I grasped your hand tight for the shortest moment,
But it seemed an eternity; a promise, a future,
And in that moment, when I was safe, so secure,
You gripped my hand back, and I felt content.

I fell, like a shooting star that's lost its hold on reality,
A star that shines bright in its fiery descent, burning,
Falling so often feels the same as flying,
For in that moment you held my heart; you held me.

I'm overwhelmed and overflowing,
I am happy but it is not enough,
My chest constricts with coloured pain,
I move forward but I'm drowning,
I curl up on myself and cower,
So unlike everyone else,
Or maybe just too much of the same,
My high notes don't have your power.

If I scream with this intensity,
A tight ball that will never let go,
Despite everything I once said,
Would anyone ever hear me,
A senseless, worthless hypocrite,
Who pretends she has a destiny,
That she doesn't walk that abyss,
Who's soul is just a black pit?

A sound of truth, of sense and of self,
An orchestra that fills the black void,
A meandering melody of wealth,
What does a word mean to you?

A rushing river that cuts through the earth,
A vast lake of deep unknown power,
An ocean of unstoppable, infallible surf,
What does a word mean to you?

The whisper and phrase of a mother's love,
Heard for the first time with a child's ear?
Or the music from stars twinkling above,
Their beauty and song ringing out clear?
What does a word mean to you?

The pain of internal biting and bleeding,
Teeth cut like knives with a barbed tongue,
Neither melody nor starlight worth hearing,
Is that what a word means?

The brutality of rash reflective thinking,
Teeth honed to points, a mouth like a cavern,
No song nor water nor love worth hearing,
Is that what a word is means to *me?

Breathe in deeply,
an inhale to sustain life everlasting,
then submerge beneath rolling waves,
drifting like a feather on a breeze,
to cleanse a heart, a soul.
Relax,
release,
pressure washing away,
waves rising and falling,
water flowing by,
a babbling brook silenced,
flushing out fears.
Tokens of pain,
once heavy ballasts,
now feather-light,
rise to the surface,
recognised,
remembered,
understood –
let go.
They float away,
carried by ceaseless currents,
going,
going,
gone.
These waters are beautiful,
swirling pools of blues and greens,
ice cold and unreachable,
warm like a fire on a bitter winter's night,
reflection of purity and cleansing,
a looking glass.
These waters are ethereal,
they are treacherous,
dangerous,
uncontrollable.
But this is life, my life,
unknown,
unexpected,
electrifying,
exhilarating.
I surface slowly,
new like the first winter's snow,
taking one step, then two,
running,
leaping,
loving you.

I stared into these eyes,
Deep blue, true blue, your blue,
But I saw it wasn't you.
I listened to this voice, to this laugh,
I laughed too,
But I heard it wasn't you.
I touched this body,
I hugged and held,
But I found it wasn't you.
Do you love me or hate me?
I wish I knew.
Do I love you or hate you?
Both are true.
Did I hurt you?
Will you hurt me?
These hands want to hold,
This skin wants to feel,
These lips want to kiss,
But my heart is cold.
I don't love you because I don't trust you,
Yet I need you, need you to wait,
My heart might open,
Open softly, slowly, carefully,
Because I was made to love,
Despite my hate, my pain,
My past, my scars.
Made to hold, to touch, to kiss,
To listen,
To love, to love.

The waves rise up over me,
Pushing, shoving,
I can't feel anymore,
Living, breathing,
I am scared.

The waters wash over me,
Caressing, cradling,
I want to feel more,
Touching, loving,
I am scared.

Your hands are these waves,
Your eyes are these waters,
And I am drowning,
And I am scared.

Time stops, stands still
As I await in darkness
Swallowing the pain, the pills
Waiting until I feel less

Feeling so lost and alone
Drowning everything out
I drink, disgusted, on my own
Too much after this drought

The pain, the fear, the hate
Tears streaming, too much to bear
Carrying this ballast, this weight
I damage myself so I disappear.

I could pretend to be happier
And not need a crutch
But that would be lying
And it would hurt far too much.

I could pretend not to need comfort
As much as I really do
But are my best friend
And I am lost without you.

I could pretend I don't watch it
And talk a lot less
About that thing that I love
But that would make me a mess.

I could pretend I'm not empty
But then I'd be alone
And to be brutally honest
I don't want to be on my own.

I could pretend to be less selfish
And share you with everyone else
But I need you more
And want you for myself.

I could pretend to be more sincere
Talking about love after his dare
Because I really am that selfish
But I really, really care.

I could pretend that I love the world
Just as much as you do
But that's why I listen
Because you always remind me to.

