I feel sad today
My three friends are all too busy to see me
My spattering of newer acquaintances will not satisfy
I want to laugh with someone I am not learning
My other friends who I could lean on
Live far far far away
I have a new cat who requires oodles of attention
And who attacks my resident cat
So I keep them separate
I miss my cat deeply
Though she’s just in the other room
I get 20 minutes to an hour with her every 3 hours
Until the new cat cries and I go to her

I’m sure it doesn’t help my current state
That I am not just lonely
I am embarrassed to be lonely
Why doesn’t anyone other than my mom prioritize seeing me?
Why am I not someone’s whole world?
And this is an over dramatic question
Just this week I had dinner with a friend on Tuesday which he insisted upon because he would be away the weekend
And usually we spend some part of the weekend together
I don’t have a lover or two
Just me
And my friends with their busy lives and partners and roommates and careers
And I have my music and my cats
My paintings
My seemingly endless renovations

My horoscope which says it’s time to dig deeper into this feeling
Find where I allow another to soothe this sadness
The loneliness is normal I think
But the embarrassment of it  
The fear of needing
The flinch away from wanting
The idea that because I am lonely I must also be unlikeable, unloveable
This feeling that in the absence of another’s adoration, my adorableness ceases to exist
It’s not true
And that’s what my horoscope says I should be healing and releasing
I’ve been dutiful
Finding and weeding out where I participate in codependency in my friendships
I’ve seen and stopped the behavior
And now I’m here
Noticing how I can’t just be lonely
I am also alone and embarrassed to be so
Which is stupid
I’m not married
I don’t have a roommate or live with family
I’m not dating anyone
Of course I’m alone often
Which is okay and is not a reflection of my worthiness to another
It’s just what the situation is

I used to have friendships with people I didn’t actually like very much
Who very much liked me or so it seemed because they were always asking to see me
And that made me feel that I was at a surplus
But then I realized it I didn’t actually want to see them I just didn’t want to be alone
So I stoped seeing those people
And now I sometimes feel I am at a deficit

Boundaries and time management
Being seen
Vulnerability
Easy laughter
Connection
Brushing our teeth together
Knowing the smell of her hair and skin
Inside jokes
Having another person (other than me) to get flowers for
The joy of being in love
All loom in the distance
Large and ephemeral
Like a huge cloud far and high in the sky

My horoscope says dating will open up in November
5 months to figure it all out
So that on November 1st
I can walk out my door
Into the autumn sunshine and meet the love of my life

How disappointed will I be if November comes and goes and I don’t meet anybody?
If the plans for dates continue to fall through?
If the texts go unanswered?

Maybe by then
With all the growth I’m planning for the next 5 months!
I will be okay with it
Flush with acceptance and ease in the avenues of my existence

I hope it won’t be something like
“When you least expect it, it happens!”

How beat down and forlorn will I have to be
To one day stop picturing my wife in my mind?
To stop hoping to meet her?

Is the big block also my fear of my mothers rejection?
The look of horror and disgust on her impossible-to-hide-emotions face
I’m going to cry
I can already feel the pain
Of her rejection of my joy because it’s not for a man
Yes, big block.

And I’m not even capable of doing the other option

People say it’s brave that I up and left LA
That I up and left advertising
That I’m putting out my own music

But to me it doesn’t feel brave,
It feels inevitable and scary and exciting
But mostly inevitable

Because once I know what is, what must be done, I do it and I see it through to existence

My best life is with a wife
My best life is one where I don’t need my mothers approval
I’m here on this earth to live my best life
So these two bests will come to fruition

I hope one after the other in no particular order and of no consequence to the other

Could it be so cruel (it being my life path)
That in order to find joy with a partner I must first rid myself fully of the codependency, the agreements to heal, the child/parent role I play to to my mom? How big would I have to be? That her approval doesn’t swing like a pendulum in the back of my brain? How evolved, advanced, ready for my dreams to come true! How full of my own goodness. How completely set free of the burden of “you were once inside of me, so now you must let me be inside your life to dictate what is good and what it bad and what is safe and what is dangerous”? How wonderfully ready for my next steps? How prepared for a big life?

So maybe it’s not so cruel, maybe it’s a gift to realize this. I’ll decide that it is.
But how?

How do I rid myself of my desire for her approval? I didn’t used to have it, when I lived far away. Or sure I guess it lingered but was buried deep. And now being so near her, experiencing the shining joy of her beaming approving smile sometimes, I want it and that bit of me that would deny my truth to avoid the pain of her visceral rejection has grown.

