How do I explain this to people...?
That It burns my veins like venom was injected to my ever so slow beating heart, and is coursing through my body... But as you laid your head on my chest you claimed my heart beat too fast..
How do I explain why I curl my hands into fists when I hear a mention of your name, or look into the mirror and see my shaggy hair that you once ran your hands through, curling your fingers throughout it.. you claimed that you loved it... It already covered my eyes when it was wet, I hated short hair, so I kept it at this length. No matter how long it already was you wished it to be longer...
Lately I'm Clenching my jaw at the mention of your name. Followed by the taste of blood. I didn't notice until lately I was biting the side of my gum, a new found habit. Which I noticed often through the jam session. I did this so I didn't intertwine you throughout the lyrics we were writing., so I didn't embed you throughout the piano chords I pressed onto. You loved to watch when I played the piano, but you always hated the way my jaw clenched from my concentration.
It’s not easy being in a small town, walking along the streets at night tugging at my letterman, looking at places I'll never return to because I know the times we spent in those places. I could never remember all the times we spent during our time together, you always claimed me as forgetful... Now they're seared into my mind as if they happened yesterday.
I'd fiddle with the package in my pocket, you always told me never to begin smoking. I told you I only smoked one often to ease my mind, though you didn't even allow that. You'd make me break every cigarette in the pack, between my shaking hands. You'd grab my hands and tell me I was too anxious, I always shook.
Every detail of you, is seared into my head.
I know the freckles along your back like constellations in my head like the stars I adored when I was a child.
I've heard your voice when I was on the bathroom floor sinking alone, sinking, drowning, gasping.
There’s no anchor in this ship anymore... and the tossed waves are like your tousled hair, that once laid beside me on our late nights.
You say to forget us.
but I could have sworn I held your hand, the day you told him you loved, you kissed me.
I know this for a fact
because my pulse danced with yours those days
but now it’s these days and I can’t get a grip.
and my heart beats slowly, out of tempo with the world.
and maybe the sternum in your chest is the Bermuda Triangle
And god have I gotten ******* lost within who we were... Who you were... What were were.
I wanted for you to exist so badly throughout my life, I forgot that I did too.
But throughout my existence, I let you mold me into something new.
Lately.
I sit up late at night wondering who could love me for everything you didn't..
I feel my heart racing as I run my hands through my freshly cut hair, high and tight..
Clenching my jaw as my hands wrap around the paper with scratched poems on it, tossing it to the trash..
Avoiding friends calls because they'll invite me to the place where we last had dinner.
My hands shaking as I hang up my phone and grab another cigarette and set it a flame, holding it in between my lips as I sigh.
I am the exact opposite of who you wished to me to be, now.
You no longer know who I am..
And I cannot claim of even knowing who am I anymore..
How do I explain to her
The maelstrom you have made out of me.
How do I explain...
The beast inside me of me.
How do I explain...
Why you decided to leave...?
How do I explain to a stranger...
That I am a stranger to everyone, including me?