my mind will be the end of me.
these thoughts more than some memory,
these images played through my brain.
daring me to be insane,
or done,
lost to the abyss.
lost to this endlessness,
the beyond.
whats coming next?
who knows.
but here I sit,
stuck.
fastened to this place.
unable to change my face
or name.
unable to break the chain,
insane?
no, just in pain.
the monotony is killing me
each day less and less free
tied to you
and them.
tied to the endless cycle of days
and nights,
and predictable fights;
because i know what pushes your buttons.
and can't stop from leaning in,
won't stop stealing your grin,
your joy.
no reason why.
perhaps i just want to die
and your leaving,
i know,
would do me in...

Lying here beside you
Staring into the brush stroked abyss
My mind registers
And whirs
And composes
The words I'm overrun with
The stories that run down the sides of my consciousness
Like I ran down that hill in my white gown
Running from my past
Into our future
I ache with excitement and yearning to speak with you
Awakenings fresh on my ink stained fingertips
Bubbling on the tip of my canvas stretched tongue
Expanding and morphing their confines
Unrecognizable
Without meaning
Devoid of intelligence
Scrawls and scratches of a cave dweller
Somehow paired with a Greek god
Your smile
Lost in the hieroglyphic translations on the page before you
The conversations I long to have
Reduced to mere finger-painted pictographs
Where I lose your attention
Incapable of expressing your radiance

I looked into the gates of Death
That stood just down the path
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood, enraptured
The air there seemed to say
"Come away
Run with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're much too young
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And ran with it
Raced the wind between the trees
I lost myself there in the woods
Within the greenery
Until one day
I stumbled
The gates stood there with me
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, mystified
A bird sang out to me
"Come away
Fly with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're much too young
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And flew with it
Soared above the clouds
I found a man
Who'd hold my hand
Never let it go
The gates arrived in front of me
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, petrified
My love whispered to me
"Come away
Stay with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're mine to save
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And stayed with him
We raised a boy and girl
Lost into their eyes
I swore, I couldn't leave
They'd never be alone
Then once again those gates appeared
Reaching  into my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood, enraged
My children seemed to say
"Come away
Live with us
No one has to know
It's isn't right
We're much too young
We can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And lived with them
Watched them grow up, be free
My love and I grew ancient
He lost himself for me
So when those gates showed up again
Reaching  into my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, ready
I heard the gates true call
"Come away
Die with me
No one has to know
It's finally right
You've lived your life
And now it's time to go."
And so I turned
And died with them
I left the world below
Free of pain and sadness
Into the great unknown.

I swear
Last night
As I lay awake
You sighed
With satisfaction
From the kitchen
Where we used to drink it all in.

I swear
This morning
As I lost myself to work
Covered in paint
Swimming in words
Lost at a pen's tip
Your hands
Toyed with my hair
Your lips
Caressed my neck.

I swear
You're here
I can't see you
But with every passing day
I feel you
I've heard its phantom limb
You always were a part of me
So connected
We functioned as one.

I still sleep
Tangled in your arms
I still eat
With your fingers
Tracing my skin
You haunt me
Every moment
Every day

I ordered a coffee black
To match the circles under my eyes
To scare the tired from my weary flesh
Life has largely taken its toll
Across the diner I gaze
When I see him
He's freshly adult
And already wilting
The weight of his world
Squarely on his shoulders
Its in that moment
My soul cries out
"I bear your burdens.
I carry them in each beat of my heart
In the pulse life within my blood.
I bear your burdens.
I lay them across the breadth of my shoulders
The tone and flex supporting you through your trials.
I bear your burdens.
They rest in the folds of my skin
In the curl of my lips
In the strength of my bones
And the swing of my hips.
I bear your burdens
In each moment of the day
Without falter of fail.
I have always and
Will always carry your burdens
Here in my soul
So you will never shoulder them
Alone."

I saw you today
The sighting long overdue
But then
Perhaps you don't think so
Perhaps you'd rather that I cease to exist

We sat along the canal
At a picnic table
Surrounded by geese
And the breeze off the water

We talked
Or better said
You talked
And I let the words seep into my pours
Becoming a part of me
Every sound, every breath, every sigh

You told me stories
Of faith and despair
And I let them become the songs of my soul
I laughed as I soaked it all in

But through everything
You never looked me in the eye
Perhaps it was simply due
To my hiding behind insecurities
But you didn't even glance my way

Perhaps you're ashamed of me
I'm not
Nor am I ashamed of you
Our actions may not have been glorifying or wonderful
But we can move past those
And still be us

The moments
Between spaces
Between dreaming and awake
Between the drops of torrential rain
Between my head on your chest and your kiss to the top of my head
Its those overlooked moments
Those minuscule seconds
When silence is complete
Comfort is all encompassing
And sweet content is everything
It's then that I will always love you

