Rarely do i run from vulnerability.
Pulling heart strings is like pulling teeth in others.
They wince at the thought,
But its never as bad as it seems & ultimately they're left with relief.

I see that you're depleated,
Years of colors bleeding has left you in a gray wash.
I splash beautiful spectrums here and there, they adorn you vibrantly for a moment before fading away.
I see the same spark in your eyes, come and go.
A fire that burns wild before self snuffing.
You ache to rekindle the flame,
if only for a moment,
Spreading wildfires.
Burning everthing in your path until theres nothing left but ashes.

I often lose myself in a simple moment,
Surrendering to the universe, merging into one,
The one we have always been.
The one we will always will be.
Sometimes we build walls,
Walls that only exist in the construct of our minds..
An illusion of seperation.
Seperating us from our true selves,
From eachother,
From all that is,
Vibration..
Tap into the frequency,
We rise and fall..
What wave length are you on?
   Nothing but transmitters and recievers sharing information within a cosmic web.
Weave wisely.

I'm just a simple girl,
-like quantum physics.
My composure stays as steady as a hurricane.
I am the eye.
Wreeking havvock on my surrounding,
It comes naturally.
And in the after math i am the sunshine that peeks through the clouds, kissing you on the cheek.
We are one,
Energetic forces,
Manifesting.
Releasing.
Harm is not what i intend,
Like a tornado,
It takes the proper conditions.
Some day i am water,
A gentle stream,
Ebbing and flowing with my surroundings.
Some i am fire, consuming all that is around me,
To be reborn.

I am cosmic forces, the universe feeling itself.

Eyes wide open,
Mouth sealed shut,
Choking on my own tongue,
Suffocated by words unspoken.
Broken by words uttered,
Utterly misunderstood.

Collaps,
No strength left.
Authenticity unwanted.
Cutting off every rough edge.
I don't want to fit in your box.

Small.
I am not small.
I will stand tall,
larger than life.

One of those nights,
When it's almost impossible to fight the tears.
Everything hits you at once.
& you don't know where to turn, so you stuff your leaky face tight into a pillow , & cling to blankets , as if they will actually hug you back,
The moment of uncertainty &
clarity, that stings something fierce, shaking you up.. knocking you down..

You close your sleepy eyes, longing for some peace.. falling to pieces ,
In a world that ceases, for no one, yet makes way for everyone.
Beautifully bittersweet.

Here's to the Insomniacs,
Deprived of the blissful retreat , to dream sweet.
to the girl, with the anxiety attacks..
Who holds her composure,
When the strength lacks..
To the boys who are ashamed to cry,
Hanging their heads,
  all wondering why..
Why must we feel this way?
Embarking on a battle..
Every single day.
Just hoping for sunshine,
A breath of fresh air,
To help them unwind,
what's life, if not to feel alive?
You deserve to be happy ,
Not deprived..
Please darlings, spread your wings..
& learn to fly.

the flicker of a clipper,
is my calling card,
lighting up,
while i'm falling hard,
impulsively puffing,
passing time,
watching haze clouds,
helps me unwind,
oh ,
& A bottle in hand,
seems to be my latest trend..
an empty bottle,
is my closest friend,
but with each swallow,
i find myself..
feeling more hollow.
3am , & i'm on the floor,
holding on,
but i can't take much more..
these sleepy eyes don't find much rest..
& mother dear, never taught me what's best,
substance abuse was her pride & joy,
functioning insufficiently,
like a broken toy..
now, i'm not trying to play the blame game,
no pity parties here,
i just wish i would have been raised,
out of something other than fear.

a walking canvas,
her body is her story,
memories depicted in ink tone scars,
she wears her heart on her sleeve..
literally.
images commemorate words unspoken.
some figuratively..
ask & she will tell.

