I yearn for things
When they are over
But cannot want
Them at the time.
I think I only love
What is lost to me
As in losing it
It becomes mine.

The raven on the roof
Cries out a warning
Of the mourning that is sure
To arrive.
With the west winds
Outside is colder
Than I have
Ever recalled
I wrap my coat like a cloak around me
Tightly tightly
And hurry home.
The raven sits and watches
A gleam of something
(Malice or sorrow)
In his beady eye
Watching the little
World hurry by
Like pieces on a chess board
All the while
Crying out a warning
That I'll forget as soon as
I'm indoors with the kettle on
And warm lamp light
To keep away the shadows

Saturday nights and it appears
I'm still wishing you were here
Even though it could be a million years
And you still wouldn't want me.

I could fight my way through crowds
You could be figuring things out
I'd be scared, I'd be soulless
I'd be whatever just to cope less
And you still wouldn't want me.

And the thought of that it haunts me

Because I'd change my hair
I'd change my clothes
I'd be yours down to my bones
Lose all of me that I have known
And you still wouldn't want me.

I'd do whatever it takes to know you
Be your sun when days are blue
Be the love you never knew
But I feel it in me like a stake through
After doing all that I could do
You still wouldn't want me.

You've never ever wanted me

And I could shut my eyes
And deny the truth
But this right here is real life proof
I've given all I can while she gives none
And you still cannot want me
What does it take for you to want me?

I'd give midnight kisses
And dances in the dark
You'd have my all, you have my heart
I'd even get used to wanting
I'm getting used to haunting
The places we used to go
Ignoring the people we used to know
And I feel it still
As I walk myself home
The sinking feeling
Of knowing what I know
The caustic sting
In streetlight glow

You will never want me.

To me, you're
Dizzy laughter
And hopeful eyes
That find each other.
You're falling stars,
Carrying heart burning
Hopes and dreams
Sparkling
Like embers.
You're candlelight
Glowing and warm
Keeping away
The darkness.
To me, you are safe,
You are hands
In my hands
And a mouth
That somehow
Calls my name
Without speaking.
You are home
And I hope you know
That I ache to be
Away from you.

Will this be the
Moment we
Long for
When age has
Caged the flame
Inside us?

I'm tired I'm tired
It's the way that I'm wired
I'm tired
Of living this way.
I'm hung and I'm dry
I'm the furthest from high
I'm tired
So I need to find
The sun in the sky.
Because I'm sopping
I'm soaking
I'm tired of hoping
That something is
To be said for coping.
I'm tired
And lonely
And not thinking clearly
If only, if only
The thoughts would
Come slowly
Instead of
A cacophony
Of things I needed to hear.
I'm tired and I need
Something in me
To breathe
To crack and consider
How to be a beginner
Because I'm failing
At anything more.
I'm tired of friends
And I'm tired of ends
Of goodbyes and
Broken ties and tears in my eyes
I am tired.
I think I need to be
In order to see
Those who work best
When they're putting
Doubts in my head
And a sword through my chest
I'm tired of their
Supposed sincerity
And twisted apologises.
It is late and I'm low
I have no more to show
My reel has run fully
It has failed to fool me
As all that it is
Is mine
I am tired, it's true
But I swear it to you
I'll be fine.

I'm peering through
The window
Of a life that used
To be mine.
Of people
That became
Figures in pictures
Memories warped
Into rectangles
That you hang
On the wall.
The moments
We thought would
Last forever
Have escaped us
Floating like
Paper lanterns
Into the night sky
Carrying with them
The brightest
Hopes and dreams.
Though I watched
Them go
I am still
Suprised to have
To leave
This life that used
To be mine
Behind.
But even as it
Fades away
It's glow
Through foggy window
Remains.

I was gripped
By time,
Encased as
A moment in a
Photograph.
Illuminated by
The flash of lightning
Shutter
Where the raindrops
Never quite meet
The ground
And my smile never dims
Or falls
Or falters.