I can't blame you
Sometimes its the only way
Running from something
Because of the honest reality of it

I can't blame you
I've done the same
Trusting my leathered skin
The souls of my feet
To carry me past these horizons

I don't blame you
But know this
I'm still here
I'm not upset
I'm not hurting
I'm still waiting
For the beat of my heart not to call your name
For the breath in my lungs to stop sighing at the thought of you

I'm still waiting
For the skin of my hands to stop tingling from the feel of you
For the memories of us to subside

Remember I'm still her
I'm still the girl that embraced you when no one would
Still the girl that showed you things you hadn't known
The girl that broadened your horizons
I'm still she that carried your heart
When you thought it would fall from your chest

I'm still here
I'm not going anywhere
I'll stand on this hillside
Whispers of you lingering on my ears
Legs quivering at your proximity
As your eyes probed mine
And your lips uttered words
That left me standing here waiting

"I can't do this anymore"

But I can
I'll be yours until the cows come home
Until the endless machinery of humanity breaks down
Til pigs fly
I am yours

I'll be here
Where you took the ground from under me
Waiting for the day you realize
You need me
Maybe not my lips
Or my heart
But my spirit
My friendship

You can find me here
Where I lost my heart to you
Here
Until the rain that falls mutates my skin
Until wildlife roots their life with mine
Until children come and stare
Having heard the whispers as I became this urban legend

I'll be here
Waiting for you
Here

I hear you
I hear the cries of distress and pain you send out to the world
*** you don't understand what's happening
I hear the ache in your chest and the lump in your throat
As you beg the world to be kind
I hear the words between the screams that you whisper
Hoping someone will hear you and tell you
It gets better
You want to hear
That after the storm comes the clear skies
And after the darkness comes dawn
And after everything you've been through
It gets better
But the truth is ...
It won't
It won't get better...
At least
Not yet
But the only way it can ever get better
Is if you manage to hit the very bottom
If you manage to break
To absolutely shatter
Throw yourself to the storm out your window
So that the fragments of your soul are the only thing able to cry out
And then it still won't get better
You'll feel hopeless and alone
Like no one understands you
And you'll think that your life was a pitiful excuse for passing moments
And that no one could ever miss you
And you'll cry out to a god you don't believe in
Until finally you do
Until finally after thinking about it all
You realize that everything you have
You didn't earn
You didn't deserve
Until you realize it was a gift
And that gift was meant for you to give back
Back to the thing that gave it to you
And as you lay there shattered and confused
You see that the pieces of your life are meant for more
And the moment you realize nothing is yours
Nothing is truly yours
It belongs to Him
When that instant hits your understanding
THAT is when it gets better
But my friend if you are wondering if you've hit that place
I'm afraid you've missed the message
And if you're still crying out to the wind, to the world
It won't get better
At least
Not yet

Day after day I stay here
Day after day I puzzle over life
Day after day I make no headway
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my soul
And the drum line in my chest has stopped it's beating
And the string quartet of my soul is exceptionally still
And I feel hopelessly alone
The trumpets that used to drive me forward have been muzzled
And even the titillation of my hope has died out, the keys have gone cold
So I float in the abyss
And hope that someone somewhere will see me as an island to dream of
But the soft recollections of symphonies past do nothing more than keep me a float
And the stillness of my orchestra stop me from rising any more
And so I wait
Tortured by uncertainty and confusion
For a note
However delicate and soft
To pull at the strings of my soul
To awaken the snares of my heart
To loose my trumpets
And move me forward once more

I'm scared
I'm scared that this black pit
Is the best I'll ever get
I'm scared that everything I've ever worked for
Is nothing more than another failure
I'm scared that you don't actually love me
That I'm just another vacant seat at the table of your mind
I'm scared that the moment I get behind the wheel
I'll desire nothing more than it all to end
I'm scared that I've got nowhere else to go
That I'm unemployable
I'm terrified that there will always be a catch
A doubt, a hesitation
I'm scared that I'm I forgettable
That I'm worthless
I'm terrified that no one will understand
That I'm completely alone
I'm afraid that I need help
But the help I need is beyond my pay grade
I'm afraid that the emptiness I feel is how it will always be
Because I have nothing to fill the void
I've been passed over
I've been abandoned
I've been forgotten
And I can't let it go...
My deepest fears have been acknowledged
And validated
And now I'm afraid
I'm pathetic,
I'm worthless
I'm afraid that to the world,
I may not even exist

