Tonight I realize something,
Something I should’ve already known.
I’m just a grown man,
Afraid to explore the unknown.

Life’s a battle field of possibilities
But the world is a scary place
So much if it to be discovered
And yet I can’t seem to find my place

As I snort coke,
A failed attempted to stay woke
I realize no number of friends,
No amount of money could ever
help me in my endeavor

If life’s about me
Why friends?
As I cut ties like threads
I tear up
I just want this to end

It’s late,
I need to sleep.
6 lines in I start to think.
Time I take my true drug
That evergreen.

Dear Anna,

Whyd you leave?
Because you could for-see
the exceptions they had for me?
Or was it because you wanted to live life free
Unburdened by what happens
In your absence?

Sister is behaving marvelously
She sees I graduate in a month
She’s stuck in a slump
She needs me to bail her out
Probably even buy her a house

Mother is mother
Always smothering me with love  
Because she has no other
I’m big brother
Always with an eagles eye
Watch our sisters get smother by step father

Father always attempting to control me
I am me he is he
He’s like a flicking light in my life
There when it matters
But never truly transparent or really there

Anna why’d you leave?
I miss my sister
Always there for me
Never by obligation, or benefit
but by choice
You’re gone now
16 hours ahead
I never speak to you

I pray for your safe return
I yearn you come back the same

Anna,
Is it truly my responsibility to hold everybody’s heads above water as I sink?

The coldest corner in the room
Where I close my eyes
And think, what I can do
Where anxiety lingers
Depression thrives
My 2 best friends
Perpetually by my side

Forever bound like a ball and chain
Tirelessly weighing me down
Immersing me
In a pool of
Heart rendering memories
Threatening thoughts
Downplayed heart ache
In a world with no remedies
Tables full of shots
Monopolized by snakes

Crippled by nothing physically visible
But ever so real
This is how I truly feel

I’m not trying to take your girl
I’m not trying to be her man
I’ve been more of an uncle to your girls
Than you’ve been their dad
I don’t want you to like me
I want you mad
When your girls see me they see a real man
Now you think it’s cool to come back?