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Carrey Adele Oct 2011
I stand in the middle of a
Crowded Ballet Studio as you
Pull me, push me, shape me
Into what you
Wish I was.
Pulling my hair out of its
Roots until there’s nothing left
Nothing left of me.

I’m clenching my teeth, my fingernails digging
Digging into my palms.
I’m going to dance, run, write,
Scream
Away from you like
Thunderstorms in Santa Fe.
Sudden, unexpected, unstoppable:
That’s me.
Carrey Adele Feb 2012
We fought for the 5th time this week.
I don't know what sparked your yelling,
But whatever it was-
It started a raging fire right in between us.
Your searing seething words are meant to be hurtful.
Like the fake apologies of a middle school girl,
They are meant to make me feel guilty.
And the words do hurt- but it's not shame that burns.
Am I horrible? Am I selfish?

We fought for the 10th time this month.
Our tear enducing "conversations" come in like the tide.
When the tide is low, you swallow your anger, your pride
Deep within you, but the waves always roll back in, and
With them comes your disgust- at me, at your own kin.
And you trap me on the shore, and force me to lie there-
Lie there and take your tidal wave words like the ultimately
Helpless, ultimately powerless daughter that I am.

One day we'll wake up, and this will all be over.
The rising seas will quench the raging fires, and
We'll be mother and daughter again.
But until then- you can't even look at me?
Until then- I can't even really speak to you. I talk
But I never speak, you listen but you never hear.
Until then I'll keep going to bed with out knowing what I did,
Keep smiling with sad eyes, because everything is alright.
Carrey Adele Nov 2011
I'm sorry
That I'm not as strong as a say I am.
I pretend like I'm invincible,
But then I can't look you in the eye
And tell you I love you.

I'm sorry
I was too scared to say I need you too.
That day two years ago still
Makes me cry with regret.
You're the only one, you know.

I'm sorry
That I'm not the perfect girl you deserve.
But maybe, despite everything,
You could take me as I am.
Please tell me that's not too much to ask.
Carrey Adele Oct 2011
Nothing about us feels finished.
A stupid thing to feel,
Seeing your new girlfriend's face
Pops up everywhere I look.
Your face pops up every time
I shut my eyes.

Maybe it's the way you ended it.
You quit me cold turkey,
Like some kind of
Horrible, addictive, life-ruining drug.
We went from instant secret spilling,
To complete silence, separation.

Maybe it's why you ended it.
I was falling in love with you,
After a short month? Of all the self-centered...
Possibly true, things to come up with.
But like the scared, lovesick teenage boy that you are,
You couldn't tell me.

No, Nothing about us is finished.  
Some say quitting cold turkey is difficult.
Was it?
Was the Daniela drug addictive?
I suppose it's wrong to hope
That it has an iron grip on you.
Carrey Adele May 2012
She felt a pang in the pit of her stomach
Like getting punched hard in the gut
Because there was his picture in her newsfeed
Again smiling at the camera like he used to
Smile only for her

Six months, seven months, ten months gone
It's stupid and pointless to miss him.
Like the Ring of Fire he won't be back
In this life time even though she never
Even got a deep look at him

But loath curse love those firsts
Those scars that fade with time
But never totally disappear
Even when no one else can see them
They'll always be there
Carrey Adele Dec 2011
My phone vibrates- skids across the table
So I pick it up and I here you
Frantic about a mystery on the other end of the line.

I keep my voice steady- it gives away no emotion
Because if you hear that I'm worried about you
The mystery will remain so- you won't tell me anything.

But you notice my worry anyway- best friends can sense that.
No you aren't going to clue me in or confide in me
You just needed to hear my voice to make you feel better.

Goodbye talk to you later- I'm just fine.
But I don't believe you because I know you're lying
I notice your worry anyway- best friends can sense that.
Carrey Adele Oct 2013
I'm stupid enough to think I can change you
I'm deluded enough to think I'll be the special one
That convinces you to be the commitment kind of guy
But what makes me think I'm the girl who'll do it?

I want so badly for this to work
I don't know when it happened
But I've fallen hard for you

Somehow your disenchantment
With the world and how it works
Draws me to you, your words

Unlike so many other guys
You listen to me when I speak
You care about who I am underneath the skin

And your lips, your hands
When you touch me it's like
Electricity pulsing within every part of me

Then I start wondering
How long I'll have you
There seem to be expiration dates with you

But maybe it'll be different this time
I could be the one who changes you
Maybe I am different- special

I'm stupid enough to think I can change you
I'm deluded enough to think I'll be the special one
That convinces you to be the commitment kind of guy
But what makes me think you need me?
Carrey Adele May 2012
If I had known that was our last goodbye
I would have made it more dramatic, special
Maybe gazed into your deep blue eyes
And kissed you on the cheek- not the lips.
Lips and lust have no place in separation.
Carrey Adele Feb 2012
I thought I knew you, my own daughter, you said
But you didn't- you don't know me at all.

