my past reeks
of insecurities &
damage
broken people &
constant echoes

my better half
was in fact
the missing pieces
I found within
myself content  

something about
his hands
made me believe
he could hold my whole life
he did

he didn't drop
instead squeezed
held it to his mouth &
screamed

broken
into
tiny
pieces


thrown to the ground
I searched
end of every straw
inside of any pill
sheets of strange beds

he may still be holding
and I slowly
drowning
find me at your local cemetery

your eyes are like rivers
under faded layers of algae, I'll uncover my ocean blue
along my spine they grant shivers
how could I ever find another you?

your touch is lightening
sending jolts through my being right from the tips of your fingers
it's really quite frightening,
after all this time, how could this feeling still linger?

your smile is my moon & sun  
gloom of night or cheer of day, it's all I ever see
but I feel that I've truly won
when I'm convinced it's only for me


your laugh is my favourite song
I could hear it on repeat for the rest of my time
do you think you'll keep me around for long?
wouldn't want you anything but mine

I don't expect you to understand
You don't know what it feels like
I sometimes think I've absolutely lost it
Like every atom in my brain is exploding
& the particles of my skin are falling away
My blood is turning colder &
The creatures I've hidden beneath my flesh are escaping
This is not me
I am not me
I am every monster from my past

I remember the first time I saw your striking blue eyes.
You were walking past me and for some reason our eyes met.
My awkward hazel met your beautiful ocean blue.
Usually I am afraid of meeting eyes, but for the life of me I couldn't look away.

I remember looking at your eyes while you laughed with your friends, mocking me for something I had done.
For some reason, I was still in love with your beautiful ocean blues.

I remember dancing.
I remember looking over and there you were with your beautiful blue eyes.
Even though nothing could get your attention off the bass, the dancing and the powder running down your sinuses and the pills dissolving in your stomach,for some reason, you couldn't keep your beautiful ocean blues off of me.

This time, the tables had turned.
It was you longing for my awkward hazels, and me acting oblivious to your beautiful ocean blues.
As if they didn't make my heart race and my knees tremble everytime I got a glimpse of them.

But soon you will forget my awkward hazels, and I will be left longing for your beautiful ocean blues.
- 4 / 08 / 15 Catherine Roussouw