Can't you see I don't care what it does to me?
I want you to use me
To keep me confused
To keep me locked in limbo with no prospect of heaven
This as good as it will likely get
Floating into the blind, white abyss
At least there is time to think here
I hope the numbness kicks in soon.

I take the last drag of the cigarette, for a second my mind is not weighed
Flicking the end into the snowdrift of others, I exhale.
When I do, I release what you said to me behind the waterfall
And the tree in Miranda's back yard cemetery, on Halloween, where you had me pressed
(You wanted to kiss me but I wouldn't let you)
Playing with a big-eyed, bewildered baby on a plastic slide
Holding your camera for you and watching you bloom
Embracing you on my front porch in the cold, in the hot, in the rain when we had placed our hands on each other's heart, followed by an unfathomably brilliant strike of lightning and a clap of thunder to seal the deal.

How desperately I want to believe that you did it all for me
The sick truth lies in your selfish needs
No more, I can't hurt myself uselessly
I've come to a conclusion
Not to gorge on our memories
Instead to regurgitate them into a golden pail
No longer, will you be the king that I hail.

But, I'll keep the bucket.