Sunday night blues
And I'm thinking of you
And all we never had.
Because it's you
That I look for
And me you don't see
In the crowd, in the street
At the movies.
And I'll do my hair
Wear a dress that you'd like
If someone else wore it
I think that you might
Have your breath
Start to mess
Caught in your throat
Like the luckiest
Catch of your life.
And one day you might
So I'll play pretend
That I'm like the rest
Have my string of bad luck
Until I get the best
And my heart won't feel
Like it's ripped
Out of my chest
Cause it's you that I knew
That I wanted.
But it's Sunday night blues
And I knew, oh I knew
It's not me
That you wanted.
I know it's not special
To watch from afar
To play the sad songs
And look out for your car
Wondering, hoping
That I'd be where you are
When the night is over.
Because Sunday night blues
Are waging a war
I know what I am
And I know I want more
I want to be
The girl in the dress
The perfectly imperfect mess
The one that you looked for
The one that you see
In the crowd, in the street
At the movies.
Sunday nights always end
So, just for once
Let us pretend
That this story
Will finally mend
And nothing more
Will be said.

You are nostalgia
Just one taste
Of sweet on my tongue.
You are warmth
Taken away
Just
Before it burns.
You are what
I dream about
Think about
Write about.
It is this fleeting
Magic of you
That I chase
And hope to find
But never will
As you have changed.
You are rose tinted
And deceptively greener
As that is
The magic of
Something
That can be thought
Of fondly
Because it is over.

Because summer ends
As it always does
And I'm the one who's still in love
Stupid and young and jaded
Waiting for the giddy heat.

The cooler air
Is bracing and hard
A fairytale of broken parts
That sting in ways they
Really shouldn't.

I cling tightly to the aged dream
Of something sweeter
And shut myself away-
You could always be meaner.

The enchantment of my youth
Is lost in the forest
Locked down in material layers
And words that mean more to me
That were meant when spoken.

You wish me nothing but the best
And avoid my eyes
But not my chest
It's a sweet farewell I'm sure.

When you touch my cheek
It doesn't matter that
I feel so incomplete
As it's the briefest euphoria
And its taste is ambrosia.

The leaves fade past golden
And nothing changes
I wish I could hold on
And everything moves on
Except me.

I fail to adjust to the season
Wither and brown in the cold
I have nothing here to lean on
So I hide and cease to exist
Under a blanket of burnt out stars and sticks.

I'll stay that way until winter
Until frost and ice
Until they know me and
Have caught me in their frozen grip
And I no longer
Give a ****.

That will be the New Year's freedom
And suddenly it will be spring.

Raindrops dripping
Down my spine
The promise I made
To stop wishing
You were mine.

Cold breath curling
In the frozen air
Thinking of your
Hands tying knots
In my hair.

The empty feeling
Of knowing the end
But choosing
For whatever reason
To pretend
And trying to learn
To be fine with that.

Walking away
As the curtains falls
Locking the screen
As you constantly call,
Then suddenly
Feeling like
I can breathe again
In rain and mist
And on hillsides.

Taking the rose
Away from the thorns
And choking
On light
Like sun after storm,
Watching raindrops
Wash it all away
Until I was saturated,
Dizzy,
And, somehow, ok.

I adore you
Like lights from cars
Adore dark windows
On rainy days.

It is easier to be the Ice Queen
Crown of glass, so serene
A kingdom in my frozen grasp
Never forgetting that ice is sharp
And ice is cold in a way that cut
Through my veins and in my guts.
The Ice Queen's heart traps a shiver
(Until it melts)
And all is lost down the river
The flowers underneath- they wither
And turn to brown
And die.
Passion seems to melt
The frost
My frozen resolve is
Ultimately lost
And I wish for
Everything to be
Snow topped
Again.
But coloured wildflowers
Force their way
Towards
The blinding sun
In the same cruel way
That you won
Me over and melted me.
I am
A servant to
Your golden rays
As always
The Queen of nothing
But slush and things
That were once alive
But cannot thrive
When they are
Under my watchful eye.
Does anyone love the Ice Queen?
Are they willing to endure her scorn?
Does anyone want the Ice Queen?
Feel how she is cold where she should be warm.
Maybe I will be warm again
When the year has ended
When my skin isn't blue
But summer is no longer welcome
In my ice kingdom
And maybe, this time
Neither are you.

Last night
You passed through
My dreams
A fleeting thought
A spirit, almost
You but translucent.
When I woke,
I felt uneasy
And have felt
Strange ever since.
It seems apparent
To me
That despite the
Extenuating circumstances
My mind doesn't
Want to
Let go of you
Not yet
Not now
Not ever

Missing
Is a haunting
Vacancy
Which tugs tears
From stubborn
Eyes
And lost hearts.

