I feel in my insides lurch,
I am surrounded by the smell of this old church,
the stained wood floors creak with every creep,
this seems such an odd place to weep.

A session began,
that can destroy any man,
the loss of a son, the loss of a brother,
it is a pain like no other.

My friend, my family, my sibling,
there is a lump in my throat, and I cannot sing,
surrounded by photos and one cheap flower basket,
there you lie in a dully painted casket.

Our mother bursts out and cries,
there are questions of "who's" and "why's,"
the pastor stands awkwardly and does not know,
as do I, now where do we go?

With mouth stitched closed, and eyes held tight,
now you may sleep all through the night,
you will never again have to feel hurt,
I just wish you did not have to achieve it by going into the dirt.

Big brown eyes,
please don't make me say my goodbyes,
the shudder of your chest,
keeping your heart going to your best.

So you fought and you fought,
but only what little time it bought,
peace and comfort was all that we sought,
all for you, it is all we could do.

I can still imagine your little whine,
I can still feel pretending it's all still fine,
I can still hear your bark,
I still feel stark.

We all remember in fall,
when the cancer got to your legs and you no longer looked so tall,
your coat use to be so smooth,
then we couldn't even pet you just to sooth.

I remember holding you tight,
all through-out the night,
you would sigh and cry,
just looking at you I too, began die.

I remember the day when you forever went away,
one I knew you would've just loved to play,
you let out a deep breathe and your body shook, your soul could no longer stay,
all that I could do was cry and say, "I'm going to miss you every day."

At night when I close my eyes,
my mind begins to teem with lies,
of an oddity that could never be,
a relationship of you and me,
more than just our skin,
more than the feeling of sin,
but there is no real tether,
that keeps us together,
besides this secret affair,
where you do not truthfully care,
where I try to be curt,
but your hands still find their way underneath my shirt,
it is only you I cannot deny,
I do not understand why,
still closing my eyes I wish in my mind you would not constantly stay,
I wish for all this hurt and regret to go away,
for you to be mine is too much to ask,
to make you mine; too great of a task.

I just want to sleep,
to rest my head and not feel my pulsing heart beat,
to stop feeling such defeat,
but the things that keep me up are so bitter-sweet,
sweet memories of our long swims out by the lake,
bitter insomnia; the story you left me to think about in my wake,
the feeling of your warm lips on my cheek,
your arms wrapped around me feeling safe and not so weak,
but I am in a cold empty bed,
where you no longer rest your head,
clutching the blankets tight,
wishing these memories would stop; so I could just slip into the night,
but rest cannot be found,
because you are not around.

Please dig your nails into my hand,
because I feel so far from land,
even though my legs are buried in the sand,
my heart has a certain ache,
and inside my mind; I quake,
just sitting here together, staring out at the lake,
do you hear the wake,
hear the downfall of my inside structure,
hear me stall; hear me rupture?

It might be better,
if I had sent that letter,
maybe there would be no stress,
maybe if I could confess,
but I wont, and it's not,
so I will sit here; letting my heart rot,
knowing that you call yourself mine but truth you are not,
it feels like a dream,
like any moment my ears should blow out steam,
from all your heat,
from all of my embarrassing defeat,
because I feel all of this is just a tease,
all of this has me on such great unease,
it's eating at me like a disease,
it no longer scares,
to know you are truly theirs.

In fact I'd say it's fine,
but I think I've got to draw a line,
where I let go of your hand,
and I stand,
I will apologize,
and secretly wish inside; that you begin to despise,
all that I am,
and that I am; all that you ****,
and I wish you knew so many things you will never know,
like how in my heart I will never let you go,
or how I love the way your hands go through my hair,
how you basically are my air,
while my words were honey, your words were stings,
so you'll never hear these things.

Its been a few months since you set me free,
but I'll be right here, where I need to be,
right where you need me,
I know it's not the same,
and it even hurts a little when someone says your name,
and even though you pushed me away and set me aside,
my arms will be open wide,
you're seldom human, you're more cigarette,
you fill my lungs, making it hard to breathe, but somehow you fill me with no regret,
you worsen my condition,
surround me with addiction,
but regardless of all that,
I know I'll find you one night standing on my door mat,
because for you; bad things often seem to arise,
but you know that I won't let them be your demise,
and until then I'll remain out of your sight,
and until then I'll be just alright.