If you see him
Tell him I've moved on
Tell him that the tambourine in my chest plays a new beat
But if I were to see him, yes, he'd still shake me
If you see him
Tell him I've reached new heights
Tell him that the snow on the mountains is nothing more than eraser shavings
From the memories I've had wiped from my mind
There's little of him I'll remember
If you see him
Tell him I've learned to swim
Tell him he can find me where the currents start
Where the water won't be salted any more
Because the oceans of my eyes will be salted enough
If you see him
Tell him that night was his fault
Tell him that the moon is his fault
But it's the only memory I've kept of him
I'll be out walking the highway
And I know he doesn't drive this way
But if I see him
I'll tell him
That the tambourine in my chest still shakes to his beat
And the oceans in my eyes are ready for him to weep
I'll tell him
That his name is carved across the surface of my heart
So that my pulse will always kiss him
That the tin soldiers in my toes
Were and still are the only thing driving me forward
If I see him
I'll tell him
He's an ***
But I wouldn't have it any other way

I looked in my closet today
Overrun with cardigans, trousers and blazers
And one lonely glittering dress
But instead of threads and buttons
I saw the child that once huddled in the corner
Carpet pulled back
Revealing the blades
The hooks
Staples
The toys she knew
To express herself with
The taint on her heart growing
I looked in my closet today
And saw how far I've come
Out of the darkness

It was some moment
Some insignificant passing of time
That changed everything
The exact moment so insignificant
Neither of us took notice
A snowflake melting on strands of hair
A suspended rain drop
It was there
And had we been looking for it
Would have discovered it
But we lived in the moment
Swallowing each experience whole
So as to map them into our bones
To pull them into our DNA
No faulty synapses to lose them
But in that insignificant moment
Significant things changed
I became yours
To guard and guide
Sasquatch in the perfect forested glen
And you became mine
To care for and calm
An alien in the ne'er reaches of space
In that insignificant moment
We grew

I dreamt of war
Of a glassy sea breaking from its bounds
Of skies opening with unrestricted flashes of light
I dreamt of war
Of a world smashed unrecognizably into itself
Of continents clashing against one another
I dreamt of war
I saw life leaving the eyes of thousands
I watched dispair and fear engulf the innocent
I dreamt of you
I witnessed hatred consume your soul
I witnessed you lead the slaughter of thousands
And I came to know evil
I learned of the intimacy of pain
I learned of the severity of fights
And amongst the war and fighting
In the aggression and death
I cried for life

The folds of our skin, together, complete
Our spirits perfect counterparts
Like a storm and it's calm
A grain of sand and a drop of sea
A ball of light in the blackest of night
So you are to me
With you there is one problem
That you must leave my side
For we are not a union
A nonpermantent and ever reluctant pair
You leave
Always returning for a time
For a time
I am stuck, incomplete
Lost to myself and the world
A downed, infested log
Upon the forest floor
Left
Without roots to feed my branches
Without sources keeping me alive

These four walls
My captors
These words
Lost upon the page
These students
Seeking with no answers
These minds
Conforming to one gage
A freedom
Long forgotten
A light
To darkened rooms
This place
'ere begotten
And I
To gaze past the gloom

To my heart
How broken you are, my friend
How willing to abandon my chest
To share what you can with the universe
How you strive for adventure
For danger
To see the world
To seek new life
My heart, sweet dear
You disappear
You leave my chest only returning tattered
And torn
You've learned nothing of your health
Still you seek your place
Among the stars
Far beyond my limitations

There is an elderly couple
Across from us at Max's
Completely lost in each others eyes
Seperate from the world
Sheilded from the average pains of life
Because they have each other
And the joy that eminates from them
Could overwhelm this entire place
Yet, for me
Is bittersweet
Their joy forces me to think of you
Sitting just beyond my grasp
Eyes dancing in the candlelight
Skin glowing
Mouth in a continual flux of speech and consumption
Watching you it is ever apparent to me
You and I
We
Could never be them
However long we tried
Our chemistry will fade
To be replaced with emptiness
For now
We'll enjoy this
My abandon is not yet an option
So I watch you
Gazing at me
And I can't help but laugh
You'll never see it coming

I sit
Slowly collecting my surroundings
Grasping my circumstance
Letting the emotions of the room
Awaken reactions in me

I've always been emotionless
Living through instinct
You can see exactly what I feel
I don't hide it
Or fight to conceal it

I am plain
And obnoxious at times
Like an animal
Not yet understood

Perhaps I am the long awaited Sasquatch
And I've yet to be noticed
As a child I thought
I was an ape child
Because I wanted to be
Revered
And studied
I wanted the world
To take notice of me

But now
20some odd years down the road
Here I sit
Death has not stopped for me
Health has not left my side
Intelligence comes and goes as he sees fit
And the world
Doesn't know I exist

Would they even notice my disappearance
As I sit here
Chained by imagination
Watching his blades gleam
I wonder

