leaves fall like footsteps
left at the scene of a crime
culprit in plain sight

You lose it slowly, piece by piece. Whatever bit of purity you thought you had left and that last bit of hope for an effortless race. It doesn’t depart from you in some grand gesture. No, no. It is slowly whittled away by the hands of fine craftsmen. Men who saw the potential you held. Some blows are harder to take than others; time is not always patient with what must go. And you are eager to become something new, while remaining roughly defined. But each chip removed is one you will never get back. You may find yourself longing for a small piece of yourself to return, but you will realize that each tear shed is the first and last of that sliver of self you will see.
Each vision of what you would best become is different, so you must not let too many hands work at once. If you are lucky, your own hands will be freed and image left for you to define. But this may take some foolery, as you must first gain their trust. You will find it difficult to willingly let go of some parts, but it helps to envision their reform into something you want more. Sometimes you are wrong, with no one to blame but yourself. And even if freedom is yours, you may find it is easier to let others carve away, but doing this will make you a foreigner to yourself. The harder you are to form into their desires, the less interest they will have to do so. Only then might you truly be forced to decide for yourself. Only then might they be surprised with what they didn’t know they could find beautiful.

She wanders.

To herself,
Imagines a cup
On a shelf
Behind a
Wall of glass
Not made to penetrate

She holds

An empty hand
Held out to help him stand
But first he tips
The cup to his lips
Then chooses to let go

She lost

The path once on
Is now thick haze
The fear is not
Night but truth
In lightened days

And let go

From her place
Left empty
Right the same
The balance
Is not act
But forever to be this way

Water, it spreads so thin
That the fish have nowhere to swim
Sunshine, it tries
To disguise
Renames it, calls it a cloud

Let the fish flop
From side to side
The current time
It brings the tide
Here it comes, spreading death
Flowing by happiness

This dam is damaged
This dam is breaking
A crack is forming
And it is splitting two sides; their bond will be removed
As the current pushes through

Intently pointed dancer’s feet
Navigate a path
Hips paint a melody
Two eyes they meet
Two eyes alike
Four eyes, they hide
Currents behind

This dam is damaged
This dam is breaking
A crack is forming
And it is splitting two sides; their bond will be removed
As the current pushes through

Push
Push on me
Push on you
Push on me
Push on through

I walked up and picked up
I walked on and dropped off
like clockwork
climbed the lattice-work
all the while sayin you weren't
tryin to sell me
you're worth
more than whatever
your thoughts just as clever
to give you the notion
of pulling the lever
keeping the ship in motion
spanning the depths
of the ocean
in search of the curse
you swear you rehearsed
and now you must execute
your trip down the chute
finally meeting the truth
leaving us all to guess
that she never

this body is yours to do with what you please
and if you find your hand is creeping;
to separate the knees
in heated pursuit of
that soft skin belonging to her inner thigh
well, what she don't know won't make her cry
and if it was your touch that brought back life
don't let her even question a fate otherwise
for certainly she would rather die

It's the sun's morning light that has got you so blind
That right at this time it feels warm on your skin
So you tilt your head back
For a second to relax
But the darkness, it always sets in

It's the root in the ground sticking up you don't see
And your glasses fall off
To blend in with the leaves
And you're on your knees
With your hands scrambling
Looking for something worth finding
Something worth the effort to see

And the ones that are the closest are never in the know
And the arms that are the furthest are the first place you go
While your memory is erasing
To make room for replacing
Something high for every low
Clear images fade along with your hate
And soon you will find somehow you forgave

It's the elephant in the room no one bothers to mention
Standing unassuming, still the center of attention
Eyelids shift and personalities switch
As soon as the lights are all out
And you're a doll on display
Growing old, locked away
Meant to look at but never to hold

And it was never planned to happen like this
It was only a brush of the hips
But one inch and one inch and one inch and one inch and
**You better let me finish

I found a box under your bed
you seem ashamed of what it said
I covered my eyes, though it's no surprise
I knew it was there all along