anticipation puts her on the edge of her seat,
as the machine comes to life,
never has a vibration been so soothing,
the buzz is her lullaby.
after all.. big girl don't cry,
her therapy is about to begin,
and though some would call it a sin..
she feels this could never be.
pain converted, so beautifully.
" are you ready?"
more ready than I've ever been,
release overwhelms her,
as he tears into the first few layers of skin,
goosebumps dance from head to toe,
easing a troubled mind..
this pain is temporary,
and soon will pass..
unlike other other pains,
the endless shames & heartaches that cut deep,
deeper than a needle ever could..
for awhile, she is at peace,

embracing the rawest form of release,
knowing well,
she will emerge with another chapter,
a mark on the page,
a vibrant imagery, to depict her rage..
this ugly duckling, has never felt more like a swan..
   the buzz of the machine soon dies,
& the walking canvas opens her eyes,
feeling the closest thing to a breath of fresh air..
that's she's felt in a long time,
haze soon accompanies the serenity of the room,
lost souls gather to unwind,
**** some time, & find a gimps of understanding,
a calm, in such a demanding world,
where everyone's quick t point fingers,
with hands that are far from clean..

we are no different than you,
we pick & we choose,
the only difference?
i won't judge you for being bland,
but if you criticize,
i might demand,
a little insight..
what sin helps you sleep at night?

Alice.. down her rabbit hole she goes,
" the way you perceive the world, it's so beautiful.."
- well, how could it not be?
you are here, and this is now.. what's better?
The way you perceive is everything..
it's what you become,
you ARE what you feel.
i enjoy, enjoying the moment..
every raw moment for what it is.
each breath, silky sweet..
don't be afraid to get lost in the moment..
that's what it's about,
finding yourself.
i mean, who are you? Really?
Think back to your childhood,
what did you wish to be?
when your dreams roamed wild,
and your spirit soared free?
I am I,
as you are you..
and we are one.
United we stand , divided we fall.

a bitter sweet symphony,
is being conducted within me,
a melancholic madness,
maddening my mind..
i search in circles,
but can never seem to find,
  this missing piece,
that tears me to pieces,
strings me along,
dancing, when i don't even like the beat..
yet, it's stuck on repeat,
taunting me, awaiting my defeat..
  silly puppet master,
you've got it all wrong,
this is my story,
& i will sing my song.
muffling your voice,
I've decided happiness..
is a choice.

what ever happened to that fearless girl?
all of 3 foot tall..
so much courage,
bundled up into something so small.
ever so naive, this child..
eager eyes,
confine a soul that's yet to be tainted.
a playful smile, effortlessly painted,
upon a flawless face.
ever so ambitious,
abundant with grace..
unfortunately, it's only a matter of time..
until this mask is replaced.
hardship finds this unsuspecting girl..
& whirlwind tears right through her world,
a bittersweet symphony, knocks her off once sturdy feet..
& for the first time,
she feels so incomplete.
lost & alone, with no place to call home.
oh sweet child, there's no such thing as utter defeat..
you have to stand tall,
when everything you once knew..
seems to fall,
and the ground is shaking..
or is that you?

darling, there's two thing you can do..
learn on your way down,
or become so lost, you'll never be found.
no one said it would be easy,
but you've got to learn to fly before you hit the ground..
remember that ambitious child, deep inside,
the fearless dreamer, who would never hide.

the worlds under you feet,
each day, brand new to greet.

i'm sorry,
you cannot understand,
the madness; things left unsaid..
the fortress within my head,
a free spirit, chained down.

after all.. what would somebody do,
with the secret, that is you?
when we are all, just like animals..
just an animal.

in the dustiest corners of your mind..

some pray to god,
she turns the radio up..
every song is like a story,
carrying her away with them,
a listener.. listening and learning.
being a listener, she became friends..
with the silence.
got to know every nook and cranny of every noise,
each reverberation, so vibrantly..
even so vibrant.
she comes to notice;
nobodies talking.. but EVERYONE wants to be heard.
  communication is key.
when everyone's lost in translation..
understanding is everything.

impulse.. impulsive creatures we are..
ever so impulsive.
endlessly needing, yet needing no one?
..and wanting, everything.

Alice.. down her rabbit hole she goes,
" the way you perceive the world, it's so beautiful.."
- well, how could it not be?
you are here, and this is now.. what's better?
The way you perceive is everything..
it's what you become,
you ARE what you feel.
i enjoy, enjoying the moment..
every raw moment for what it is.
each breath, silky sweet..
don't be afraid to get lost in the moment..
that's what it's about,
finding yourself.
i mean, who are you? Really?
Think back to your childhood,
what did you wish to be?
when your dreams roamed wild,
and your spirit soared free?
I am I,
as you are you..
and we are one.
United we stand , divided we fall.