I could pretend that I don't love you
But that would be a lie
Because I want you as my best friend forever
And never have to say goodbye.

"You are worth nothing."
Chirping along loudly, painfully loudly,
Laughing and giggling almost hysterically,
Hoping and praying no one can see me.

"You don't deserve anything."
Images of exploding feathers floating by,
Sawed-off shotguns bucking with a war-like cry,
Hiding so obviously anyone can see me try.

"You must be punished."
Chocolate and sugar seems to work best,
The weight in my stomach replacing the one in my chest,
My heart mercifully numb until it joins all the rest.

"You could never be loved."
No longer chirpy except in my head,
Two voices battling - one black and one red,
Losing myself in ways that I always dread.

I hate living like this,
Falling into my endless abyss,
Gorging myself on a sickening bliss.

I pretend that no one will look,
Even though my face is an open book,
And I feel like a worthless crook.

I allow myself to dream and hope,
Knowing that I will never be able to cope,
I'd have better chances ******* the Pope.

I try pretend not to hear these things,
Still aware they're destroying my wings,
While in my head it grates and it rings.

Could I sew up my ears?
Could I tear up my fears?
Would I want to since it's me
And I could never be free?

It always whispers, as a final parting gift
*****
And with closed eyes I am finally set adrift.

Reality becomes soft and malleable
when it is an unhealthy one

and imagination is the steel core
which keeps everything from falling apart,

but obsession can turn both on their heads
so that feeling means falling and failing

and lying in the mud, gorging
on shame and hate and filth

while he descends gently, that face compassionate,
those piercing blue eyes deep with innocence

yet so ancient and powerful that the world
shifts and his wings encompass everything

slowly, so slowly and it's beautiful
his love, his soul, this heavenly host

but heads look up and hands cradle
instruments that change perceptions

and there is no air, only life
which shifts and slides and melts

so that vision blurs and sight
becomes not what is seen but what is imagined,

where time slows down or disappears
or doesn't exist so it cannot hurt

and two different lenses click into place,
while there is no sleep, no outside, only

this and him, where nothing is certain and
everything is real or imagined or an obsession

yet he is terrifyingly close, too close but
no one could ever say no, even the unworthy and

suddenly everything is hot and demanding,
heavenly yet so far beyond the boundaries,

where words become life and love,
where language gives birth to fantasies,

illusions of chapped lips and a beige trench coat,
of forgiveness, doubt and those eyes

that sear the soul, and ******* and save
all together and all at once,

while music plays, choirs sing and
voices try to talk to someone but they cannot hear

because they have gone with him and
he shall raise them from perdition.

Even the perfect ones with their golden halos
with their blessed brains, hands, heart,
cannot reach their own perfection
like stars reaching towards the unknown universe
towards a completeness of self, of perfection;
even she cannot outrun, outpunch reality.
So these precious perfect ones whose
dreams are so high they reach the sparkling heavens
can only fall to the ground with a thunderous
crash of despairing disappointment-
their hopes were too high, too close to God they were
so high, so perfect – but I am here.
My precious, precious perfect one,
the burden you bear is heavy, each pebble a stone,
let me help you carry it, let me
share your dreams and hopes, your perfect perfection,
for when you outshine the heavens
a glorious glittering star, I want to say
"There soars my precious perfect one
whose perfection lies in her imperfections,
see how my precious perfect one shines."

Doucement, doucement,
il pleut de neige
un tapis blanc,
engourdissement
ma peau,
mes lèvres,
ma coeur.

Lentement, lentement,
je suis entourré,
je suis enterré
par la beauté.

The treatment of this
is a cold hard kiss,
a stinging slap in the face,
a blistering edge to trace.
Making no difficult decisions,
full of suppressing suspicions,
answers no longer there
even when stripped bare,
even though this weighs stones,
flabby, fatty flesh on bones.
The sun goes down
and smooth faces frown.
This whole existence
is not much more than a pittance,
crimes committed till the lights go out.
Then hidden under the covers there is nothing but doubt.

Earth turning, people changing -
Growing up.
Loss of innocence, purity
Childhood disappearing, gone forever.
Where is the safety net?
SUPRISE!
Shock, disbelief, horror -
No, no,
Go back, go back!
Colours bleeding, shapes scattering,
The present has broken down.
Can't cope, can't cope
Must go back to yesterday.
A whisper, a whimper, a shout -
An anguished cry:
"NO!
We're too young!"
Whirling imagination,
Shrinking away.
Screams echo through minds' passages,
Not enough space.
Walls closing in,
Not enough time.
Can't hide - trapped!
Rivers of tears,
Cowering, defenseless youth.
Can't escape, life is coming -
It's already here.
Terror, red and raw,
A roar with howling winds,
Stripped bare
Nothing but bones.
Teeth cut ****** ribbons,
Emotions bubbling, boiling, escaping -
FEAR!
Fear and a flash of flesh.

