It can go either way
But it cannot be either way

The ways of opportunities
Or the numerous possibilities

Continuous halls and doors to roam
through life collectively and alone

Knock. Knock.
Who's there?

Capacity and Limitations.
May we come in?

No thank you. I like my present company.

Come and visit with me once you have passed through all the other doors and halls a trillion times a trillion times moreso.
I'll be staying right here either way.

In elementary school my favorite part of recess was balancing on a teeter totter talking with a friend.
I don't remember our conversations anymore but I often picture us crossed legged or legs dangling balancing opposite of each other.
Over two decades have passed since those days and I find that I still aim to sit or stand relatively balanced.
On this teeter totter I now play on in the recesses of my memory a loud and obnoxious boy comes to upheave me from my post.
As the years go by the person attempting to knock me off my station changes.
I long for a companion to sit with me and just balance. To be engaged with me in a silent communication.
I long for a counter balance to lighten me when I become too heavy and to strengthen me when I become too weak.
And I yearn for a partner that can dance with me along the thin board of this teeter totter, completely in tune with the patterns and motions of each other in a splendid harmony.
Falling off the teeter totter one too many times. I no longer trust others to maintain the balance I am seeking. Maybe this is why engagement has become so frightening.

I cannot say that we were ever really close.

We knew each other sure.

When the door was locked and closed.

Careful not to say your name because of its allure.

In your absence another I have chose.

Now time has taken us a world away.

I lost touch with you
I lost sight of you
I lost the sounds of you
I lost lessons taught by you

I thought I won by losing you
I was wrong by losing you
I lost

Dear ex lover
Whom I loved before
I miss you daily more and more
But I can't tell you that's for sure

Am I the cancer
eating you from the inside out?
Am I your frustration
that manifests as gout?
Am I the cause for when you shout
or the reason for why you pout?
Do you have no control over your
thoughts or your tongue?
Do you know how much poison
into the air you have flung?
I am not the one to blame for your actions.
I am not your frustration.
I am not the cancer.
I am the part of you that you call daughter.

I am the baby you knew of the moment of conception.
I am the infant that giggled and smiled at you unconditionally.
I am the little girl that sought you for protection.
I am the young lady that needed lessons to learn.
I am the woman inspired by the woman that raised you.
I am the adult that was influenced by your good and bad examples.
I am the part of you that you call daughter.

I’m a little white package engineered to get lit
encased in plastic till its time for the composition to hit
packed with quick jabs and hard punches in every word
I make sure they don't fall short of a knock out encore.
can't have rhymes ringing the bell like “ah...heh heh hello
i need your permission to enter in
forget that noise I don’t need anybody’s invitation
I’m here to signal others to join a mission
listen while you can to this call of ambition
or fall behind this move of dissemination
you’ll be left in the dust piecing together
the opportunities missed to rise above the herd
futile attempts to eclipse the masses
speaking the same disdain of placement in status
The time is now it’s ticking away
tune in and listen or meet the dismay
today will be the test of victory or defeat
Get off your ***** and stand up on your feet.

~S.M.S

I have been seeing multifaced people I wish to be multifaceted souls. and I have been hearing swarms of whispers rasping away at any ear dull enough so its suggestions can infiltrate and not be discerned. back alleys and hallways; closed quarter affairs. people ruled by a force they think is their own best interest. suffering from their very lusts.

thoughts overflow of
memories and decisions.
Past Present Future.
I fill my nights with hopes and dreams
while my days delight with children laughing
I leave them for an hour or two
Return to shouts of mama! And "I love you's"
Not every day is easy or blissfully secure
But every day is worth more and more.
Although I feel my family is incomplete
There is nothing in this world in which I can compete.
So we read
We learn
Laugh and play
And say sweet dreams at the end of the day.