I'm an alien in my own house, and
You are just like everyone else-
Afraid of my difference- you hate it.
I'm concerned about what society will think
I don't care, neither should you.
Afraid of my difference- you try to **** it.

I thought I knew you, my own daughter*, you said
But you don't- you never did.
Carrey Adele Jan 2012
I see you standing there
Staring at the rushing water.
The cement river flowing for the first time
Since last February.
Your clothes are so wet, they’ve become part of your skin
Like an outer shell.

Your life is like
A Hurricane.
The windows are boarded up, but the wind
And water still gets through.
Eyes squeezed shut,
You hug yourself -
Screaming so loud that no one can hear.

Tears stream down your face
They drop down into the grey water-
Tears so big
No one can see them.
Nails that are bitten raw dig
Dig into the railing that’s keeping you on the surface.

Moved to a small white room with no windows
For months and days and years.
Fed only bread and water
Through a tube.
Writing small words on the white sheets
Of your iron bed:
Letmeout.
Carrey Adele Dec 2011
That I still think about you after all this time.
Six months- has it been six months already?
Six times longer than our time together...
It's not to say that I'm not over you,
I am- have been since the leaves started falling.
We live thousands of miles apart,
It had to end I know that it's just-
Is that all I was to you- a summer fling?
Because you were much more to me:
A lover, a best friend, almost perfect!
And then, it all shattered because of one silent afternoon.

I guess, if I think about it:
It doesn't seem ridiculous after all.
Carrey Adele Mar 2013
Take a deep breath because it's not her fault
Even though there's no one else to blame,
And I'd rather blame her than anyone else.
Because she's mediocre in every respect.
And the poor deluded *****, she just doesn't see.
She doesn't seem to notice the level of his indifference,
And yet she's taking him away from me.
She doesn't deserve him,
And he shouldn't stoop to her level.
Because he's all she ever talks about,
All she ever thinks about- she's obsessed.
It's crazy, and I wish he'd see that.
Not so that I can have him back, exactly.
It's more-
If I can't have him,
No one can.
Carrey Adele Oct 2011
I’ll be fine, can’t you tell?
I’m making jokes about it,
So I’ll be fine.
Laugh at me,
Laugh at my jokes, my sarcasm, my stupidity
So that you don’t see
The tears falling down my face.

I’ll torture you if you leave, you know.
I’ll make you worried about me,
Just for fun, just for kicks.
But really so that maybe you’ll come back to me.
Get worried,
Get worried and take me seriously
So that you don’t see
The tears falling down my face.

I forgot my bag upstairs, see you tomorrow.
I’ll make the bus in a second
I’m alright, I’m fine.
I need to be alone for a minute.
See through my disguise,
See through me and stay here with me
So that you can see
The tears falling down my face.
Carrey Adele Oct 2011
Last night we felt reckless
So we drove down to Zuma Beach
At 3 in the morning—the dead of night.
Parked the car behind the lifeguard house
Lying on a blanket in the chilling sand,
We stared at the single star that hadn’t been
Drowned out by near-by LA city lights.

You folded your body around mine
And protected me from the “cold” of a
Mid-October night, the kind my so-cal bones
Are so sensitive to. Your chest, your arms, warmed me to the core.
There we fell asleep, under the guard of that single star.
Years later, I woke up to the sun rise,
With you stroking my arms like you always used to do.

All of a sudden I woke up in my own bed,
And you in yours 1,624 miles away.
I felt an ache in my bones, like the kind
From a Mid-October chilly night,
And I hoped you felt it too.
Carrey Adele Mar 2013
He has lips
That can make a girl's knees
Turn to water
So everyone ignores
The other things about him.
Carrey Adele Oct 2011
This is not a love letter,
No, it's a letter about your eyes.
Deep and blue like oceans,
Yet warm and smiling
Like the Santa Ana winds.

Never a love letter,
But a letter about your hands.
Big and clumsy,
They fit perfectly around mine, so
I don't need gloves.

