Watch it won’t you?
My heart beating,
Throwing itself against my chest,
as I hear the words you say

Feel it won’t you?
My heart tugging
Desperately struggling in its fleshy bounds
Reaching out with clammy hands, only a child would own

Listen won’t you?
My heart thudding,
Each beat a cry,
For a touch, a taste, of forbidden happiness

Love me won’t you?
My heart spluttering,
Last beat straining,
Last look loving.

I open my eyes,
Darkness floods my senses.
Filling my mouth,  my ears, my nose
Until it and I become one
A fusion of doubt and insecurity.

But its ok, I’m ok.
A stretch of my fingers and you are there,
My skin dances at this tiny contact
Warmth spreads from your skin to mine.
I am complete.

Light and dark wrestle within me,
I smile as your warmth swarms through.
I am cleansed.
My heart flutters,  my lungs expand,
I breath in your smell.

A rustle of a pillow, sleepily, you turn towards me.
“ Are you ok my love?”
My face pressed against your chest  I smile.
“Always ,with you.”
A sigh of relief
“Always.”

When you’re drunk I think of you
The blanket over your senses
The numbness you feel from head to toe
As your feet bump and slide together
You watch them, fighting separately for progress

You get embarrassed when I mention
Your attempts at communication
Something along the lines of
“ H love yov so ro so much”
It’s the thought that counts I suppose

I pretend I don’t count the hours
Or the scenarios in my head
Of all the places you could have been
All the things you could have done

I am a carefree lover

“I’ll be careful! I promise!” You stress
That bland lie
Leaves your tongue with the sweetest intentions
And I love you for your attempts at reassurance
“I know dear, you always are.”

And we smile together,  in our unintentional ignorance.

Hate me
Your heart is in my grasp

Despise  me
As I clench it in my fist

Refuse me
My beautiful toy thing

Leave me
Don’t love me the way you do

Ignore me
I don’t deserve your calls

Hurt me
The way I hurt you

Forget me
My fickle heart will flutter no more

So simple and so sweet
My bouncy box of music
Clinking and clanking
Gently through my ear drums

Pressure pressure pressure
Sweetly appealing for release
No monsters here.
I hold nothing to fear.

A lull in my resolve
That simple handle,
Turning.
Butterfly Silence.

Excitement and fear bundle as one
This monster untamed,
Lurching and wailing
My fears, My nightmares.
Exposed.

With cold dead hands
I tease the creature back.
Whispering plans,
Hopes  and dreams
Hushed away once more.

Butterfly silence.
My momentary relief.

All I can do is
Sit
And
Stare
At the shapes your mouth is forming.

The O’s and the A’s
knitted into words
Your lips tremble
But  your words still find me

Hide and seek with my hands

Its too much
Its too wrong
Its not true
I’m not going to let it be.

Crying
Is an option
But you need me
Role reversal I watch you cry
Awkward pat across the seats

Why tell me here? Cars have no hiding places.

We stare blindly in the direction of the windscreen
I pretend it’s a television
Count the trees, count the sheep
Distraction from you

I want my bliss back

Dancing, spinning in the dark,
Catching glimpses of reality
But always retreating
Happily settling
Into comforting ignorance

Believing in daydreams
Delighted in fantasies
Swept up in someone else’s love
Never deserving, always wanting
Insatiable appetite for desire

Crashing, falling we let it go
Moments of desire, guilt and joy
Mingle and melt like uncountable tears
Hastily brushed away
From an ever cheerful face

Hiding the secrets, Hiding the lies
My tiny escapes define me
We dance together
For better for worse
Forever entwined your heart and mine
As I smile upon your saddened face, the dance begins again.

How can you enjoy love?
When he stole it from you

She sat where she had sat on the stair
Held her head in her hands
And felt the fists and the feet
Pushing himself inside
And taking her out

She could see him leering
In her unreflective eyes

She would no longer let him fester in her soul
Deep rooted
Wrapped around her veins and muscles
Interlocked within her every intimate move

A pat on the back
Would never penetrate deep enough
To wrap her scars in silk
And tease out the knots they had forged around her heart

So she wore the lipstick she had worn
Smudged poorly over her child lips
Bright red so all could see
Every kiss she had placed
Over every place he had been.

My polka dot Mama
Speckled with drops of love
Not blood

How can you enjoy life?
When he took every chance you had

Here is my box
Just for me
Full to the brim
Of hopes and dreams

You can try
To strain and see
But these things here
Are just for me

And when the world
Begins to smother me
I climb inside my box
Of hopes and dreams

For they can’t touch me when I hide
I’m sheltered from reality
I laugh, I smile
When I’m inside
Because they can never take my fantasies.

SLAP!
The smirk
Slithers,
Slips,
Slides,
from your face.

Your eyes glaze over
Pride is your life boat.

I snap my hand back
Like you are burning.
You don’t deserve my skin.

One last time,
My eyes sweep your face
I am satisfied with my creation.

Your smirk
Slithers,
Slips,
Slides,
Onto my lips.

On the walk home
My chance arises!
You smirk.
And sulkily, I slink away.

My face lights up when you appear
The swift joy you bring, impossible to contain.
I am yours.
And you are mine.

That electric spark we created, stayed.
Through out our times of fear and pain.
Wrapped around me through the storm,
We smiled together through it all.

When I am lost, alone and torn.
Inside I clutch this glittering warmth.
Forever pulsing with my heart,
our beautiful  and constant melody.

Tomorrow may be harder and uncontrollable,
And we may rant and rave and cry
But with the spark winding and uncontained
I know we will always steadily beat in time.

We stand, close enough to touch,
Our heads and hearts already entwined
In our inescapable knot of love.

Face to face,
Heart to heart
Just like it always has been.

Words tumble through my mind, trip on my tongue
Butting gently at my lips
I want to spit them out and let you see
All of my insides.
These knotted thoughts and unknown parts,
This tangled mess of confusion and fear
Belong to you alone,
To you alone my dear.

Cut me open with your love
Expose every vein and bone.
Find every secret, every feeling.
Please understand my scrambled mind,
In a way I never want to.
Please tease out the knots of pain
And make them something new and limitless.

Amongst this uncontrollable ocean of  me, I treasure you.
Every touch, every kiss,
Our desperate and uncontrollable passion.
I pull together, to make a raft
To float above the frightening depths
I’m too afraid to swim.

You are my life boat
I need you to breath, I need you to be,
Don’t let me sink into the darkening depths of me.
My love, my light, I’ll follow you
Across these dark, intrepid seas
Because you alone,
You, alone my love,
Are the beautiful part of me.

In this shroud of warmth
I hide
Clutching every part of me
Together
As insecurity swells and burns

The hem must surely go down
Some more
The neck must pull up
Further
I want to submerge

Sink into the scratchy tent
Completely
Drown amongst my
Limbs
As I writhe and stretch to provide sufficient space

For the monster inside my head