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Jan 2016 · 310
pain
Cam E Jan 2016
how many ways can i say that i miss you
without sounding like a broken record?
to have your soul but not your hands,
your heart but not your body?
i'd cross eight seas to see your face
but the waters are rough and the skies are dark
my heart is breaking
my voice is cracking
i miss you
please come home
distance ruins all
Feb 2015 · 391
nothing
Cam E Feb 2015
at least I could write
when I was feeling depressed
but I'm empty now
Dec 2014 · 523
sad snow
Cam E Dec 2014
it seems my strongest poems came when i was at my weakest
the overflowing words in my mind used to spill onto paper like an avalanche
my thoughts were cold and my eyes would sting when i cried,
praying for the day that snow melted
because even if the poems ****** the skies had cleared;
i was no longer trapped under the crushing weight of sadness

today's a great day to watch the flurries
Cam E Dec 2014
for my 10th birthday
you bought me a gold necklace
and that was the end

yours was the hardest
maybe cause we had no end
we just kind of stopped

you were like a dream
you were so perfect to me
but she was to you

you never liked me
we dated for thirty days
i was just a game

you were my first kiss
and i thought that we'd be great
you picked her instead

thinking about you
and the things you did to me
makes my stomach churn

you are my best friend
you play for the other team
please just love me back
Mar 2014 · 444
depression
Cam E Mar 2014
Depression means
Endless nights of emotional
Pain,
Rainstorms of
Escalating
Sadness that cannot be
Stitched shut because this
Injury is an
Open wound no
N**eedle can fix
Jan 2014 · 1.4k
a better me
Cam E Jan 2014
when i was little, i dreamt of being a princess
because taking charge is what i do best
and why not do it in a long pink dress?

i may not be royalty but i am royally *******
by being an overemotional teenager who ...
listens a bit too much to what society says
and not enough to what she has to say
about herself

i feel like that needle in a haystack
when it comes to the future.
i’m still asking if i can use the bathroom
when i’m expected to have my whole life planned out
by the time the leaves start to change
and i have to surgically remove my arm to sell on the streets so four years from now i’m not living on one ... with nothing but a fancy degree held above my head when it rains the cold realization that i am $100,000 in debt
and have no idea what i’m doing


so what am i supposed to do
when i still find myself comparing who i am now,
to who i could have become
without the challenges of 2012
still hanging on my shoulders


when i lay in bed at night,
thinking about how different i would be
if life hadn’t thrown me a curveball
that knocked me off home plate and out of my comfort zone,
out of the dreams of an ivy league school or graduating with high honors -
when i’m just lucky to be graduating on time.

while my peers are getting acceptance letters,
i’m getting the reminder that the battle has just begun,
the war of me against myself in accepting the past as it is,
regretting my mental disorder will not make it go away no matter how hard i fight.

i know that forgiveness equals growth,
a never-ending road of
constantly changing
twisting and winding
paths that never seem to have any clues
as to which one is the right one.

i’ve blindly picked a path, a quest if you will.
i am on a quest to be the best
no no, let me rephrase, MY best
because my best is all i can give and someday,
those that told me otherwise
will be eating those sugar coated words
when i have finally accepted MY best is true success.

so when i was little, i did dream of becoming a princess
but today, i’m dreaming of being a better me than yesterday
Dec 2013 · 361
a haiku
Cam E Dec 2013
sometimes i wonder

what being in love feels like

then i look at you
Oct 2013 · 852
away
Cam E Oct 2013
Meeting you wasn't luck.
Meeting you was fate,
telling me that I had just found
my guardian angel-
in the form of 500 characters or less
on a social networking website
641 days ago.

Not like I’m counting,
but 15,384 hours ago,
my life changed when you entered
as I had been wishing to leave.

3,140 miles away from me
is your bed,
that has the privilege
of seeing your smiles when you wake;
holding you when you’re sad
because when I extend my arms I embrace only air,
forgetting that you’re 7,287,940 footsteps away.

Because when my stars start to wake
your sun is still vibrant.
180 minutes doesn’t seem like much
until the red numbers on my clock are flashing 2 AM
while you’re still in yesterday’s company.

Sleepovers on 3 and a half inch screens
will suffice for now,
until the day comes
that I knock on your door
with an empty wallet
but an overly full heart.

