The buzz

It was different

People moving everywhere all the time
But there was still something
Beautifully personal
In the anonymity

I stood out like a sore thumb, I know
With my accented Japanese and my face
But I was doing my best
To blend in

To that landscape of heterogeneous homogeny

That buzz

Of hard work and hard play
The serenity of those nights
On crowded city streets
Or calm country valleys

I've been chasing it ever since
Never to succeed and find anything like it

Dearest Japan,
Your sights,
Your sounds,
Your smiles,
会いたい

I hated
being your therapist

Bound by expectations and theory
that tells me what to say and how to say it
When this real person
Was sitting
Three feet across from me
Standing on her last leg

I wanted to tell you what I saw in you
not what the theory said
I wanted to tell you
that your future was bright
Your smile could light up an entire room
Your passion and creativity could lead you
From these depths to your success
If only
Just a little
You could believe in yourself
Your talent
And your smile

Instead
I watched as you struggled
And I struggled myself
To help you see
In the most objective light possible
Your own beauty
And how you could change your thinking

But little by little
Those people hurt you
And you felt your trust
Slip
Away

Until you no longer wanted to live
Until
You told me
What you would do

I called for help
To someone I could trust with my own life
We tried to save yours
I never
Saw
You
Again

You are alive
And hopefully well

But how
I
wish
I had been your friend
And not your therapist

How many tears
Have fallen on a bathroom floor?

This place that is
Disregarded

In our darkest times
Is a private sanctuary
Where we escape to cry
And scream
And sit and stare

Away from prying eyes
And judging voices

Perhaps it is one of the few remaining
Sanctuaries that we can seek

When all hope is lost
These walls do not try
To stop our tears
Or give us advice

They do not abuse us
Or shout
Or judge
And whisper

They merely protect us
Enclosing us from the outside world
And give our minds that space
To think
Without
Any
One
Else

How many tears
Have  fallen on the bathroom floor?

An ocean.