~S.M.S

Words failed to elicite
Tangible trust
Reliance on hope
Became a must

The actions spoke
Of indecisive cowardice
Flaunting false pride
In self righteousness

The heart aches
Bearing weight measured
Slowly relieved by tears
And simple pleasures

Demons taunting
"Give us your life"
Angels gathered shouting
"Take hold of your life"

The ground readily waits to consume mere mortals flesh
The heavens prepare and rejoice when the soul takes solace

Eternal life or eternal death?
Excruciating to be anticipating
An unpleasant existence
Warring between the two

Steady the powers inside
Alignment and balance is key
Otherwise they're let loose
everyone becomes prey

Disorder, chaos, havoc, panicked fray
Where did all their "knowledge and intelligence" go?
Actions to reactions or reactions to actions
There will be an end to it all
At some point in time.

~S.M.S

Rinse lather repeat
Wince tatter delete

Picking apart emotions
Building up solutions

Repairing walls with mortar
De-clutter you hoarder

Feelings fray
Decisions stay

There's been some brainwashing
Now I'm doing some brain washing

~S.M.S

I walked along a black ice capped road
One evening not lacking the bite of winter.
As cars hummed by with lights blinding
I thought how easily I could die
So I sprung out in song about my death
Singing gaily and chipper
I played out a scenario of a hit and run collision
My head was cracked on the pavement upon impact
And I was laying there singing "oh they left me, see how they left me. Not a care in the world, they must have thought I was a speed bump."
I questioned my sanity to have seen and entertained such gruesome morbid thoughts but I realized I was in good spirits.
Jovial and giddy
Skipping down the road
So I questioned my psyche
Then I realized there is nothing to fear about death when you're really alive.

~S.M.S

Poetic words fall away
when spoken to the great minds
not consulting their hearts.
The words are read over once aloof
Oh bla oh bore such useless waste of time.

Will days/months/years pass by
Before their meaning is known
Those words doth linger
When Memory serves to recall
Did you catch that?
Did you receive anything at all?

Great minds will fail
Not consulting with their counter part the heart.

~S.M.S

I war with myself to stave you my wrath.
For kindness to be deemed weakness
None other followed my tedious path
Judgement warrants retribution
Of the careless or deliberate actions
Your vanity and pride can not love purity and innocence
Rule over them and put them away
Any mercy or grace will not come from me.
I speak for myself
When I say
I would rather see you down on your knees
Humbled by the reality of your needs
I would laugh at your desperate pleas
Just as you have laughed at me
Although it is not my place and I can not say what you deserve
I know you will get what you are worth

~S.M.S

You tried to hide me.
You attempted to dim me.
You even endeavored to vanquish me.
You don't know my origin.
You thought you were god!?
You are nothing more than an empty shell tossed to the wastebin only to hit and miss.
Your life is spent on the ground
Meant to collect dirt, diseases, and infections.
As long as you are apart from light you will bring your own demise.
The desolation you see around you is only a glimpse of the deprivation, decay, and decomposition hungrily growing and drawing towards you.
Held back and restricted by the innocence and purity of a precious child. Through the grace and mercy of a forgiving compassionate heart the wrath and stench of death is subsided and contained.
The time is soon at hand to make a choice.
Whether you'll seek a different way or continue in your blind dismay.

~S.M.S

I told you how I chose you
you rejected all but a piece of me

I share an extension of my life force
you run away as if I am the one that couldn't be trusted
It's true that we are one in her
Conflicting views on what's best
Will literally tear our baby apart

I asked "do you want me to love you?"
Reply already! Answer clearly!
Stop this "an US right now would complicate things."

Don't call me baby
Don't say I'm yours
Don't you dare pretend to own me
When you can't even take interest in the rest of me.

I'm not caressed by your empty words.
I'm not comforted by your fleeting groping.
I'm not blind to your deception and slight of hand.
In, through, and after all that why would I want to love you?

The only answer I return to is this:
I have been given eyes to see

See pass your flaws and weaknesses
See pass your insecurities and smoke screens
See pass your failures and attempts
See pass what isn't really you

I've been given eyes to see
And what I've seen I love wholeheartedly
If only you too could have eyes to see.

~S.M.S

She wore all black on occasions
When the mourning and grief felt inside had to be shown outwards
Cares and concerns not her own
Rivers of the burdens of silent tears and prayers
The blood of the innocent cries out to the hearts and minds of those that know more than they say
The struggle is real somewhere else your struggle is a matter of choices
Go ahead and numb your pain since it's too much for you to handle
Working towards changing for the better.
Little do you know that it can't be found inside of you.
She wore all black on occasions
To show her respects for the dead and the living who hadn't yet realized how dead they are.