Yes, I play our memories
Over in my mind
Letting them dance upon my eyelids
And pull at my heart strings
They won't stop if I plead
They're all you've left me with
Everything I can remember
Every touch
Every glance
Every uttered sound
It's all I have of you
You may not realize
But when you said goodbye
You never really left me
In the same way, I suppose, I may haunt you
Every burning wick
Those flickering flames
Every shift in daylight
The turning of the sun
Every fold in the flag
Stitches tattering slowly
Every drop of rain
Refreshing the life and growth of Earth
They are part of me
And they reek of you
No matter where I go
Or who I'm with
I can't escape your gaze
Can't loose the grip you have on my heart
And after these months of fighting it
I no longer care
I've accepted that you're a part of me
Forever more

overwhelmed
I sit
curled
all muscles tensed
all emotions
no definition
heart beating
all thoughts
no clarity
sweat running
all fears
no peace
tears flowing
all questions
no answers
pain unbearable
far too often

Lying on my back
Unyielding, glacial asphalt chilling my core
I watch
As stars
Slowly
Blink
Out of existence
No cataclysmic events following
Just small beams
Flickering
And dying
Their strength
No longer that of burning suns
But of sheer dust,
Wishful dreams.
Sharing their last moments
With me
Warming my mind as I consider their lives
Oh, that they had told me their stories!
The things they had seen
Through the centuries
Under their unfaltering gaze
The lovers,
The fighters,
The epic wars,
The college all-nighters,
The runaways,
Development of life through the years,
Just a small glimpse into their memory

These are the demons
that toy with my mind
that fire my synapses
the demons that linger in shadow
that sink into the fabric of my outer skin
and leave me wrestling with my beliefs late into the night
wondering to life after death
leaving me to tears
as I imagine meeting my end and the possibilities there after
my tongue knots
even my inner monologue runs dry
shaken
quaking
shattered
where the ends of the universe play through my mind's eye
and doubt engulfs me
chasing sleep from my future
an endless repeat
these are my demons
this is my hell

Penned across the page,
ink pulsing
from one letter to the next
in a cursive script that comes from my core
oozing over the lines meant to hem it in
absorbing into the depths of the page
the fibers trembling
taking on this bruise
the satisfying crimson deepening within flesh
the only way to capture the outpour
to withhold the gore
and still express the rupture
to explain the hurt
found in the heart

I don’t know the moment we became friends
I don’t know the moment you transformed from a looming, strong-willed Sasquatch
To a cute ’n’ kind Koala
I’m not sure how you managed that change but I’m glad you did
Not that I’m saying you were the only one to change
Perhaps I was the Sasquatch before and have since softened into a loving Llama or a caring Camel
In any case, it really doesn't matter who did the changing
Just that it happened
That out of all the random connections that could be made
We were challenged to care for each other.
I don’t know what brought us together or why
Maybe it was nature challenging its bounds to see what it could get to fall in love with what
Perhaps it was just us realizing there was a kindred spirit behind all of that bristled Sasquatchian fur
Whatever it was I’m betting God was ultimately behind it
*** He’s legit like that
Honestly though, I’m glad it happened
I’m glad that my view of you changed.
I’m glad that I got to know you.
I’m stoked that we talk and let each other know what’s happening in life.
I rejoice that you were a persistent little Sasquatch when I had written you off.
I’m glad I can call you friend.  
I can honestly say that I would take a bullet for you,
That’s right; I’ll be your guard Llama
I would traverse space and time, fight all laws of physics and all the sciences just to make sure you were ok
For you I would find Atlantis,
I’d find the “missing link”
I’d find all the things that are mysterious and leave you puzzling
I’d travel to places that aren't possible to reach simply because people have ceased to believe in them
And make strangers begin to believe again just to make you smile or distract you from the hurt for even a moment
My dear sweet little Sasquatch
I adore you
I treasure you
Couldn't live without you

I dreamt of you, of us, of me.
I dreamt of what we used to be,
Of late night talks and photographs,
Of stories that once made you laugh
Or sigh or even cry.
Before you said I lived a lie
Before the bridge we knew was burned
And from my side you quickly turned.
I dreamt of peace after this war
Not being what we were before
But being something new and free
A friendship of new capacity.
The past is gone, it did not last.
Those shadows are already cast.
We cannot change whats happened now;
But we can start anew, somehow.

I want to touch the Earth to my bare skin
To take the open air within
Show these folks the open plains
To dance under the soaking rain
Adventure waits within my heart
Right now is just the time to start
To see the world from end to end
Slow its spin and then pretend
Home doesn't exist for me
Even now its a memory
Rather than a place or time
Every moment cherished, new
Another day, another try
Never giving in to my fears
Doubts
Never living without
Our hopes and dreams
Winning the world with our hope filled cries