this is the first night
i have felt alive in a long, long time
we are burning our insides
and i swear,
it isn't love,
i promise
i've just got open eyes
corrupted lungs
and you have this way
of letting things
tumble out of your mouth
that should have
stayed inside

some sins are not worth it.
anger is one of them.

if i was the one crashing through
burning buildings,
he was the one with the matches
and the lighter fluid
calling it brandy

and drinking it down

leaving us with nothing
but ashes.

you twist my guts over
wring them in between
your hands like wet laundry
spinning them with joy
and dread

i miss your steel guitar and your star crossed heart
but i can never look at you the same again.

how you laughed when you heard the news
rationalizing
he isn’t dead just in
a different room

and for six years you fabricated business trips
made your life busy
he walks out and you walk in
too many just-missed-hims to count

until

one night your wall falls down, and six years
worth of tears push their way out of your eyes
he really was dead all this time
he really was dead all this time
he really was dead
he really is dead

reality hits you hard, a kick to the throat,
a low punch to the stomach
so you curl up smaller
and smaller
until you feel you may disappear.

i tear at my hair as if
thoughts of you

are connected to the roots and god
******, i want you out

i wanted you to
get the **** out

but you wanted your way
and you were going
to have it if that meant

ripped clothes and
tattered innocence

i might be turning into my mother.

after all,
i have her straight nose
and her broad bones
her stubbornness to
hold on to the truths you know
and the lies you don't.

i might be turning into my father.

after all,
i have his brown eyes
and his quick mind
his readiness to
leave things behind and *let the road
unfold like twine.