Wall one: Lack of trust
How can I tell someone anything when I see that they aren't really listening?
Wall two: Anxiety
The tiniest bit of worry paralyzes me.
Wall three: Pain/dissapointments/failure
This is where I cry my heart out.
Wall four: Doubt
Doubt trumps them all taking my motivation.

The good thing about walls though is that there is a floor or ground and there is a ceiling or opening.

Beneath the walls is my foundation which is Love. I can rise knowing that love is beneath me.
Above me is hope. I can reach out to a helping hand or I can climb out on my own, because inside me is peace, joy, belief, and faith.

~S.M.S

I refuse:
To lay in bed with tears streaming down my cheeks like rivers of pain from shame.
To allow anyone else to put their hands on me and use their strength to over power me.
To allow my kindness to look over the pain constantly brought to me when I give in.
To allow my insecurity and low self-esteem to control my actions and ruin any good that comes my way.
To give up my life as in my existence so that someone else's evil can continue on.
I refuse to go on that way!
I refuse:
To die because of the pain I feel from loss everyday.
To be a coward.
To forget who I am.

~S.M.S

The drive was a little over four hours. Halfway there I could tell she was getting tired.

"Are you ready to go see your daddy Jay?" "Yes!" She replied, wearing a big smile. Next thing I know she's passed out.

The rest of the drive wore thin and I was nervous. We made it into town right around the time I said we would.

Looking for his house i was confused a little by the numbers on the houses but I found it soon enough. Pulling into the driveway my stomach turned over. I put the car in park and just sat there for a little while. Unsure if anyone was home I put it in reverse to leave and come back later. As I started to drive forward there he was standing at the door. I parked in front of the house then and said, "look jay, there's your daddy." She exclaimed, "Daddy!"

He came and picked her up out of her carseat, carrying her back up to the house. Unfortunately for me, I was parked in a no parking zone and needed to move my car so I missed the look his face had made. I wonder if he smiled or if he cringed. I'll never know.

What was once a mundane physical aspect of being human and part animal to relieve the body and mind of stress and toxins has become a movement that is unfathomable.

We work on so many levels
You work laboriously; always going during the day
I work my brain and emotions mostly
It's all taxing on our bodies
You're tired
I'm tired
We work on so many levels
Massaging each others sore muscles
Cooking each other meals
Cleaning up with and for each other
We work on so many levels
It's more than a touch, a whisper
More than a kiss, a lay
It's a vibration
It's a frequency
When our bodies touch our souls take hold
I can hear a melody in the breaths we take and the kisses we make
accompanied by the harmony of our heart beats

I sensed this all last night
as you massaged my legs, back, and arms
fully clothed I felt completely naked
with no scars or blemishes I've earned in this life
Perfectly whole as we were one
This must be what intimacy feels like on a grand scale

Like a Sensational Orchestra

How is it that I can dream
Fill my heart and mind with thoughts
so alluring and grand that my whole
world changes in an instant

I accept when feelings are not mutual
All feelings are powerful but also uncertain
They cannot be obtained by any ritual
They cannot be veiled long behind a curtain

They come and ago in the moment
Or they linger for a season
But we can't have something just because we want it
We get what we give for a reason

When the initial feelings of excitement,
Wonder, awe, and infatuation have subsided
I am able to be more benevolent
In my own joy and peace I have resided

In the few instances I have fallen in love
Although the others did not feel the same
Through hurt and pain I had to rise above
To prove to myself that I am no ordinary dame

I had to let them go and let them be
I will love them all for as long as I live
But I could not hold them back I had to set them free
So that not only I but they also can live

I hold out in hope that one day the love I give will return to me
and until then that I will be able to see all those who love like me.

