You make me hurt inside.
This kind of hurt that steals my breath and upsets my stomach.
This hurt is so big that I often wonder how it fits inside my body. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much, because it’s too much, because it’s tearing out of my guts.
I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you hate I hate you hate hate hate hate hate hate.
I want to not know you, I want to forget you, I want to never hear of or even think of your existence again as long as I breathe.
It comes in massive explosions, this hurt.
A landmine in my body, it goes off when you touch my thoughts.
Twisting, searing, high-pitched hurt.
I want to be left alone.
Please please please please please please
Just leave me alone.

You know what?
I will fight
Because it's difficult
Because the lows are so ******* low
Because the night air chills my damp shirtsleeves
Because sometimes the walls are impenetrable
Because I do it the hard way
But really because
He always says it back

you whisper against my skin and I look down at the cave that’s in my chest, gaping and dark and bottomless, shouts echoing off the walls. you never let me rest, tapping and tapping at the insides of my skull. an isolated night heaves up in front of me, motionless and quiet and all the while, tapping and tapping. I can’t eat for the sound, can’t sleep, but I listen and stare as shapes and seconds shift by and fog rolls into my eyes. tides rise and break in my stomach, swells crashing over my eyelids, threatening to escape my mouth.

We're alone.
Really and truly.
Hey Lindsay, does this stuff make you woozy?
Don't trust anyone,
Trust me.
Look out for number one.

Pretending helps.
But you gotta be good at it.
I can fake with the best of anyone.
Hey Lindsay the ceiling is crying, look at it.

Remember,
No one can break your heart
If you bury it in the backyard.
And if they start digging,
Drop out.
Hey Lindsay, I think I might blackout.

You might get cold.
Sometimes I think I froze.
I can't feel anything these days.
Hey Lindsay, so it goes.

The screaming in my head
It's getting louder
What is happening to me
I just wish I could sleep
Just to be free
But I keep running
I've got to find you again
For that feeling you catalyze in me
Like wet flowers
Like hot blood
Breathe.

You smile and laugh,
Lightness incarnate.
I think about corrupting you.
I want to feel your skin sweat under my fingers, 
Watch your muscles clench.
I'd **** to bring a moan out of you,
Die to hear a grunt.
I want to taste your hostility,
Heated and ashamed.
I will rip your evil forth.
To see it spill through you,
Oh.
I bite my lip.
The levees are cracking,
I can see it in your eyes.

I flick the lighter on and off nervously.
The scratching echolalia is deafening in the stillness.
Flick. Hiss. Flick. Hiss.
The metal cap feels like the only heat for a great radius in space and time.
The cracks in the gravel under my feet hold salvation.
Moonlight drowns visible heaven and thinly covers the ground.
Wet and silvery, it will freeze my blood.
In the far distance, a soft rushing sounds.
A glow rises behind a hill in the road, and headlights pop over the summit.
My pulse picks up, I tread backwards, thumb extended.
Tires slow, crackling.
"Where to?"