'what a bright boy', they said. 'what a talented boy', they said.
'what a kind, friendly and thoughtful boy', they said.
the praise flowed smoothly from their lips - effortless;
the flash of a heartwarming smile the only coaxing necessary.

'what a sweet boy', she said. 'what a compassionate boy', she said.
'what an understanding, sensitive and protective boy', she said.
her footsteps fell in rhythmic time with his - effortless;
the warm pressure of his hand in hers the only coaxing necessary.

but the boy found that he was not content with all these things.
they were not masks that he wore, these shimmering attributes.
no lies, no trickery, no illusions cast in a web around the unsuspecting;
they were the unyielding, steadfast, undeniable truth.

.. and that is what troubled the beautiful, charming boy.
that is what furrowed his brow and kept him awake at night,
peering into the shadows deep in thought
while the believers and the bright eyed girl lie fast asleep in their beds.

the wheels in his head turned at a frantic pace, racing endlessly -
thoughts flying in a colored blur faster than his mind could chase them.
love only leads to pain. adoration, to rejection.
passion, to an unrelenting sense of worthlessness.

was it worth the fight? worth the praise? worth the risk?
or was being a shell enough to get by -
a heart still beating,
lungs still churning,
but a heart
safely
hollow?

we were an impractical nothing.
a shot in the dark that missed its target.
we were clouded whispers and secret kisses.
and then we were nothing.
nothing when all i wanted was something.

how can i let go when what could have been is
still
so
tempting?

i was a fighter.
walls erected and locks secure;
waiting with bated breath for the attack.

i was a fighter.
every day, trying to erase your smile with a glare
that bore a striking resemblance to a dagger.

i was a fighter.
every day, trying  to annihilate your compassion
with a tongue as razor sharp as a sword.

i was a fighter.
every day, trying to drown out your sweet whispers
with a silence as deafening as the roar of battle.

i was a fighter.
but little did i know that breaking down my
defenses to break my heart was not your intention.

i was a fighter.
until i realized i wanted you to win.

the notes that trickle sweetly
from the strings of his guitar speak
softly of a forever that never had its start.

his lips fail to hold back a trembling voice
that sings unabashedly of the spell she once cast.

images appear of dark hair spread in a mess against his pillow,
of smiling brown eyes looking up into his - faces inches apart,
a million things being whispered without the use of words.

images appear of dark hair silhouetted against falling white snow,
of smiling brown eyes saying 'catch me if you can' - a childlike
wonder enveloping her every move as she dances her way to his side.

images of dark hair being lazily brushed through by his fingertips,
of smiling brown eyes gazing at the world with enchanted curiosity -
never knowing whether to look at him or to look somewhere else.

'for eternity', the refrain reads.
he rips the pen stained, blue lined paper into pieces.

when i take a fleeting second to think on the rarity that is us,
there is no reason for me to be thinking about you
every second of every day.

they tell us from the moment we are born
until the moment we die that it is devastatingly useless
to want something that you should not have.

this is something that would be destructive to me.
this is something that would be even more destructive to you.

against the will of my judicious brain,
i spend half of my time daydreaming -
tracing the curves of your face in my mind.

against the will of my burdened heart,
i spend half of my time in torture -
convincing myself that i don't feel this way.

when i step back, though, the reality hits me.
the answers i have sought become as clear as untroubled waters.

it is the brilliant gold specks in your emerald and turquoise eyes,
it is the rush of warmth when your fingertips brush my skin,
it is the fact that your smile is brighter than any sunshine i have ever seen,
it is the cool, sweet whisper of your breath against my neck,
it is the feel of your arms wrapped protectively around me,
it is the rare occassions where i get a glimpse of the boy behind all those walls,

that keep me captivated.

i cannot say that this is love.
i cannot say that I know what love is.
i can say that this is a strange kind of happiness -
a common understanding between two dreamers -
two hearts beating in the same ¾ time.

this is the desire to jump - eyes closed -
into something i am unsure of.
this is the will to pick myself up off of the floor
and try to be whole again just one more time.

i want to tell you how i feel. i have to tell you how i feel.