a preacher, one day,
told me that we must be so rooted in Christ
that if we crashed our car and
our 3 year old daughter flew out the opened door
that we would look up to the sky
and immediately think
"Christ is enough."

i wish i could save you
but how am i going to do that if
i can't even fix myself?
i'm so glad someone can find me
so enthralling as you do
but all of the beauty, intelligence,
humor and grace in the world
cannot save another person's soul.
so don't hold me to that standard
i love you, i love you, i love you
but i am not your savior

all i know is

i've never thought of the silky white
of someone's wrist so often
and how it would feel
to run my fingers over it

you care about me when
i destroy myself
from the inside out and
you see me as pure

every single time you've flashed
your wide, white smile at me,
the floor slips from under my feet
and i sink in a feeling of warmth

i love you more every time i see you
disgruntled and upset
and my greatest fear has become
hurting you.

you can't hide from me
i know you and your demented ways
because i've seen them in every man before you.
you see me and like my "radiance,"
how i laugh at everything and smile
at every person i meet
and how i take my time with others.
cute right?
you label me as "safe"
and "easy."
you'll be in for a treat when i stay up until
1 o'clock am, ranting about how
some boy at school was insensitive about women's suffrage
or when i cry over Monsters Inc
or when i forget to give you your iPod back
for the fifth time
or when i repeatedly swing at you
and whimper when you pinch me once
or when i'm so honest that it feels
like i'm beating you to a pulp.
that's when they give up and that
is when
you gave
up.

for once
i'm at a loss for words
all i know is
you're gentle and kind and warm
but your patience is slowly melting away
down to the dark, rude,
unforgiving soul
that you have pushed so far down in you

Lost in confusion and hiding in darkness
whimpering and bruised
You reached down into my dark days
and pulled me out
You whispered meaning into my life again,
"My daughter."
The very words struck me to the core.
I lay my life at Your feet
for You are my only source
of worth and happiness.

it's a draining process -
to constantly pour all of my love and devotion
into everyone
and see them turn their cheek

i'm the shiny nickel you saw on the sidewalk
that you didn't pick up
i'm the opportunity to skydive
that you declined
i'm the rays of the sun that glaze your skin on the beach
that you must protect yourself from

i'm the one that is liked but never loved
seen but never heard
cares but is uncared for
and is always the second choice

I need happy
and sun and breeze and warmth
and slow, steady breathing
I need constant
and true and unfailing
I need willing

I really need touch
to be held, to hold back
to feel your breath over my neck
to feel your lips meet the small of my back
I need my lips grazing your arms
my hands sliding over your chest

I need innocence
I need calm and new and refreshing
and honest and hopeful

an old soul trapped inside a 16 year old body
his words poured over her with the deepest devotion
that he could to offer her torn and ragged heart
in the back of her mind, something tugged
and whispered
                 don't let him go
she told him about her deepest fears
and how they came true a year ago
he told her how he'd like to trace the outline of her
on his satin bedspread
until she fell soundly and safely asleep for the first time in months
every morning she woke up and believed the sunlight
peeking through the slits in her curtains
because she knew it was a reflection of him
thinking of her

she sits alone in her bed with the lights on
and wonders where he went and why he went there
whether she had done something wrong or if it was an honest mistake
whether or not the skin on his chest was pure sunshine
like she had always imagined it to be
and most importantly
if she ever crosses his mind

dark, silent room
feet tangled in old flannel sheets
slow breathing, deep breathing
arms wrapped around a pillow

but eyes wide open
mind buzzing with discomfort
heart sinking with loneliness
until the sun spills through her window

the pills in the medicine cabinet
are cooing me
to a warm slow drop
into oblivion

my heart drops continuously
as the voices yell
pathetic, alone, unwanted
ignorant, wasted, inadequate
fat, ugly, unloved
i feel the tide pulling me out again
the first time in a couple of months
and i don't know how to fight it
and i almost don't even want to fight
i want it to win
because wallowing in self hatred is so much easier
than struggling to believe in love
when i haven't felt it in months.

my laughter hides it well
all the heartache and nights spent
crying and cutting for nothing
i don't know what's wrong with me
but i know there is a lot wrong
i see it in their eyes
how they could love me
if i was slender and didn't laugh
quite as loud
if my hair was naturally straight
and my makeup was tattooed on
if i could just get a single **** thing right

i don't want to be second best anymore
can someone hear me?
i've been pleading for years!
how can you leave me wallowing like this?
i hate you cause you know how i feel
yet you would never do a single thing
to help me
i don't know how to ask for help
because i have tried, believe me,
but nothing works

hushed under the flannel blankets
that have formed a mountain on my bed,
i lie, hair tied and mascara running,
in wait of one ******* person
to let me know
that they care unfathomably about me
         is it really that hard
to be found dumbstruck at the sight
of the sunlight tangled in my hair
at 7 a.m.,
of me drinking mug after mug of coffee
on the porch as i write,
of me laughing with a shimmer in my eye
and trust and hope on the curves of my lips?

