A blush on my cheeks
A smile spreading wide
A laugh at every word
That comes out
Of your seemingly
Perfect imperfect mouth
Childishly wondering
If you think I'm pretty,
Or if you find my mouth
Perfect too.
Hidden glances
To meet your gaze
And stare into your eyes
And forget the world
For a while.
I spend my days with
A spring in my step
A twinkle in my eye
Oh if I had the courage to try-
Poetics aside,
You make me a wreck
My stomachs flips
And churns
And my skin tingles
When our arms brush.
I'm not saying this is love
But yet instead
An intense
Admiration
Adoration
But still
Hesitation
For I am shy
And will surely wait
Until this feels right
By and by.

My childhood sits
At the opposite end of a room
Alongside a worn, comfy chair
Clear in my line of sight
Until someone stands
And obscures my view
And I wait for them to move again.
It's a room that I never seem to leave
But at times it seems
So distant
And unfamiliar
As if facing a stranger.

The room is full
And the air around
Smells like something I know well
Salty sea air, dog fur
Coco chanel
And wet paint.
It's a mix of tangy
And sweet.
A cocktail or a witches potion.

I face straight on,
But
From the corner of my eye
I can see
Yellow and blue swings
Soaring straight to the sky
And back again into
Warm loving arms
That patch me up
As I fall time and time again
But remain fearless.
If I whirl around I feel that I can
Face it
But it blurrs and blinds my eyes
So I turn away
Remain detached.

At times I feel like
I have been cruelly snatched
From my place here
But deep down I knew
I was beginning to outgrow it
Even though it seemed to
Fit so well.
My new skin sometimes feels rough
And flimsy
Stretched and put back together
Nothing like days of sunshine
and our own world at the beach.

I'm still living in the daze of a disney dream,
Still afraid of the dark
Eagerly awaiting my prince charming
Hiding in my imagination
Pretending to be myself
As if I'm content in adulthood.
I know behind my shoulder
Childhood stands
Waves and beckons
Begging me to join them
In play and fun.
I force myself to walk on
Knowing that if I turned around
It would disappear
Fly away like dust in a breeze.
Because my childhood has left
And only a room
Of disorganised
Well loved
Memories
Remain.

Why do I place
My self worth
Into others
Blindly trusting them
With my heart and my soul
My faith in others.
I live for the high
Of the value and trust
They give to me
Their priority
The feeling of being needed
Appreciated
But this isn't a gift
Instead a loan
That is cruelly ripped away
Given to someone else.
Leaving me low
As if after a sugar boost
A false sense of energy or fulfilment
Grasping and snatching
Scraping
Like an addict
Desperate for the scraps
Trapped in self loathing
Disgust
Until I can place my worth
In another disappointment.

Why do I never
Fit
into the shapes around me
Am I missing a part
Or do the parts I have
Hold me back
Refusing to bend, break or adapt
Do I want to change?
Lose myself for a sense of belonging
A sense of false loyalty.
Do I enjoy
Being only half in
Back exposed to the cold
Isolated
And forgotten easily
Never quite right.
I am a lost puzzle piece
How have I
Wandered from my home
Where I fit
Like key into lock
And hand into hand
A perfect fit
Before I was placed
In the wrong box
By someone careles.
I dream of blue skies
Where I sit safely
In the middle
of a coffee table
Home.

I feel numb
A twisted kind of invincible
Where nothing can hurt me.
I'm walking through
A battle ground
And I'm shot down
Again and again
But I feel nothing
But an itch
Like the absence of a limb.
I feel numb,
Floating on smog
Thick and dark and choking
It's burning my lungs
Staining my clothes
I am a doll
Move me however you like
I will not feel a thing
For I am merely numb.

Why do thoughts
Creep
Like a stranger on the stairs
Into your mind
And dig their way in
Like maggots
Into decay.
They leave traces
Reasons to doubt,
Worry and over think.
These thoughts
Pollute
And distort.
Your mind becomes a haze
Unclear,
Hiding
In a sea of fog.

And the strength of the lion
Was matched
By the courage
Of the butterfly
Who flew from flower to flower
And left the past behind her
As a closed book.