If I tie this note onto a string
will you lift your voice with it and sing?
Our hands coalesce, it's what we do best
Grow to make a better song

I'm sorry it had to happen to you
I'd take it all if I could choose
Just put it on me, so I can see you
With your family
Laughing and joking, happy
You'd be happy

Just put it all on me

I am alone. I was alone then, and I am alone now. I cried alone when my lungs felt the first shock of air. I cried of loneliness. I cried alone to the God I denounced when my father fell ill. We all cry alone. I cried alone on an air mattress, frozen in fear at the sound of the heavy breathing hovering above that woke me up to a friend’s brother turned invader. I cried again when a study session put me to sleep and a tutor had more on his mind. When it was over, in silence I cried. For the reasons I cry, I am not the only one, but the control of my tears is mine to hold alone. And I am out of control, and I cry and I cry because I feel so alone. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes my heart stops, and my mouth sours, and my stomach tries to escape through my pores. Sometimes I can’t talk and I am paralyzed. And sometimes I smack my head on the bathroom floor after a night of blurring the lines. Sometimes I am lost because I am the only hope.

A stock image that shows a loading dock partially covered in sand:
A dock rises from dirt to bridge an entrance
The surrounding lake seems placid upon first glance,
But the dilapidated boards clinging to one another in desperation
Allude to the perpetual motion lying beneath the water’s surface
A body of water that at once stretches through an implausibly limitless space,
Past the tattered wooden frame

This spurious snapshot of serenity was developed in black-and-white,
Like my worldview,
And speaks to my sense of limitations in life
To the boundaries of my capacity to exist
Boundaries outlined only by a finite ability to push back
Against the infinite possibilities of every other force
A reminder of how small my life is
In comparison to the universe
Maybe this does mean I am uncomfortable in my own skin after all.

Just once I'd like to be useful
Without feeling used
Every town brings the same sadness
What started out with sights to see
Now, could never bring such a thing

Within the walls of each private room
She laid the stones to build her tomb
Underneath the cheap perfume
No cry to be heard at that volume
Pulls off the g-string. Shame resume.
Too many drugs to think
Too many desirable things
Have turned her into a machine
On the stage. Insert money.

Time did not make her what it promised
Plastered on each ad
Traveling towns to be the feature
What happened to that beautiful creature?
And all the glamour, all the splendor
Each cocktail with each ring betrayed bachelor
When no one's around, she looks confused
She said just once I'd like to be useful
Without feeling used
She prepares herself
For when they surround
No cognizance is found

I bit the apple with the hope
That it would taste like it once did
Once there was sweetness
But the reality is
It's aged to bitter

I check the phone when it's not ringing
The radio is off but I hear singing
The tree in the front yard
Dropped its fruit this winter
No nectar inside
You've aged to bitter

Now I can't escape the words
Though I have boarded up my mouth
They make their way out of my eyes
As my lungs are collapsing with these sighs
From all the wonder whys
Trying to pour out
I tip the bottle to my lips
Until they can no longer swim

And sometimes ships
Are brought down by their treasure

a seed planted grew
but the petals fell that bloomed
swept away by change

Behind closed walls
I make my money
An empty heart
Pumping alcohol
To do the things
Make them feel life
And then they tell me
I am wasting mine

How many haunted handbooks
Will I have to read
Before I shake you ghost,
And convince it all to leave?
When will the food I eat
Ever settle in my body?
How can I learn to trust
When I am set on self-destruct?

Read this carefully
Look me up and down
Maybe you will see
Another human being

If I tried to count the times
The thought of you has crossed my mind
And how this shouldn't be
And why you've chosen me

Well tonight I grip my knees
As they're pressed tight against my chest
And I am left to feel alone
But can't go through with it
Tonight I beg and plead
Only to be free
To go back to the life I had
Why does my soul feel so bad?

