i spoke to thee
with a smile and thou didst not
answer
thy mouth is as
a chord of crimson music
                            Come hither
O thou,is life not a smile?

i spoke to thee with
a song and thou
didst not listen
thine eyes are as a vase
of divine silence
                      Come hither
O thou, is life not a song?

i spoke
to thee with a soul and
thou didst not wonder
thy face is as a dream locked
in white fragrance
                      Come hither
O thou,is life not love?

i speak to
thee with a sword
and thou art silent
thy breast is as a tomb
softer than flowers
                        Come hither
O thou,is love not death?

Something.

Write...something.

Headphones on, and the music is pounding loudly, draining out every thought but that.
"Something".
Every second of every minute of every day, I have a billion thoughts.
Most of them are meaningless, but a few aren't. They all scream out for attention.
Sometimes I yell for them to stop.
Sometimes I cry, begging them to take their time.
Each in turn, each in sequence.
But it's always a thousand thoughts, a thousand voices wanting to be heard.
Princesses needing to be saved.
Heroes wanting to save them.
Drug addicts, down on their luck, looking for a way out.
Teenagers who hate their parents. Parents who hate their kids.
A girl whose just fallen in love, and the guy who doesn't want to give her the chance.
A million ideas. A million seeds, wishing they could bloom into anything. Something.
So the headphones pump on, inspiring me to write them down. Giving them the chance to become something.

Your smile spreads across your face like a butterfly,
And glistens like sunlight reflecting fleeting white flashes
Off of rippling blue waves.  Only,
Your smile does not give the peace of vast emptiness
That comes from the beam of nature, alone.
Instead, it awakens a passion from numbness that

It is real, not just in some novels or the movies,

For us--Oh, how I hoped it was real!
I dreamed the monarch you showed me was intrinsically for me.
My blind heart, overflowing, pled to know you-
What your smile was for and how to make it flutter
Again and again, and you, too, would've seen mine for its essence,
Understanding that one was special, secure, reserved for you.

They say you hurt
The ones you love
The most.
I wonder how true
That must be.

I can't even bear to think
Of hurting you.
Yet you give out hurt
Like its a hobby.

With all the pain
You've put me through
You must love me
More than I could ever
Love you.

It burns. So deathly excruciating.

It's like a never-ending, heart wrenching feeling, that separates all other emotions, all other pains, and all other scars apart.

That feeling of regret and fallen memories, colliding with each other and dragging you down so low that Hell appears to be Heaven.

Why? Why after so many years?

After so many others have managed to steal my heart, even if it was just for a moment.

Why? Even though I know those days are over, that they could never begin again, that there will always be a broken link and I will always shatter, fall, and crumble once more.

Why are these emotions still here? Why do they linger like a black cloud, suffocating me and chaining me down like a wild animal?

I know that you are only a memory, so then why are you still here?

Why do I think about you, dream about you?

Why even though I know all of your flaws and your undeniably inexcusable actions do I grip at my heart and say "I still love you"?

Even though time after time I have told myself the very opposite.

Time and time again I have banished you from my life and yet hoped there was still a chapter left of this dark story.

Why after so many countless times where I have been defeated by you, where I have fallen once more for the ****** games you play,
twisting your black fingers around my spine and seeing how far you can go until it breaks?

Why do my forsaken eyes mistake you as an angel, when you are the devil himself?

Must I continue to have hope, wishing that I could try again, even though I know you're going to once more watch as I lose all sight of the truth?

Sinister and vile as you are, relish in my delusional state, knowing you have me in your claws which scrape at my back and leave scars that not even God could heal.

Do you even know how disgusting, how sickening and maddening it feels to know that you can't even see the pain you have inflicted on me? Sure you can see the bandages, but are you really that blind to the truth of their nature?

How deep these scars truly run? How badly and desperately I screamed and begged for help inside as you dug your claws into my flesh and carved them out yourself?

Can you not see the depression, the hopeless battered soul seeping through my eyes?

I pretend I am strong. I live every day breaking at the cracks and somehow manage not to collapse into a pile of broken pieces.

Tears are dried out and the ache of a heart that has been stomped on so severely that it bleeds gray is only a small burden compared to all of the rest.

I walk on a path where there is a light just in reach, but the path vanishes once you have come close enough to that hopeful light that you can brush it with the tips of your fingers.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to look in the mirror and have to remind yourself every single day that you were never good enough?

That you are a wasted canvas, painted beautifully at first but then crumpled and thrown out because you never had a chance at being satisfactory.

You will never understand that my own emotions are poisoning me.

You have grabbed at my throat and shaken me so violently that I am unable to move, paralyzed in shame. Paralyzed in sorrow.

And yet, as I look into your eyes, I am mesmerized by your face, I fall into a trace, trapped in your spell. Trapped in this deadly cycle.

You have dragged me down into this pitiful thing. This choking, lifeless relationship where I struggle to stay alive while you climb higher on your pedestal.

And despite my previous errors, I willingly fall into your hands. Blinded by the false light you shine above your head.