~S.M.S

Dear Number 1 fans,
I have learned a lot from you
Not only from what you say
But also from what you do
I know that it will all be okay

I may not have shown it the best
I've hurt you more than I meant
And now all I want is for you to find rest
After all the times you've bent

I cannot express with mere words
The respect and love I have for you
I'm sorry it has taken so long to see the rewards
Making you hold your breath until you're blue

Please forgive me for all that I've done
You have always been there
When I lost or when I won
You always showed me that you care

I hope I can return to you two-fold
Because all that you've given me
Is more precious than jewels and gold
You have taught me how to be free

Free to love forgive and to heal
I love you Always Forever
learning how to get through and just deal
near and far closer together

From your number 1 fan,
your daughter.

~S.M.S

Sitting by the window
I can see the multitudes pass by
Some stand out with the way they glow
I wonder how they got this way when I just want to die

People in the room get called by name
I just sit and continue to watch outside
They walk as if they have no shame
I wonder when all I've done is cried

An elderly lady comes and sits by me
I turn my head to discourage coversation
It doesn't work. She's one of the merry
I hold my tongue and pretend not to listen.

She begins by saying, "What they have; you can have to."
What does she think I want?
"There's someone waiting just for you."
C'mon lady you're just another nut.

"He's knocking at your door. Will you let Him in?"
I turn around to answer her.
She's gone. I feel a stirring from within.
I wonder who could possibly knocking at my door?

At home, I sit alone on the couch.
A tap tap tap at the door.
I go to see who's there with the demeaner of a grouch.
I go to open the door.

The most beautiful being I've ever seen.
"Who are you?" I say.
He replies "I've been waiting for you to let me in."
I wonder, could this be? No way!

Please come in, come and stay with me.
It's You that i've been missing.
Lord please forgive me.
I did not realize what I had been doing

"I forgive you dear child your sins have been forgotten."

....to be continued

~S.M.S

I stumbled into you like a drunk. lost and disoriented i held onto you. Sobered i cudnt let you go. Recovered id be lost without you.

~S.M.S

Could I live with out you
Is there any other way
Somehow stored up to accrue
Save you for a rainy day

When breaths are tight and shallow
They're barely coming in
Days when it's hard to swallow
The thoughts that never end

Or maybe I can use you
when I can't catch a breath
because I'm "craughing" and turning blue
laughing and crying forgetting to breathe

Can I hold you for as long as I want
Discharge you of your duties while I sleep
and slowly drag you when I'm ready to hunt
May I not lose control when I weep

Breath. How is it that you sustain
Yet you can also be deprived
What else must you gain
So that you can thrive

Why do you keep leaving me curled up gasping and crying? Where have you gone that you cannot move freely through me as you did before? I miss you breath. I need you. I feel worn out and exhausted after 8 hours of sleep. It's not the same it's like an imitation that has expired and if it's my airways that are too small I won't make it unless I have the real thing. A breath of fresh air to save me from this nightmare that has taken hold. Come soon I don't know how much longer this imitation will hold.

~S.M.S

When you look at me
there is nothing else I can see
but those soft blue pools
their own gravity pulls

I am transfixed by your look
that first glance is all it took
you brought me in with your gaze
now I am under a haze

I answered your quiet call
I came and gave you my all
Wrapped up in your hold
Feeling more precious than gold

But I cannot comprehend
How it all feels like pretend
Please don’t let this be a dream
Don’t let this be a recurring theme

Come for me; I’m ready
Make me vulnerable and unsteady
I want to be lost until sunrise
Lost in the blue eyes mesmerize

~S.M.S

You try to control me with my desires
It's not going to work
You try to manipulate my kindness
I know you lie well
I don't need your approval
I don't need your opinion
I know who I am
I know my worth
I control my happiness
I do what I want for me and no one else
On my own; in all my faults and glory
I am completely me

~S.M.S

normally the weather outside stays outside
but today it effects me like an ocean tide
seeing the fog at 7:53am
everything sensed became bland

once the cold kicked in and the ice ascended
the warmth inside rescended
a day i wished to be left alone
could not be acquired because of my own

three of them calling for undivided attention
the two oldest in constant dissension
oh the noise of it all
slowly boiling in my veins as a crawl

anger rising tattle by tattle
body still but beginning to rattle
i tell them to leave each other alone
i tell them to leave me alone

the weather outside
has found its way inside
i am cold and brittle
i feel so little

- S.M.S

I chose to be with you that night because I was lonely.
I missed the feeling of arms around me.
I chose to come around as long as you would see me.
I missed you at first almost desparately.