I won't write a love letter.
I will write a letter about what you already know:
I'm forever yours, and you
The boy with the Santa Ana eyes,
Are forever mine.
Carrey Adele Oct 2011
To be sure
Dwelling upon what could have been
But wasn’t, is a waste of energy.
Lately I’ve convinced myself it’s time well spent.
Like Ying and Yang, you and I don’t at first appear to be harmonious,
Yet when linked, we are a calm kind of power.
All those weeks ago,
Those weeks that feel longer than years, yet shorter than days,
I didn’t see it.
Of course not, with evil poisoning our very minds
With it’s young beautiful charms.
Yet, I still blame myself, for that’s the Devil’s greatest trick:
I could have changed it all in an instant,
But I waved and smiled and did nothing at all.
But heart, don’t break: space and time are bent in a circle,
So maybe I’ll get it right next time.
Carrey Adele Dec 2011
On a lazy winter day that doesn't feel like winter at all
(70 degrees outside, yet the los angelinos are still feeling chilly)
She scrapes the burned cheese off of the griddle
(burns her fingers, but that doesn't matter, not really)
Because that's the best part about making grilled cheese

As she's waiting for the cheese to melt, she picks up her tea mug
(takes a sip, and looks out the kitchen window)
And she's wishing that she could go home
(technically LA is home, but it isn't really, not to her)
Because she's looked for her heart in this city, but she can't find it.
Carrey Adele Oct 2011
How do I stop my mind from wandering?
Your face imprinted in my memory.
How do I stop my speech from faltering?
You make me nervous when you I see.
I know we are over, but I cannot
Let go. I move through life as if for show.
With out you I think my heart will rot.
The summer heat is fading, close to snow.
One thousand miles between you and I,
And although we are nothing more than friends,
The distance breaks my heart, so I could cry.
I take my glasses off and clean the lens.
It could be that we are better off through.
I guess I am better off with out you.
I'm not usually a sonnet writer, this was actually just a homework assignment. But it turned out okay for a first time.
Carrey Adele Dec 2011
She's like a fly
The one that circles you endlessly
Until you swat it away
But then, right when you're sure it's gone
There she is again,
Watching you with those beady eyes.

I've said it thousands of times:
You make me miserable,
Because you are a miserable
Almost-human being.
A manipulative *****-
That's all you amount to.

While I scream this into your face,
A timid voice in the back of my head
Says: I am not much better.
And it's true. Deep down,
My harsh honesty makes me just like you.
A manipulative *****.

But at least I'm not afraid to admit it, right?
Carrey Adele Feb 2012
Walking through the supermarket,
I came across a regret.
Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, you've
Slimmed down since 4 years ago.

4 years ago, the regret, the guilt.
When you poured out your heart to me,
And I spilled your words
All over the table for everyone to see.

As if that wasn't bad enough.
Your love for me was unrequited,
And I rubbed it in your face,
In the ground, on a flag in the air: taunting.

But here's what I remembered most
As I watched you pick out the right grapefruit:
4 years ago I broke your heart, and you-
You forgave me, you loved me anyway.

Maybe 4 years ago was better for you,
Because I'm so much less of a woman than you deserve.
And yet- when you saw me peering over the apples,
You ran over and hugged me,

Acted like the way we used to be.
Carrey Adele Jan 2012
Like the most remote parts of the ocean,
My longing is deep and beautifully extraterrestrial.

I'd never felt such a strong connection
With someone so far away before.
Never had just the sight of someone
Make me smile for no reason at all.

Like a beach somewhere along the equator,
Our love is warm and forever unchanging.
Carrey Adele Jan 2012
Lately I've been afraid
Afraid of being alone
Of having the opportunity to really think.

How can someone have everything,
So much that countless people don't have,
And yet still be so unhappy?

I don't have the answer,
So I keep fighting back the pointless tears
Day after day after day.
Carrey Adele May 2012
There you are
Sitting at the counter
With a girl.

A girl, the girl-
She's not that pretty.
She's a downgrade
From me, how could he.

Look at her-
With those stupid glasses and
Elaine Benes Hipster clothes.
After me, why would he.

Oh look-
A DSLR camera that I
Bet she doesn't know how to use.
Instead of me, why would he.
Carrey Adele Nov 2011
Because Time won’t wait
I’m ready, or I have to be,
Unless I want to give everything up.
Because waiting is devouring me
I walk around only feeling like half of myself
And I’m constantly trying to make up my mind,
Because you aren’t waiting, either
Because Time won’t wait,
Are you ready?

— The End —