I sat alone another day.
The world was moving all around me,
but it seemed as if my life was in a standstill.
The doctors say its anxiety.
Everyone thinks anxiety means nervousness or fear,
but it is deeper than that.
Anxiety holds you prisoner.
You can't leave your house.

Ding
****
Ding
****

The doorbell rings but I can't answer.
There is too much fear inside.
You can't answer the phone.

Ring
Ring
Ring

"Telephone for you!" my family yells. I
tell them to say that I will call back, but I won't.
You can't eat.

Chomp
Bite
Chew

No, not me. The anxiety
even controls that. All the pain rushes back up with
every little thing I eat.
You can't go out.

Step
Step
Step

Everyone walking around me, but I can't move, the
apprehension paralyses me.
Everyone says, "Be brave. You can do it. You'll make it out of this."
But sometimes I wonder if I will.
I try to combat it all, but if I attempt to do anything,
it all starts over again.

Thump
Thump
Thump

My heart beats faster and faster.
I can feel it in my chest.

Beads of sweat
Racing
Falling
Running down my forehead.
All the thoughts swarm in my brain.
The fear picks up.
It is unbearable.
I'm so frightened, but I don't know what of.
The paranoia sweeps over my body like a giant wave.
Every day I have to fight what seems to be a losing battle.
But then . . . I look outside.
I see the colours.
I see the life.
I see spirit.
I know I can do this.
Hope.
Fight.
Win.

The farm hand huh?
You've been told to back off so many times,
And now she's resulting in full out insults.
And it's clear she's got it as bad as you.
She tells you're no good for him,
That he deserves a princess,
And all the riches and fame,
And you're such a lowly farm girl,
What can you offer a Hero?
And then you start to believe it,
And stop telling her to go away.
And soon she's walking all over you.
Controls you.
And then he's telling you he wants to propose,
And as he starts the name
You're ready to cry
And
He gets down on his knees,
And he's saying four little words
Five syllables.
And you can only imagine her rage.

I sit in my bed,
my sheets pulled up to my nose.
My eyes are wide,
my hands shaking.
Breath is shallow,
sweat beads on my forehead.
I stare at my closet,
my terror growing.
It does not speak,
it does not show.
But I can hear it in there.
It scratches at the door every night.
It wants to come out.
It wants to play.
My heart nearly stops as I hear the door creak.
My closet door opens slowly.
I'm to petrified to cry out as it appears.
It's so.... so.....
Oh my God.
It's coming closer.
Oh... no, wait, no!
All I see is beady red eyes.
And a white fanged smile.
I blinked;
the hallucination disappeared.
My dying thought so clear.
I hate closets.

I swear I'm fine
As I smile and wave goodbye
Blissfully happy and always joyful
I seem so carefree, laughing my day away

But truthfully I'm so lost
Inside this empty shell that I have become
So blind in the darkness
Tainted and broken, alone and confused
Sinking in the sorrow of many mistakes
Uselessly I struggle to gain control

Searching for the pieces of a shattered past
Tears fall down from wounded eyes
So scarred and bitter
As they try to make sense
Of what couldn't last

I swear I'm fine
As I smile and wave hello
Blissfully happy and always joyful
I seem so carefree, laughing my day away

But truthfully I'm so safe
When I stand next to you
Your hand in mine makes me feel so alive
Blinded by the light cast by your smile
Free from the fear by your warm embrace

I need you just to stay alive
Without you I'd rather just lay down and die
So please believe me
As long as we're together
Every day will be better

I swear I'm fine
As I always do
Because it's true
As long as I'm with you

When things start to look up,
They take a downwards spiral
Crashing down
At the speed of light
I thought I was getting better
I thought I was starting to live my life
I thought I was getting over you
I thought, I thought, I thought
Everything becomes clear
When your world comes crashing down
Nothing that you wanted
Works out
Motives become clear
Trying to escape from the life I’m stuck in
Going somewhere else
But it’s no longer an option
It was just an escape
Not something I wanted for me
But something I wanted, to get away
From you
From all the memories
From all the thoughts
From all the feelings
I can no longer get away
It all becomes clear
When your singing along to a song
and break down
For seemingly no reason
I thought I was doing better
I thought I was getting over you
I thought,
But I’m not.

It's just one of those nights
Where the moon still
Makes the sky
Seem so dark
On warm
Autumn crunching
Of the leaves
Under my feet
As I sneak by
A pair of guys
All dressed
In drunken party clothes
Stumbling over
And over
Like the way I
Repeat routine
Waking up clockwork
Of an old machine
That ticks around
Slowly you are making way
To my ten feet wall
Standing too tall
Towering over
Like the chain link fence
Of a school yard
That imprisons our minds
To think too fast
And I'll make a change
That I think will last
By the time I'm older
I'll realize then
That I didn't need to
Make up my mind
Rather make up my bed
The sheets will be tossed
And laying on the ground
From last nights slumber
Where my thoughts were too loud
Constantly being reminded
Of those nights
Where the moon still
Makes the sky
Seem so dark

Once I look acceptable,
I can step into society.
Once i'm sure I look alright,
I can step out to be nothing.
Nothing but fake.
Lying to the people around me.
I don't really mean it.
I do it to protect myself.
I do it to protect my feelings.
To hide my true identity.
To step into society,
and pretend its my reality.

As I look into my father's eyes
and my mother's warm smile,
I can't help but smile myself,
and think of these two

The two whose helping hands
taught me to balance, to walk,
who's bright, kind faces
taught me to smile.

I'm one of the lucky ones,
with a family
stuck together like
peanut butter and jelly.

Sure times get tough,
being a teen,
I get frustrated.
But my family is always there.

No matter what happens,
if I'm injured or
heartbroken,
we all comfort each other.

I work hard to
make those two proud,
I always want them to approve,
and say, "My daughter made the right choices."

I love you, Mom.
I love you, Dad.
And I never, ever,
want you to forget that.

You are next in line.
Do you fear it?
You don't have to lie.
Your time has come,
It's your turn, Unwind
Not fair, you say?
That's the play of life
Yours is not over,
Only divided by the knife.