16,579,200 feet isn’t so far away
When your heart is here with mine
Unable to compare to these hearts that beat
out of habit, not love.

The friendship we have is simply not measured
by the distance between our hands,
but the trust we delicately placed in them-
which we’re reminded of when we both look up to the moon,
as if it’s telling us 3,140 miles means nothing

And if someday I find myself sitting on a plane
10 hours and 29 minutes from meeting you,
my guardian angel,
the 55,382,400 seconds and counting
that you have been with me will seem like nothing
when I touch down in your arms.
for a friend
Apr 2013 · 614
a letter to depression
Cam E Apr 2013
i'm really good at running,
just not down the street.
but away from my fears,
i'm afraid of defeat.

i knew you'd catch up,
i didn't know when.
but depression why must you
come visit again?

i've fought for so long,
it's really not new.
but this time i just
don't know what to do.

i've run out of ways,
to fight you once more.
you're way too persistent;
i'm tired of war.

why'd you pick me?
i'd just like to know.
and please tell me why
you will not let go?

i had some ambitions;
some really big dreams.
did you want me to fail?
cause that's how it seems.

depression, please listen.
i have one final plea:
i want to be happy
so please let me be.
Apr 2013 · 2.4k
unknown
Cam E Apr 2013
what are you
supposed to do
when everything
you know
is replaced
with everything
you don't
Apr 2013 · 1.9k
regrets
Cam E Apr 2013
it's no coincidence dad autocorrects to sad
or that family autocorrects to dysfunctional nights
spent over-thinking spat out words
that were meant to sting
but not to stay embedded in minds that
just like the ocean
slam against the shorelines of our emotions
pushing us so far out
we have no idea what our words mean
only that we'll regret them
when the sun rises
Apr 2013 · 1.3k
i didn't know (cancer)
Cam E Apr 2013
i didn’t know hope
until you became the light
in my time
of total darkness

i didn’t know trust
until i found myself
pouring my problems and insecurities
into your listening ears

i didn’t know fear
until you told me about
the silent killer
deep inside your bones

i didn’t know how to smile
until you told me
it was your reason
to keep fighting

i didn’t know confidence
until you reminded me daily
how perfect i was to you
how much you loved me

i didn’t know strength
until you told me
i had to be strong
for the both of us

i didn’t know anxiety
until i had to wait
days upon days
to hear from you

i didn’t know faith
until every night
i would find myself
praying for your health

i didn’t know regret
until i realized
getting angry with you
didn’t solve anything

i didn’t know shock
until your goodbye came
reminding me how much
i meant to you

i didn’t know reassurance
until you promised
that you would always
be watching over me

i didn’t know love
until you told me
i was the only reason
you held on for so long

i didn’t know sadness
until i barely made out
your final words
you last “i love you”

i didn’t know pain
until i was on the floor
trying to come to terms
that you had passed on

i didn’t know lonely
until i remembered
that you could no longer be
my best friend, my stability

i didn’t know relief
until i realized
you were no longer
in that unbearable pain

i didn’t know cancer
until it took you away
with no apologies
leaving me to wonder

*why you?
r.i.p eli, 4.7.2013.
"i love you now and until forever."
Apr 2013 · 492
warning signs
Cam E Apr 2013
i know the warning signs
i know when it's coming again
i may be prepared this time
but it doesn't make it
any easier to deal with
i know the warning signs
and i don't want to feel
as sad as i used to
ever again
Mar 2013 · 494
there isn't anything
Cam E Mar 2013
there isn't anything i wouldn't do
to see you in each other's arms again
to see you dance around the kitchen
a book in one hand
a wooden spoon in the other

to hear you say i love you
out of love
not out of habit

to see your smiles
when the other walked into the room
not glazed over eyes
focused on the floor

there isn't anything i wouldn't do
to have our family
be whole once again
Mar 2013 · 1.1k
nonexistent
Cam E Mar 2013
i'm not who i was
a year ago
six months ago
one month ago

judging me on my past only means
you're judging someone
who no longer
exists
Mar 2013 · 777
untitled
Cam E Mar 2013
i like to think that i’m content

but i am completely out of my comfort zone

with nowhere to go but here

— The End —