i guess it is quite difficult,
i cannot seem to be taken aback
by myself either.

i want privacy
mornings spent slept in
nights spent alone
in the corner of the book shop
i don't want anyone to understand me


but even more
i long for someone who intrudes
and wonders about me
genuinely interested in my quirks
and thoughts

for my sanity
i've taken on the duty of deleting
your number on my phone-
the last trace of you i have left-
yet it takes me hours in order to
press the button

and now as i'm wide awake
lying in bed at 3 a.m.
i'm sorely wishing i hadn't
pushed you out of my life
in the first place

your words are delectably dark
the most intriguing sentences form in my ears
i can barely take them all in
you have me hooked and i sense my soul being
dragged under your blankets
but i can't feel a thing
i grab your face and search it for something i cannot find
where has it gone?
i sink back now
you aren't who i fell for

i'm stuck again
i find myself emotionally involved in every inch of you
your collarbones, jaw line
arms, hands
chest
i heave myself into them all
i want to be as close to you as possible
my kisses brush on all of them
i find no end to my madness for you
i'm losing myself
blurring the boundaries between you and i
what have i done?
everything has become slow
but i can't seem to brush my cheeks over you
as quickly as i'd like to
hiding my face in your chest,
i pray i do not have leave your grasp
the warmth of your presences seeps into my chest
trickles into my stomach
reaches my ankles
i do not want to escape

i wasn't searching for you the first time i spoke with you
in the hushed library
i am unfathomably lucky
i feel what you feel even though you have no idea
and when you glance down at your hands
i understand the loneliness
when you lay your head down
i drown in disappointment

at the moment
i'm praying that somehow i have to move with you
that way i can keep you safe from
the dreadful voices in your head as you feebly attempt
to adjust to yet another school
i know you have trouble with this
and how difficult you find it

i carry you in my heart
you are the perfect baggage

i hope you didn't notice
my gazing today
but you're so beautiful
and i know i can't have you
not how i want you

i want to keep you secure
and build up walls around you
so no one can touch you
because i know you're secretly scared
but you won't allow it
i'm not sure what you want

i've been frantically asking
for all of the wrong things
like a first kiss, a hand around my waist
some loose change

what i actually need
are a few true friends
an intriguing book, a canvas
and time to think

i've always been so vivacious and bubbly
constantly going out of my way
just to say a simple
hi

but lately, i have been finding it
extremely difficult to breathe
when anyone glances at me
i feel my sanity flowing out of my fingertips
i'm drowning in my own
nothingness

your silky skin is peeking from
the hole at the bottom of your jeans
you give me the vaguest stare
i have no choice but to stare back
until i can see the stars in your eyes
and how they connect into constellations
that tell stories about where you've come from
i read them all day long

i watch as you drift off
hiding from your thoughts that tell you
that you're inadequate
and see your every breath become slower
the rhythm of them makes my heart swell
it is its own kind of art
something unexplainable to behold
i sit in awe as i realize
what you mean to me

i probably have to leave*

what a roller coaster this simple phrase
has sent me on today
i stumbled through classes and down halls
groggily sitting in shock all day
never processing a word
i've shut down and find myself wasting away
writing about you to no end

i wish i could wash you and strip off your sins
myself
but i know that you must fight for yourself
so much innocence still glistens in you
whether you like it or not
i wish it would overpower you

you cannot leave, i'm pleading
after all we've had
this cannot be how it ends
but if it is
take my blanket to remember me by
for when i was weak
i draped it over me and thought of
your blissfully crooked grin

i am what crashes with the tides
on the beach
tucked between pages of your
favorite book
resting within the soft-hearted lyrics
swimming through your veins
making you think before you speak
i'm blooming with the gardenias
fresh and bold
thriving in laughter from innocent lips

you may not see me but my love
consistently follows you, dear

why yes,
you did love me first

but i loved you more.

my family giggling in the living room
i gulped the cider and slipped outside
unnoticed, of course
outside i glance at the window
they have each other
but i am empty

my view is black and white
in contrast to the falling snow
i wish to feel numb to all things
the chill nips at my ears
i slide the zipper down my coat
and slip it off to reveal my tee
pleading that the frosty air
clamp down on me

lost in a world of blissful darkness
i unravel even more
and lie in my shorts
on the cold ground
so emotionless and young
never have i been
more morbidly aware of my loneliness
never have i been
so satisfied

i've the most difficult time
explaining myself
though my thoughts are quite simplistic
all i've ever wanted
is a cup of coffee and a lullaby
a crown of flowers
a night molded to your curves
and stretches of your ribcage
to sink my face into your chest
and hide myself
until i awake with the light of morning
cooing to me, gently gliding down my back
alongside your hand
a sleepy conscious resides
in my heart of silk and porcelain

it's a grim thought that changes my whole mindset
i can't find a way to shove the image of your face
out of my mind
i'm frightened that it will soon be gone
out of my grasp

i have nothing to hold onto
slowly sinking under the waves
again
my eyes inch up to the surface
to find the children and friends
laughing and whistling

crimson waves take me further
it slowly seeps from my own body
frozen, i find strange comfort
deeper by the second

how will i escape this once more?

