Everything was always
In reverse with you
as you took all reason
and threw it away

I regret my ignorance every day.

But despite it all
here I am
listening to what memories of your presance tells me rather than my intuition
And even as I write this
Your hypnotic charm blurs my regret from miles away

And suddenly who I am is not as important as you.

I'm not sure
if I ever did love you
But if I was given forever
as promised
I know I would have.

If you were mine,
I’d grab your hand,
Hold your head,
Look into your eyes,
And ask you to breath.

If you were mine,
I’d tell you how you are ok,
And remind you that it’s healthy to heal.
I’d beg you to sit and rest.

But you chose to shut me out,
so now I watch as you spiral into oblivion,
As everyone laughs and cheers in glee,
I hear your scream rise above the rest.
I cringe at your violent moments,
And silently beg fans to stop calling your mania joy.

And as the crowd flocks around you,
I see the energy in your brain,
charge the wild in your eyes,
And I desperately pray that you are not as alone
as you were when you were mine.

Voices are always
much more vivid
after a period of absence from them in my ear.

Nevertheless,
your burnt orange nature was so shocking,
that it was almost painful

And as I grappled with
how I had lived next to it for so long,
I realized that all the shades were wrong,

For when it was just us,
you'd stoop down to my level,
as your rough tones would break into melting amber.

But today was not the case,
as the energy coursing through your throat,
was a bright, blinding tangerine

My name in your mouth seared me,
my ears burned as I listened to you sing,
The pulsating light left me squinting in surprise

Suddenly I've found the motivation to remove myself from you.
For you no longer are the answer to the relaxation I seek,
As I accept that your makeup no longer consists of my cool tones.

Stillness rests in the air,
I'm not sure if it's good yet.

Because this house will forever be still
and restless.
Like the individual,
tossing and turning
In that kingsized bed,
meant for more than one.

Or the two faint voices,
whispering into the night,
writing worries
for their little monsters to eat,
because who is going to tell them no.

Even the grandiose silver portrait,
looming over the home,
seems sadder than ever,
as she makes eye contact with the dog,
who's gloom pairs quietly with the lighting

Or the little one curled on my chest,
with his last sentence before slumber:
"I really miss baba"
ringing in my ears.

Reeling,
Legs burning,
Chapped face,
Overwhelmed,
Following the ebb and flow,
Swaying in the familiar dance.
Joy.

American romance,
Empty pools,
Teenage dreams,
The unknown.

Resting on top of the world,
Watching activity below,
Yet singularity in existence.

Shattering what’s to come,
Turning over past,
Shocked in present.
Happiness.

Familiar tracings,
Rough seats,
Cool breeze,
Triumphant warmth,
Security.

The textures,
Soft and rough,
Metrometric rise and fall,
Occasional shifts,
Constant peace,
Resting,
Fitting,
Pressure,
Patterns,
Depth.

Spurred by rain and impending eyes,
Rushing on,
Exhilaration.
Vibrant, brilliant, psychedelic chromatics.
Melting tones,
Air cutting,
Screaming,
Joy.

Silent night
snow falling gently
Whispering familiar screams
quietly to not give away how much I really do care,
as I think of what tonight was supposed to be

Bright afternoons
Planned Poses
Quiet diners
Fluorescent lights
Slow partings
Intimate aspirations.

But they are figments of my imagination,
Sculpted from the few moments we had,
based on long term ideas.

And as I study the stars,
I pray that you find your peace,
And wonder if you will do the same.

Reeling through the midnight streets,
Studying you,
As you ponder me,
One hand round my waist the other on my spine,
as I cradle your head and you cradle me,
and I can feel your smile as I catch your eyes.

I know you feel my heart racing.

Monday was persistent energy and steady annoyance,
similar to the whine of an old motor.

Tuesday was venom dripping into sugar,
as biting words coated in carelessness stung in an unknown degree.

Wednesday was watching the cycle of the sky while paralyzed,
as my focus slips in and out of reality.

Thursday was inconsistent rain.
Violent, steady, refreshing, and cold.

Friday was heat burning behind my eyes,
mixed with paranoia and lethargy.