I stayed stoic
And unmoved
Until I felt something pop
Inside me
And fizz out
Like champagne
Dripping down the sides
Of a glass
At a birthday party.
And then
At the release
I
Let myself breathe
Spilling out
In a bubbling gasp
And for a moment
The air was alight
With a thousand
Tiny fairy lights
As if the world
Had been switched on
But
They soon flickered out
And I
Like everything else
Was still again.

I leave behind
My room of ruins
And fight with
All I have
Not to look
Back
At it's broken parts

It's hard to
Look forward
When memories
Glow with false
Promise,
Warmer and brighter
Than constellations
Designed by starstruck
Goddesses.

And if the ground
Could still hum
With magic
After a rainstorm
I decided, so could I.

I wish I could tug
Words from your lips
Like smoke.
I wish my eyes would
Glow like brimstone
In the dark.
I wish that yesterday
Was nothing but embers
And tomorrow
Was nothing but ash.
I wish like a well
And I'm sick
Of it.

The soil speaks your name
On earthy tongue
Rich and slow to move
Like thick roots in Spring.
The rain sings of you
Splashing melodic notes
Into murky puddles
That stare up at constellations.
The leaves whisper to you
Rustling in amber, brown and gold
As if you were a treasure
Left from the days of Kings
But it is the soil
In it's dark enclosure
That truly knows you
And calls you home
Oncemore.

Why does love
Smile so sweetly
When it lies,
And heartbreak
Cry
As it tells the truth?

You promised
Me happiness
So why am I
Feeling so sad?

I am older and wiser
And hopefully
A little kinder
As kindness
Is nicer than
The alternative.

I gave up
Looking for dreams,
Put any I had
On the market
So I could
Afford
The thread
That I needed
To sew up
My seams
From fallen out
Dreams
I once had.
I gave up
Looking for love
Put all that I had
In a box or
A basket
As that's better
Than tears
Red wine
Or a casket.
I think
Sometimes
Nothing is better
But anything's better
Than that.
I gave up clinging
To you
Because you
Were a lost cause,
A phantom,
A shadow,
A figment I knew
That I hoped
Was still you
But it wasn't
And it couldn't
Have been
No matter how hard
I dreamed
Or I loved
Or I hoped
No matter my
Brave face
Or my emotional
Disgrace
Dreams had no
Real power
To mend.
Because sometimes
(Most of the time)
Dreams end
And days begin
And heartbroken
Fools move on
Until one day
You wake up
And
Those dreams
Are gone
Like stolen flowers
On lonely graves.

I miss the fruit I never tasted
The lips I never knew
The seeds of change are planted
But they grow slow and are but few.

My candle flame is fading
My dreams are of only you
Rejections dance like embers
But I'll pretend the words aren't true.

You've trapped me in a bottle
Of glassy, inky blue
I'll wait on this boat forever
For my love, what else am I to do?

My empty harvest is mud slick
Trampled as a path straight through
But maybe in this ruined garden
Redemption somehow grew

So I blow away the ashes
And imagine something new
Something only I could hope for
Something far far away from you.

Repeats never made
For good melancholy
Not in any of the
Great works anyway.

Dreams melted
Like candle wax
And stuck to our pillows
As hard and awkward
Reminders
To lift up our heads.

The mountains are tall
But with them beneath
My Feet
I am taller- maybe the tallest
Thing on Earth.
They have seen more
Than I ever could
And I want to see it all,
They show me
The paths to beyond
That beckon
With the call of adventure,
The call that dances
Around my thoughts
While I sleep
And tugs at my bones
When I wake.
It takes all I have
Not to follow them.
I have known snow,
Like shards of crystals
Falling from the sky
And crunching under foot,
I know it's taste, it's smell
It's tingling touch
As it melts on your palm
Like a frostbite kiss.
I want to know heat,
Rich and raw,
Rolling off stone
And sand
Which stretches out
For miles and miles
The sun beating
Like a spotlight.
I want to know cool,
The mist from a sea breeze
That knots itself into
My hair
Like a ribbon of salt
Under wisps of clouds
Curtains for the Sun
And the Moon.
I want to speak to the trees
As I have spoken to mountains
To hear their leaves
Rustle and sway
Like laughter
And secrets.
Up here, with the world
At my feet
I feel I will know it all
I swear an oath in the
Snow
Like a blood pact
And hope it freezes over.