I stand in the middle of a
Crowded Ballet Studio as you
Pull me, push me, shape me
Into what you
Wish I was.
Pulling my hair out of its
Roots until there’s nothing left
Nothing left of me.

I’m clenching my teeth, my fingernails digging
Digging into my palms.
I’m going to dance, run, write,
Scream
Away from you like
Thunderstorms in Santa Fe.
Sudden, unexpected, unstoppable:
That’s me.

We fought for the 5th time this week.
I don't know what sparked your yelling,
But whatever it was-
It started a raging fire right in between us.
Your searing seething words are meant to be hurtful.
Like the fake apologies of a middle school girl,
They are meant to make me feel guilty.
And the words do hurt- but it's not shame that burns.
Am I horrible? Am I selfish?

We fought for the 10th time this month.
Our tear enducing "conversations" come in like the tide.
When the tide is low, you swallow your anger, your pride
Deep within you, but the waves always roll back in, and
With them comes your disgust- at me, at your own kin.
And you trap me on the shore, and force me to lie there-
Lie there and take your tidal wave words like the ultimately
Helpless, ultimately powerless daughter that I am.

One day we'll wake up, and this will all be over.
The rising seas will quench the raging fires, and
We'll be mother and daughter again.
But until then- you can't even look at me?
Until then- I can't even really speak to you. I talk
But I never speak, you listen but you never hear.
Until then I'll keep going to bed with out knowing what I did,
Keep smiling with sad eyes, because everything is alright.

I'm sorry
That I'm not as strong as a say I am.
I pretend like I'm invincible,
But then I can't look you in the eye
And tell you I love you.

I'm sorry
I was too scared to say I need you too.
That day two years ago still
Makes me cry with regret.
You're the only one, you know.

I'm sorry
That I'm not the perfect girl you deserve.
But maybe, despite everything,
You could take me as I am.
Please tell me that's not too much to ask.

She felt a pang in the pit of her stomach
Like getting punched hard in the gut
Because there was his picture in her newsfeed
Again smiling at the camera like he used to
Smile only for her

Six months, seven months, ten months gone
It's stupid and pointless to miss him.
Like the Ring of Fire he won't be back
In this life time even though she never
Even got a deep look at him

But loath curse love those firsts
Those scars that fade with time
But never totally disappear
Even when no one else can see them
They'll always be there

If I had known that was our last goodbye
I would have made it more dramatic, special
Maybe gazed into your deep blue eyes
And kissed you on the cheek- not the lips.
Lips and lust have no place in separation.

I thought I knew you, my own daughter, you said
But you didn't- you don't know me at all.

I'm an alien in my own house, and
You are just like everyone else-
Afraid of my difference- you hate it.
I'm concerned about what society will think
I don't care, neither should you.
Afraid of my difference- you try to **** it.

I thought I knew you, my own daughter*, you said
But you don't- you never did.

I see you standing there
Staring at the rushing water.
The cement river flowing for the first time
Since last February.
Your clothes are so wet, they’ve become part of your skin
Like an outer shell.

Your life is like
A Hurricane.
The windows are boarded up, but the wind
And water still gets through.
Eyes squeezed shut,
You hug yourself -
Screaming so loud that no one can hear.

Tears stream down your face
They drop down into the grey water-
Tears so big
No one can see them.
Nails that are bitten raw dig
Dig into the railing that’s keeping you on the surface.

Moved to a small white room with no windows
For months and days and years.
Fed only bread and water
Through a tube.
Writing small words on the white sheets
Of your iron bed:
Letmeout.

That I still think about you after all this time.
Six months- has it been six months already?
Six times longer than our time together...
It's not to say that I'm not over you,
I am- have been since the leaves started falling.
We live thousands of miles apart,
It had to end I know that it's just-
Is that all I was to you- a summer fling?
Because you were much more to me:
A lover, a best friend, almost perfect!
And then, it all shattered because of one silent afternoon.

I guess, if I think about it:
It doesn't seem ridiculous after all.

