I don’t think I love you anymore.
I give up on trying
I can’t bring myself down enough for you
I am already nothing

My heart is a piece of paper, crumpled again and again
There are only so many times you can look passed the wear and tear
The water stains from the words you say
The small rips, with no intentions of destroying me completely..
but doing it ever so slowly..

What was once written upon it is no longer legible
No longer easily seen
Maybe the words have already faded
Maybe I can’t get them back

And I have already forgotten what was once written there

I always feel this way when the wave rushes in
Claiming what is its from the shore
Leaving it barren and
Vulnerable

I always feel this way when the nausea sets in
Crushing against my ribs like a weight making itself comfortable for the night
Crushing me further and further as I beg it to stop
I plead that it stops

Back to the ocean what the wave has claimed lies at the floor
Another wave takes what is left, farther out to sea
The place where the horizon meets the ocean, farther than the eye can tell the difference
So far away that no one cares to look for it anymore  

It is forever lost

She' s seven years old
She's too young to worry about her thighs touching as she walks
too young to know the what she wants is to be less
less in size, becoming less of herself

She's ten years old
She's too young to feel her stomach knocking against her empty rib cage as if someone was knocking and never getting a reply
She's too young to refrain from cartwheels on the beach, too young to no longer leave foot steps
She's too young to already have a monster that follows her around

She's 13 years old
She's too young to inhale that first cigarette because she hears it will help her not eat as much
Too young to understand that her lungs are on fire, next to a lot of things that have burned long ago
Too old to go to mom's bed at night when she has another nightmare about taunts they give her at school

She's 18 years old
She's too old to deal with the ******* anymore
Too fed up with the ideal image that burned in her brain like she was branded by it
She wears the names she has been called her entire life like a crown
for she is too young to know what beauty is, but too old to be imprinted by it

After all is said and done, what exists now are the shadows
The shadows of what was once torn by the fabrication I created
The shadows tell us a story we know all too well
They tell us a story of what we were

After everything, all that exists is the cool shade we bring from our bodies as we shield the concrete from the sun
We thought we were so transparent that the sun would go right through us
But what was found was not hollow, but not quite solid
What was found was fragile

And what exists now, is broken.

I have a gender. I was born a woman therefore I have fear.

I have fear. I am taught at a young age to fear the monsters that come out at night, on the street corners and in dark allies.

I have a particular monster. When I was 11 I was diagnosed with anxiety, a fire that becomes uncontrollable at times.

I have a home. To get to this home I have to walk multiple blocks at night.

I have a phobia. This phobia includes those who walk behind me, and those who walk too close.

I have rationality. I am told I am rational for fearing those who surround me as I walk home.

I have what is expected of me.  By society I have expectations of what I am supposed to look and act like to be considered a successful woman.

I have a roommate. This roommate smokes to curve hunger and in her cigarette burns more than ash but less of what she desires.

I have a mother whose wrinkles are beautiful and tell stories. These wrinkles tell the story of every smile she gave and every laugh she enjoyed, but she is told they are ugly and she covers them day after day.

I have ears. With these ears I hear women telling themselves they aren’t good enough.

I have eyes. With these eyes I see my own reflection and try and see myself as less of an image, or reflection, and more as a person.

I have mind. With this mind I create a vision of a place where people hear what I say instead of seeing what I wear.

I have a life. With this life I want change.