Not a new world,
Just a new hell.

I am not alone,
I am but one
Of close-knit family
Made up of brilliant souls,
White and light
Nothing but joy
Harmless and beautiful
Why are we crushed?
Left bleeding silver silk,
Left crying crystals.
But our bodies heal
While these souls,
Orbs of innocence and purity,
Never do.
We are but children
On this old, old earth,
The ever-loving, ever-turning parent,
For no time at all.
So why spoil it
With ugliness,
Lies, hurt, blood,
Wounds that are seen and
Wounds that are not.
I am not alone
And neither are you.
We are family,
We are one,
And I love you all.

Taken by love and the grave,
The tears always save
These small, separate worlds.

Taken by time and games,
Photographs with gilt frames
Turn memories into gold.

Taken by rain and the skies,
Songs are word to the unwise
That caution never wins.

Taken by beauty and sin,
Walls are built to let no one in
This small cave.

Taken by pain and loss,
Love is nailed to the cross
And left alone.

Taken by lust and despair,
Hearts cannot repair
The damage of floods.

Taken by you,
I scream 'til my lips turn blue
Because you never really looked.

Couples swirling all around me,
Twirling and gliding,
Pale gowns glittering –
My isolation lasts an eternity.
Caged in the centre of this circle,
I can only gaze,
At this shimmering haze –
Splashes of love made purple.
Straining to be free,
The diamond sparkle isn't real,
Their eyes don't reflect how I feel –
The curtain falls away and I can see.

She went away forever today
Far from her home
Her family left all alone
And she passed through fields of grey
The rivers of joy now run dry
The tears of sorrow flowing free
The ocean of grief as far as the eye can see
Her coffin is carried on the currents far away
We lowered her into the cold, hard ground
Her remembered smiles leave a lingering trace
Of a never-ending love so easy to place
A sense of solace is now shared, now found.

A tapestry of my life
Full of suffering and strife,

Of love and kisses
And the best kind of wishes.

Threads of blacks and blues –
A rainbow of multi-coloured hues.

A thread is the only staple
And completely incapable

Of describing this world, these emotions –
All the tossing inner oceans.

The ****** and crinkle of tinsel-wrapped trinkets,
The colour of the rainbow, caressing the cataracts
Of milky sightless eyes.
Trinkets that glisten and glimmer,
Shining with promises of sweet delight.
****** aromas of vanilla and cinnamon,
Forever false, forever deceitful.
Molten chocolate, flowing and folding,
Fills the mouth with its delectable lusciousness
But it is nothing ashes.
And these ashes fill the mind and body
With doubts and fears and disgust,
Crippling, desensitizing,
Leaving the soul empty, a void.
Still the wrappers build up around me.

A black hole uninhabited by the living.

A spiral, a hurricane, a tornado: a death.
A loss of everything, a void devoid of light,
A sense of falling permeates the hole
Yet all is still unmoving, unchanging.

I wrote a poem today,
Expressing fears, doubts unhappiness.
Strange that these words never
Leap from page to mouth,
Even among the closest friends.
In the wide universe, the grand expanse of time,
The life we live with 6 billion seeking souls;
Can I really call myself alone?

Do you see me,
Or look right through me?
Am I your looking glass,
Your only way to see better grass?

I feel so used
Completely abused.
You are alone,
I am forever on my own.

You ask for sympathy
Aware of my over-flowing empathy.
You cannot see past your face.
How would you fell if you took my place?

But just as one predicted,
I am hopelessly addicted.
I can't let go of this pain
All of this has been in vain.

Who ever said love
Was a gentle as a dove
Never heard your voice
And always had a choice.

It breathes.
The centre is a heart, beating, pulsing, living.
I cannot find my way.

It shifts.
The movement confuses me, bending, twisting, changing.
My mind is uncertain.

It deceives.
I search because I am lost,
I am lost because I search.

To find what?

Myself.

My soul and my identity are calling, beckoning, luring.
I am afraid of what I will find.

The helping hands.
One my sage, the other my compatriot, smiling, listening, encouraging.

I know I must walk alone.
It knows.

For I am the maze,
And the maze is me.

Those words,
sent by a tall forest of
briars,
from eyes dull and
empty,
carve out a caricature of my
heart.
How easy it is to laugh at the
pain,
now humorous and seemingly benign.
My sides split open and my
once pure red heart
crashes
broken to the ground, scattering
future promises and dreams.
Yes, how laughable my pain is.