Take a deep breath because it's not her fault
Even though there's no one else to blame,
And I'd rather blame her than anyone else.
Because she's mediocre in every respect.
And the poor deluded *****, she just doesn't see.
She doesn't seem to notice the level of his indifference,
And yet she's taking him away from me.
She doesn't deserve him,
And he shouldn't stoop to her level.
Because he's all she ever talks about,
All she ever thinks about- she's obsessed.
It's crazy, and I wish he'd see that.
Not so that I can have him back, exactly.
It's more-
If I can't have him,
No one can.

I’ll be fine, can’t you tell?
I’m making jokes about it,
So I’ll be fine.
Laugh at me,
Laugh at my jokes, my sarcasm, my stupidity
So that you don’t see
The tears falling down my face.

I’ll torture you if you leave, you know.
I’ll make you worried about me,
Just for fun, just for kicks.
But really so that maybe you’ll come back to me.
Get worried,
Get worried and take me seriously
So that you don’t see
The tears falling down my face.

I forgot my bag upstairs, see you tomorrow.
I’ll make the bus in a second
I’m alright, I’m fine.
I need to be alone for a minute.
See through my disguise,
See through me and stay here with me
So that you can see
The tears falling down my face.

He has lips
That can make a girl's knees
Turn to water
So everyone ignores
The other things about him.

This is not a love letter,
No, it's a letter about your eyes.
Deep and blue like oceans,
Yet warm and smiling
Like the Santa Ana winds.

Never a love letter,
But a letter about your hands.
Big and clumsy,
They fit perfectly around mine, so
I don't need gloves.

I won't write a love letter.
I will write a letter about what you already know:
I'm forever yours, and you
The boy with the Santa Ana eyes,
Are forever mine.

To be sure
Dwelling upon what could have been
But wasn’t, is a waste of energy.
Lately I’ve convinced myself it’s time well spent.
Like Ying and Yang, you and I don’t at first appear to be harmonious,
Yet when linked, we are a calm kind of power.
All those weeks ago,
Those weeks that feel longer than years, yet shorter than days,
I didn’t see it.
Of course not, with evil poisoning our very minds
With it’s young beautiful charms.
Yet, I still blame myself, for that’s the Devil’s greatest trick:
I could have changed it all in an instant,
But I waved and smiled and did nothing at all.
But heart, don’t break: space and time are bent in a circle,
So maybe I’ll get it right next time.

On a lazy winter day that doesn't feel like winter at all
(70 degrees outside, yet the los angelinos are still feeling chilly)
She scrapes the burned cheese off of the griddle
(burns her fingers, but that doesn't matter, not really)
Because that's the best part about making grilled cheese

As she's waiting for the cheese to melt, she picks up her tea mug
(takes a sip, and looks out the kitchen window)
And she's wishing that she could go home
(technically LA is home, but it isn't really, not to her)
Because she's looked for her heart in this city, but she can't find it.

How do I stop my mind from wandering?
Your face imprinted in my memory.
How do I stop my speech from faltering?
You make me nervous when you I see.
I know we are over, but I cannot
Let go. I move through life as if for show.
With out you I think my heart will rot.
The summer heat is fading, close to snow.
One thousand miles between you and I,
And although we are nothing more than friends,
The distance breaks my heart, so I could cry.
I take my glasses off and clean the lens.
It could be that we are better off through.
I guess I am better off with out you.

Like the most remote parts of the ocean,
My longing is deep and beautifully extraterrestrial.

I'd never felt such a strong connection
With someone so far away before.
Never had just the sight of someone
Make me smile for no reason at all.

Like a beach somewhere along the equator,
Our love is warm and forever unchanging.

There you are
Sitting at the counter
With a girl.

A girl, the girl-
She's not that pretty.
She's a downgrade
From me, how could he.

Look at her-
With those stupid glasses and
Elaine Benes Hipster clothes.
After me, why would he.

Oh look-
A DSLR camera that I
Bet she doesn't know how to use.
Instead of me, why would he.

Because Time won’t wait
I’m ready, or I have to be,
Unless I want to give everything up.
Because waiting is devouring me
I walk around only feeling like half of myself
And I’m constantly trying to make up my mind,
Because you aren’t waiting, either
Because Time won’t wait,
Are you ready?