I am broken

B
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Not like a record
Playing on repeat again and again and again and again
No
I am broken
Like glass on the kitchen floor where you're
Afraid to walk
Because a piece of me might
Find it's way into your foot and make you bleed
Well
Maybe it's not your fear but it's mine
And I have feared it since the beginning of time
At least, the beginning of the period of time I realized just how broken I really I am
Or at least
I realized that I didn't have it all together
And I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want them to get their feet cut
On the glass of my broken soul
And so I picked myself up
But all the pieces in a plastic bag
Doubled up in another
Hoping that it won't get cut open
And hurt someone
Meanwhile
The pieces cut at each other
Cut at me while I pretend to everyone else that I'm ok

I'm not sure if I'm fooling anyone or not anymore
And I don't care
I may be broken
But I'm not broken glass
To be thrown in the garbage

I am broken
Like soil, clouds, grain and broken bread
Broken
But still
Beautiful

She is a trouble maker, they say
She smokes and sneaks out at night to see her boyfriend
She drinks too much and doesn't say where she's been
She says bad words and never listens
She is a headache and doesn't appreciate
What she is given

Some say not to be so ******* her
She was abandoned, after all
Her mother didn't want her

But what they don't realize
What nobody seems to realize

Is that she doesn't need pity or sympathy
She doesn't need judgement or apathy

What she needs
I do not know

But maybe, what would help

Is if someone took the time to hang out with her
To take her to lunch and not judge her
To ask what's going on, and listen
Not give advice, but just listen

And ask questions

To be kind

To give her love

Show her

And not expect anything in return

To show her whatever she does, wherever she goes,

She is loved, and she is special.

And isn't that what

We all need?

In the secret depths of my heart I fear that I may never be good enough for you
And in those dark depths
You shine your light
And in the silence that only such dark night bring
Your soft whisper comes over me
And it says to give my fears to you
Like a father cradling his little daughter as she hides her face from the monsters
In her closet or under her bed
You tell me I'm safe and that I have nothing fear
And I bury my head in your chest and wrap your love around me like a cocoon
I may be a caterpillar now, but one day
You'll turn me into a butterfly and I will fly with you
And show the world you make all things new

That moment when you're just too worn out to try
That moment when your spirit feels like it hasn't slept in days
When it feels like its been beaten and run over by a steam roller
That moment when you just feel you can't go on any longer
That moment when you feel alone and abandoned and like you can't call anyone because it's late
And you don't want to wake anyone
That moment where you just want to lay under the covers and never come out
That moment where you wish you could cry into someone's chest
Instead of your damp pillow
That's when you learn
About endurance
Emotional, spiritual, psychological endurance
That's when you learn that yes, there will be moments like this, days like this
But you can't let those moments define who you are
You can't let those moments take over your life and you can't just lay there
Hoping someone will read your mind and call you, they won't
But if you call they will pick up the phone
And they may not be there with you in person
But their spirit will take you in their arms and hold you as cry and lay there broken
Because that's what true friends do for one another
And with their help, you will find a way to get through it
To move forward
Even if it's one baby step at a time
Even if it's on your hands and knees
You will get through it

And so in that moment
In those moments where you feel like you can't go on
Keep going
Endure, if only long enough to
Reach out
You're not alone

I just thought I should let you know
I'm ready
Ready to admit that I am a broken, confused human being whose mind
isn't exactly all there. . . .
And I'm ready to ask for help
To say that I'm not doing so well
Ready to take a leap of faith and tell the truth
About what's really going on inside my heart

All the anger and bitterness
mixed with the longing to replace it with grace and healing
The shards of my broken heart stuck into my soul
They're bleeding but I'm afraid if I pull them out I might bleed to death
And I should also tell you about how lonely I am at night
When the stars aren't even hinted at existing beyond the cold cloudy sky
And those nights I cry
And I wish there were someone to hold me but I am so afraid
I can't even call anybody because I don't want them, I don't want you, to see me

I still don't don't want you to see

But if I don't let you see the real side of me
I'm afraid I'll just fade away or the shards in my soul will draw too much blood
And I'll just
Slowly die in front of your eyes
And although I don't really believe it
I know that you do love me and I know that I love you and that were I in your shoes
I couldn't stand to see you die like that and so
I tell you
What's really going on
And pray that you don't judge
That you don't stop loving me because that
Is what I'm most afraid of
That is what I thought you should know

I am young in body
But my spirit is old and is worn
It has loved and lost and mourned and forgiven
It has served and received nothing in return
My soul is not bitter
But it is sad
And it is tired from giving
And it wants to give
Really, it does
But to give and receive nothing
Not even a smile or phone call in return
It is disheartening and my soul
My soul is tired
And it is old
And I'm not sure how much more it can give
Before it grows too weary to go on
All it wants
Is to curl up with hot mug of apple cider and snuggle into someone next to a fire
On a cold winter's night

But my soul has resigned itself
To trudging outside in the snow
Giving others what it wants most
And to hope
In defiance of all chance and reason
That one day
Someone will give it what it wants most
In the meantime
It gives

I once was blind
But now that I can see
I am free