Dealing with everything in the beginning and even now is not easy
I don't know what to say or what not to say
Continuelly processing excitement, pain, and fear
Mostly just needing a listening a ear

Is it so crazy that I would be drawn to you?
We  have a lot of the same likes, such as and not limited to the color blue.
You are new to me as I am to you.
When we first met what you knew of me was not completely true.

There are so many feelings, emotions, and questions to be sorted through.
What I have said to you I will try my best to prove.
Great things to learn about each other.
I can honestly say that I choose going through this with you and no other.

You are worth a fight not only because of the importance of your presence in my life,
But you are important for who you are.
You belong here just as much as anyone else. Don't give up because of the strife.
Let me into your world and I will never be far.

I choose you now and for as long as I can endure.
No need for games or charm to allure.
You can choose me if you like, I'm here to stay
I'll be here even if you go away

I'm sorry for the pain that has befallen you
I know I can't fix it and I won't try
When you're ready to let it go...I'll be ready with the super glue
We can mend each other's wounds and broken parts alright

I am afraid but I am willing to see this through to the end
You are now and will forever be my friend
Here's my key just as long as you get to know more
Then you can decide whether or not to unlock the door

As long as we hold onto the words we have spoken
We can be loyal even while we are broken
I will do my best to show you kindness and respect
Hoping you will see that I'm trying to be circumspect

I do not love you so much right now
it is also too early to throw in the towel
This child, these thoughts, these decisions
This life is between you and me

- S.M.S

why do i even bother to ask
why i do i even care
just a mindless task
when i honestly dont want to care


why can't i just let it go
keep all the rejection away
and let the hope flow
save it for a rainy day


why do you stay on my mind
make me fall to my knees at the drop of a dime
leave me alone today
bring me back tomorrow to repay


how do i free myself from these chains
i've created on my own and i dont even know how
waking every hour to the screams of the trains
i want to be done with it. i want it to be over now


i want to be able to move on
but i keep coming back here
sooner than later all that i have left will be gone
you'll be laughing the whole time just sitting there

all in all it just makes me sad
:(
- S.M.S

Did you know: I loved you when I never said it?
how much you meant to me?
I would have stayed?
how much it hurt to let go and walk away?


what I was going to say before I said it?
that I still want to be with you?
that if you asked me to come back I would?
that there could be someone else?


Do you know that I would think of you when I'm with them?
Did you know I dream about you often?
Did you know most of the dreams I've had have come true?
Did you know any of this? Does it matter?

- S.M.S

It's a series of back and forth
The way we are the way we move
I've never experienced anything like it on this earth
It's better than the best available *****


If I had chosen not to give birth
Well that wouldn't happen; because I highly disaprove
Abortion would have left a hole deep in my girth
And that is not something I want to try and prove


We have *** like its going out of style
Masking our emotions so we can get by
Yet all it is doing is fueling our denial
So afraid of fully letting go; I wonder why


Making the best of what I'm given
Sometimes falling into the oblivion
Losing hope in the life I'm living
Feeling the sting of the desert scorpion


If only to be numb from the sensory
It overwhelms me when I think too much
I need to compartmentalize all my registry
Stop looking for a way out; stop finding that crutch

- S.M.S

I like to explore with you
Do things I wouldn't normally do
Draw pictures on your wall
With you I don't feel so small

We paint pictures together of who we really are
Only seeing a little glimpse so far
You try to figure me out
When I constantly change, you start to pout

I accept you as the person you portray
Only wanting to know you more; either way
I won't say I love you because you won't accept it
But I will show you and live with no regret

To some people I am who I seem to be
To others I am however they have made me
When I am with you I am who I am
Even on those days I close up like a clam

No bravado, no charades, no mixed signals
Just who I am, a person single
I don't play games, but I may fuss
If you hurt me I may even cuss

My heart is torn in bits and pieces
But when I am with you the pain seizes
I come and go at my leisure
I tend to be a teaser

If not for you my world would be a mess
My life would be in duress
Without you I would turn to a dark shade of blue
I am so thankful for who I am when I'm with you

- S.M.S