I grasped your hand tight for the shortest moment,
But it seemed an eternity; a promise, a future,
And in that moment, when I was safe, so secure,
You gripped my hand back, and I felt content.

I fell, like a shooting star that's lost its hold on reality,
A star that shines bright in its fiery descent, burning,
Falling so often feels the same as flying,
For in that moment you held my heart; you held me.

I'm overwhelmed and overflowing,
I am happy but it is not enough,
My chest constricts with coloured pain,
I move forward but I'm drowning,
I curl up on myself and cower,
So unlike everyone else,
Or maybe just too much of the same,
My high notes don't have your power.

If I scream with this intensity,
A tight ball that will never let go,
Despite everything I once said,
Would anyone ever hear me,
A senseless, worthless hypocrite,
Who pretends she has a destiny,
That she doesn't walk that abyss,
Who's soul is just a black pit?

A sound of truth, of sense and of self,
An orchestra that fills the black void,
A meandering melody of wealth,
What does a word mean to you?

A rushing river that cuts through the earth,
A vast lake of deep unknown power,
An ocean of unstoppable, infallible surf,
What does a word mean to you?

The whisper and phrase of a mother's love,
Heard for the first time with a child's ear?
Or the music from stars twinkling above,
Their beauty and song ringing out clear?
What does a word mean to you?

The pain of internal biting and bleeding,
Teeth cut like knives with a barbed tongue,
Neither melody nor starlight worth hearing,
Is that what a word means?

The brutality of rash reflective thinking,
Teeth honed to points, a mouth like a cavern,
No song nor water nor love worth hearing,
Is that what a word is means to *me?

Breathe in deeply,
an inhale to sustain life everlasting,
then submerge beneath rolling waves,
drifting like a feather on a breeze,
to cleanse a heart, a soul.
Relax,
release,
pressure washing away,
waves rising and falling,
water flowing by,
a babbling brook silenced,
flushing out fears.
Tokens of pain,
once heavy ballasts,
now feather-light,
rise to the surface,
recognised,
remembered,
understood –
let go.
They float away,
carried by ceaseless currents,
going,
going,
gone.
These waters are beautiful,
swirling pools of blues and greens,
ice cold and unreachable,
warm like a fire on a bitter winter's night,
reflection of purity and cleansing,
a looking glass.
These waters are ethereal,
they are treacherous,
dangerous,
uncontrollable.
But this is life, my life,
unknown,
unexpected,
electrifying,
exhilarating.
I surface slowly,
new like the first winter's snow,
taking one step, then two,
running,
leaping,
loving you.

I stared into these eyes,
Deep blue, true blue, your blue,
But I saw it wasn't you.
I listened to this voice, to this laugh,
I laughed too,
But I heard it wasn't you.
I touched this body,
I hugged and held,
But I found it wasn't you.
Do you love me or hate me?
I wish I knew.
Do I love you or hate you?
Both are true.
Did I hurt you?
Will you hurt me?
These hands want to hold,
This skin wants to feel,
These lips want to kiss,
But my heart is cold.
I don't love you because I don't trust you,
Yet I need you, need you to wait,
My heart might open,
Open softly, slowly, carefully,
Because I was made to love,
Despite my hate, my pain,
My past, my scars.
Made to hold, to touch, to kiss,
To listen,
To love, to love.

The waves rise up over me,
Pushing, shoving,
I can't feel anymore,
Living, breathing,
I am scared.

The waters wash over me,
Caressing, cradling,
I want to feel more,
Touching, loving,
I am scared.

Your hands are these waves,
Your eyes are these waters,
And I am drowning,
And I am scared.