselves which I fear.

I can’t do it all over.
To humans I’ve had over exposure.

In all your wounds, I’ll pour salt.
Oh but then, would everything still be my fault?

You say you’re tired, you can’t do this anymore.
Well why don’t you go out, and find yourself a *****.

Obviously I don’t please you, I’m guessing I never did.
Now all that’s left are our memories, and those I’m trying to rid.

You once told me I was your everything, what ever happened to that?
Since there’s no more here to feel, it’s these scars I’ll peck at.

To the stars I am wed,
for thou are so beautiful,
and yet, long dead.