i want to write about you
and how i wish i could unravel your dense mind
make your complicated countenance simple
to yell at you about how i passionately love
how easily your words flow to and through me
and echo when you're gone
how i feel as if you're the only one i have left
and how desperately i wish i could hide you
in my lungs and breath you
so that you couldn't move
and couldn't leave me
alone

i'm pretending i didn't hear you tell me
that you had to leave

soft, pure, precious
i'm losing all of my words
'cause i've spent them all on you
secure, blissful, warm
your smile is electric
the most intoxicating sight
sacred, hidden, enthralling
i can sense you here but
i cannot reach you

your little eyelashes flutter against my chest
i feel you sigh as you wake
your hand curls around my finger

i'd give everything i have to grow up for you
to carry the burden of subjective glances
and the heart-dropping goodbyes

i tried so hard to clean up your mess
but i made it worse
and more confusing
now you want nothing to do with me
who was i kidding?

i can't clean up my own

if you want honesty

i constantly rewind the first time
you hugged me
and how your hands lingered on the small of my back
found their way all the way around
my waist

your smirk still haunts my dreams
i know it was an understanding smirk
as dark as it was
i wanted to curl up and sleep in it
the biggest turn on

sometimes i still wish
you would have drunkenly stumbled
upon my front porch
called me down and gave me a sip
convinced me to be yours
while i tasted your whiskey tongue

i fell in love with your arms
sturdy and strong
i knew they could wield off dangers of any kind
when i miss you the most
i can feel them on me and
my heart
drops

please tempt me again

it's quite sad

they all look and see
innocence, happiness
blissful rhythmic thinking
love and patience

I look and see
scars, stretch marks
nights spent wallowing
absence of self-worth

you are still the one person
i long for when
i'm wide awake
at 2 a.m.
*i think that says a lot

I spend the majority
of my time awake
wishing to be asleep

I spend the majority
of my time asleep
dreaming I was with you

you swine,
i had just met you
then a day later you held my face
called me gorgeous
then proceeded to call me
and continuously fantasize about
making out with
innocent little me

you rose,
we did not flirt
but we were so honest
i trusted you with everything
you're the sweetest guy
i've ever talked to
but you deleted me from your life
i'm not sure why

you child,
i ran after you in 8th grade
you flirted with me
only for your amusement i suppose
since i caught you kissing
on another
now we're best friends

you soul *******
beautiful
terrible
sweet creature,
you read me like an open book
you knew of my innocence
but were aware of
other tendencies without me even
addressing it.
you held me and hit me
i love you i hate you

*love, caroline.

i’m drowning in my own
definition of beauty
i look around and see it
hidden in spoken words
dancing on the curves of smiles
bouncing out in laughter
but i glance down at my thighs
and wonder if i’ll ever find the courage
to see it rushing through
my own veins

lately i’ve been screaming out
in hopes that someone will return my cries
but i realize that i’m shouting
into a broken, lonely
black void
and now i’ve draped a veil
around the tenderness of my heart
i throw away to anyone who gives me
the slightest **** sense of affection
and maybe someone will convince me
that good love will find me
on its own

for half a year
i loved then hated
cried then cut
gasped for air only to suffocate
hoped then lost it all
but now i sleep
avoid eye contact
smile and try my best
to feel nothing

a year ago
you took my hand
placed it on your heart
then snapped my wrist
five months ago
you texted me good morning
then ignored me for a month
two months ago
you placed a flower in my hair
smirked
then set my locks on fire
yesterday
you kissed me in my dreams
but slapped me when i woke up
i still wait for you

coffee wakes me up in the morning
and i can stay up all night if i have
a candy bar
i get a little antsy
with a bottle of soda
but you are the biggest sugar rush
i’ve ever had in my life

i think and think
i think myself out of happiness
                         but never into it
i say one thing, you glance at me
you stay silent
but in my mind you’re screaming
that i’m hopelessly inadequate
                         i couldn’t agree more
somewhere, i know it’s not true
but that doesn’t matter
my thoughts are suffocating me
                         i am a plague to myself

ten years from now
i imagine myself
alone and much quieter
in a small town outside of a city
kayaking and biking
trying to keep myself
as busy as possible
to guard myself from evil thoughts
i hope more than anything
that’s not true

sometimes i imagine myself
in a castle
with a gold chain and a throne
in a cabin
quietly listening to the river
in a white dress
waltzing slowly with a lover
but usually i imagine
finding myself entangled in your arms
once more