i want to be vulnerable again. to give myself completely, freely to someone. i want someone to truly accept my flaws and baggage without feeling remorse for having let someone get too close.i want to laugh again without having my insecurities haunt me afterwards for letting another person see my hideous smile and live. i want to be held late at night, not because im sad or lonely but because they want to be near me. i want to be happy for once in my life, i mean true happiness; not the fake smiles with fake friends to hide my pain. i want to live in a world where my pain is accepted as growth and not a burden or setback; it shouldnt define who i am because it doesnt know where im going. i want to make a better life for my child that grows inside me. everyday she grows bigger and stronger and i fear her life will be a mirror of mine. i want to feel real love, not the kind where it feels like a job i hate doing everyday, but instead is my favorite thing to make the days last longer. i dont want to cry anymore, all my tears are for the same person i no longer want but cant be without. i dont want to fall in love as easily as i have done before because it always has the same tragic ending. i dont want my sisters to struggle and battle their demons alone, i need them to know that i will be there no matter what troubles them. i dont want my mother to abuse my younger sister, not physically, but mentally and emotionally, which is worse since you cant see the damage that has been done. i dont want my father to abandon his granddaughter the way he abandoned me; i cant take seeing the pain in her eyes thinking it was something she did to cause hos abrupt disappearance. i dont want my fiance to be with me because we have a child together, i want him to be with me because thats what he wants in his life. i dont want the other man to be with me because he hasnt had love in 6 years, i want him to be with me because he cant live without me. i dont want to continue living this way. i am unhappy, unwell, and confused with every aspect of my life. i have temporarily found happiness at a cost which brings another unhappiness. i have lost myself and no longer wish to find the person i was, but to become better and begin a new life with my child surrounded by pure happiness.