Today was heart wrenching
I woke up thinking of her
She's all I think about,
And it's because of my birthday.
As it gets closer,
I get more distressed.
I grow older.
She will never age.
Time continues,
and she forever remains frozen in time.
Pristine and pure.
Breathe.
It hurts.
My soul, heart, everything
Knowing things I wish I didn't.
Maybe then ignorance would truly be bliss.
Maybe
Living life not regarding
the sorrows of the world.
I'm not that lucky.
It hurts not knowing why,
why the world was so cruel
And she found no comfort in it.
Not knowing,
What made that moment her last.
That hurts the most.
I ache to know the answer.
It doesn't end there,
My family has not yet healed.
Mom constantly checks on my sister,
hoping she hasn't chosen the same fate.
This scares me.
I don't know how to help them heal or even myself.
Physically I cannot help anyone,
and they in return cannot help me.
I am alone.
I am nothing.
I don't want to hate her for what she did
but sometimes I curse her for it.
Cursing her for making so many people hurt.
Hurt is such a simple word.
it helps to explain how I feel physically,
but more importantly how it affects my mind and heart.
I like simple words that get to the point,
that anyone can understand
Like when I say my heart hurts,
Because it is not a physical pain, no
It's a pain much deeper
and will take much longer to heal.
A scar will be left, yes.
May that scar never fade.
If it ever did that memory of her would fade with it.
I never want to forget her.
She was such an important part of my childhood.
She doesn't deserve that.
She deserves to stay ingrained in my heart.
I just hope that when the time comes the resentment will leave.
She did no do this to hurt me.
Repeat.
She did not do this to hurt me.
It's true. She had no intentions of hurting those she loved.
She did it to free herself.
That's hard to accept.
But one day I will.
One day..
I am mentally unstable.
My emotions are polarized and unpredictable.
That scares me.
I liked being happy,
now I feel guilty.
Guilty for enjoying life,
when others can't.
I want to be happy again.
Reminder:
I feel pain,
I am alive,
I feel pain,
One day things will get better,
but not now.
Now is not the time,
I am not ready.
I take people's time,
I am selfish.
I need help.
I need too many things.
Not material,
Something much more powerful.
Reminders that life is worth living
I am not alone.
Everyone is alone
But not always.
I can ask for help,
when I want.
I want to take the hurt out of my heart for simply a day,
and place it on a pillow.
Walk away and live.
Come back and return to the sorrow.
I simply want a day
A day when she will laugh
And I will listen.
I miss her laugh.
I am selfish and kept her laugh.
I am not sorry,
I loved that laugh.
I miss her.
I am alone.
Breathe.
I am alone.
I am not okay.
I need help.
I will forgive.
I take time to heal.
Maggie did not do this to hurt me.
Repeat.
She did not do this to hurt me.
I wrote this almost a year ago when my childhood friend committed suicide. I apologize in advance for the length; however, I did cut out a few chunks that were only necessary during my healing process. I hope you are able to enjoy it.