Oh yes, a new codependency ready to be uprooted shows its face
Quietly peeking from behind the curtains
November here I come

Im always amazed
What a nap with my cat
And cooking something delicious
Will do for my apathy

Recently I’ve ceased using someone
As my personal diary
Texting less
Not texting every little thought I have
Not seeking validation of my existence through someone else seeing my every inner move
And I have to say I feel far more
Real

******* has become a chore as of late
No one caresses my beautiful collar bones
And I ache I ache I ache

My dreams show me visions
Of people that I miss
And somehow in this timeline
I am never kissed

I feel that a vital part of myself
Is shriveling up and dying
As each day goes by and no lover brushes their lips to the back of my hand
Is this the last remnants of my ***/love addiction?
I haven’t experienced that wild reckless craving for another body to slam into mine in ages and ages
And I don’t experience it now
But rather a loneliness that scuffs at the dusty taupe floors of the echoing rooms where intimacy used to dance, supple and pliant
Now my intimacy palace sits empty
It’s been so long since the twinkle in someone else’s eye matched the twinkle in mine and I got to be bold as I chose to fall in for a moment with them
Since I met someone who touched that deep part of me
Or maybe that deep part of me has been sleeping for a very long time
The part that isn’t afraid to love, that remembers what a high privilege it is to connect body and soul with another
Maybe it’s waking up and as it does a maddening hunger for touch yawns wide in my center
Maybe I overused that privilege and abused my ability to connect and condensed millennia of intimacy into a few hours a week
And so it hid away from my carelessness
It sunk into the walls
Slithered under the floor boards
And waited until it was sure I wouldn’t over use, abuse and be careless with it
And now I think it’s starting to get sure of me
Trust now fills the air in these vacant halls and the disembodied bits of my intimacy start to come together
Creating a bit of a pit just there at my diaphragm
A pit that longs for lovers past
That laments my empty bed
But that also praises the new halls I’ve crafted for it


All this because I desperately want to text my ex
Or worse
Write her a letter
With a poem that praises her body and soul
That I wrote after she broke my heart
I want to mail it to her for birthday with a note that says “I wish we lived closer and things were different and you could be my wife”
I’d send it to break her heart a little because mine is still broken
I don’t think hers is  
From when we last spoke I know her heart is still high up on the shelf, hidden behind her guards
And I know nothing of what her intimacy palace looks like
But I wish I wish I wish
I wish I could meet someone like her
And that’s the rub isn’t it?
She’s still my high standard and she smashed my heart up

And now that beast of longing awakens and craves her so badly
The loss of her feels deafening even a year and a half later
How would I survive someone new? Who I loved with that kind of admiration, tenderness and force?
If it were to end? I’d have to place another gravestone there in my chest beside hers. I suppose I should just let her go, dig up the grave and send her into space. But then what will the beast of longing gnaw on if not her memory?
I’m afraid it will gnaw on me
Oh the melodrama

The feeling of brown grey trees at dusk
The sky is lavender or cornflower
With peach highlights on the clouds
From the low setting sun
And you’re running in the woods toward home
And you start to lose sight of your feet among the brown grey tree roots, the brown grey earth, the leaves, your brown grey shoes
And for a moment you feel a little spooked
The light fades beneath the blanket of trees
Though when you look up
The sky is so sharp and clear against the branches
But it provides no light
A breeze blows cool
And silence gathers around you in fearful clumps
But then I remember oh I’m running back home with my brother
And he too can barely see his feet
And we’re okay
And we had a great day in the woods

I love my people who feel deeply
And speak with their hand on their heart
I love my people who dabble in the depths
Every morning and night
I love my people who open their fingers
To let moments that no longer serve slip away
I love my people who have worked hard to find childhood
Who feel the joy of a six year old when they
Find a daisy on the side walk

Do any other bisexuals out there know what it’s like?
I’ve read in some blogs and Reddit threads that others feel attracted to men when they ovulate
And attracted to women the rest of the month
And mine is just like that sometimes
But other times it’s not
As the days turn long
And the evenings warm
I want to sink my teeth into a big hairy chest and be held by large rough hands
Even well into my luteal
But I’ve told myself
That whenever this retreat from *** ends
I must must must date a woman next
Because each time I date a man
Even a big one with a hairy chest
I still want a woman
Which of course brings me to my dream
Of having a relationship with both
A happily ever after throuple
It’s also been so long since I’ve been with a woman
Over a year
Maybe even a year and a half
That I barely remember the luxury of someone else’s breast in my hand
And then I think maybe I just want lovers here and there
And that in my 30s I’m still young
And that plenty of women have children in their late 30s and maybe I can have a little *** renaissance again
But this time without all the **** and the burying of pain
This time with presence and seduction and responsibility
It’s been ages since I’ve been ****** dumb
And with someone as high strung, smart and **** as me
I just think it should happen at least once a week
But I’m scared to go out there and get it
I’ll list my fears here:
That I won’t be able to attract a woman I’m sincerely attracted to
That a man, no matter how attractive, will turn out to be disrespectful and trite
That I’ll fall in love with a woman and then I’ll have to deal with pretending to not care what my mom thinks
That I’ll be jumping back into *** too early
That my still healing body and soul are not ready yet and that I should wait a bit longer
That I’ll keep waiting and nothing will happen
That I’ll get exactly what I want, my man and woman, a happy **** sweet kind funny loving relationship where we can grow and create life and dream and cry and laugh
And that somehow I’ll still find ways to be unhappy
That having what I really want
Will make me outcast
Or that in order to keep up appearances we will have to hide our truth

Oh the drama in these fears
And then I think well alright then I should just go for it
But how?
On apps? No
In bars? I don’t like bars
At the farmers market? In the city? But I like to stay at home and dance around naked and paint
And I don’t want to go hunting
I want to just happen upon my lover somewhere
But I keep not happening upon them