One more day then one more week
Then why were you thinking you would ever want to leave
Even though it all settles to uneasy
Don't make this your eternity

I'll never learn to love
I'll never learn to trust
Read this carefully
This letter is set
To self-destruct

your love is like rain on a summer day
at first refreshing but leaving you wishing
for it to soon go away
and like the oceans it fills
that splatters and spills
it is nice over sand and in between shells
but the beauty's misleading
pulling you under for the sharks’ next feeding
and the depths of its darkness
could not parallel
a life that more closely resembles hell.

fall down low
with the flow of the waves
as they change
sea, see how you fool me?

sir, it is a surface
made to drag you down to the sharks

look at what you did
i dont want nobody to cry
i will always be alive
don't want that sadness
won't pay homage to me
can't never end the life
alive in memory

it's so hard to believe
oh man what you done to me
what happened to the woman
you come from
how could you forget her?
well i'm not one to talk
i'm about to do the same thing
and throw away the love she gave to me

time doesn't make it easy
the truth just opens up
with each minute i see a new thing
and it's all crashing into me
soon i will be free

To hurt and to be hurt.
There is no emotion so pure. Nothing makes me feel quite so alive so I seek and I strive to be hurt once again. I duck and I dive into a foxhole, the loss of control pumps the blood through my veins. It's in no one I confide in the war zone I hide for a chance at a stray to come quickly my way while my body is ******* to your thoughts of caressing the form that slowly unfolds. Naked I may be there is something you can't see, the truth will remain untold.
To love and to be loved.
There is no greater lie. It will never be enough, though you may try to convince me to believe it is not just a four letter word for deceive, your words will never get through to me. Why else would you do the things that you do? I won't cry, I won't move. I'll crack a smile when it's all through, while I tell myself you did exactly what I wanted you to.

It's my naked body. It's my clenching teeth.
Like a droplet that forms perfectly
Just leave it be
It's my imperfect skin. It's my squinting eyes.
Like a clever disguise
Just let it sink in.

Before you know it, you'll find the sound of your roommate's voice while she's talking to her bestie on the phone to be a burgeoning wedge pushing you into retreat. The demands of your work schedule, the hours of studying to be done, the expectations of friends and lovers. They all crowd around you with their false promises of offering a new path, a light of some sort. But in reality they only hover over you with the disparaging lens of a magnifying glass, while blinding you with a searchlight intent on finding remnants of the person they once knew. The sun used to come through in patches and shine down on you in spontaneous beams, but now that flicker is gone. Now you cannot even remember what natural light looks like. You cannot see any path to what you once longed for. Your options and advances dissipate like a sugar cube resting on a tongue; the sweetness of solitude soon gone. This wall they have surrounded you with, under the pretense of comfort, has turned into a treacherous mistress. What was once the pillow that absorbed the weight of your head is now the force blocking your vision and airflow, as you suffocate underneath its weight in exchange. You'll find yourself cowering in a corner with a noose around your neck, the tension so strong that any attempt to move away will only sever your life as you know it. Any movement at all will only tighten the hold. So you must stand completely still.

What is a flower
If not for its pollen
What are leaves
To a tree once fallen
What is a nest
With no egg
To a mother
What is a hand
To the face of a lover
What is a path
With no destination
And what is a God
Without a Satan?

What is the sky
If not for a cry
What is a life
If it never must die

I want to take everything I've learned and then form it into words and everyday I'll change and tweak, arrage the letters too true to speak. but i feel more like a caterpiller crawling to the new day that is dawning in search of a branch worth something so complex as its only chance to make a cacoon. let fear ensue. i'm afraid i have rushed it and emerged too soon. i find it is not quite a flight i've opened up to, and they aren't quite wings but they'll do.
the truth?
its not a rose from the tennis court crack but it grows next to the broken beer bottle that is not quite a diamond but still sparkles in the sun. and even if it's forced, it's still a smile at it's worst-- making itself the truth when the day is done.
so what are you saying?
bask long enough in deceit and soon it will seem less like defeat and more like something you chose on your own. so maybe it's not the cookie cutter image shining on display, but who am I to say you can't grow to love. at the end of the day it still awaits. sad little place you call home. believe your thoughts. you are just a well put together mess at its best.