i deserve the pain they cause me
i deserve to be harassed
i deserve to be hated
i deserve all of this
at least that what they tell me

they said it was a phase
that these feelings would fade
and i would be normal
one day they said
you'll settle down
and be happy
but loving a girl
its just a phase
i hope they are right
-c.a

love is like a poison
it courses through your veins
creates a daze that only a kiss can evaporate
the weakness in your knees makes you crumble
hoping they will catch you
as you fall in love with their smile
but when they leave
the poison reaches your heart
and it begins to slow
you seem to die inside
and eventually it leaves your system
you regain your strength
smile again
and laugh
the poison is gone
-c.a

i am a fish
swimming blindly through life
constantly drowning
but air is not an option
its cold
lonely
no voice to scream out
help is non existent
so i keep struggling
hoping one day
i will reach land
-c.a

the haze that covers my eyes
like a blindfold of nightmares
follows me through the day
keeping me from living
and inviting death
-c.a

my stomach is like the rope
knotted and filled with secrets
that i will take to the grave
my pain is too strong
and the strength of the rope is the only means of release
i cry as i slip it around my neck
thinking of those who i leave behind
it doesnt matter
the rope will make me forget
i stumble
fall
blackout
-c.a

the fact that you know so much about me
but could tear me down without a second thought
the fact that even though i trust you with my life 
you might drop me if i fall
and my heart is already in shambles
but you are slowly
carefully
sewing it back together
because one day i will love
without fear
and my heart won't ache when i think about you
i wont be scared anymore
-c.a

i was supposed to grow up to be happy
what happened
-c.a

my nightmares come
in the shape of innocence lost
-c.a

these cotton sheets keep me warm at night
but the memory of you still sends shivers down my spine
-c.a

i cant tell you things will get better
because i am here
glued to this ground crumbling beneath me
but tell me if theres a light ahead
i can't see it
i've hit bottom
goodnight
-c.a

with every smile 
an earthquake erupts in my knees
and i catch myself
before i fall in love again
-c.a

my wrist is a canvas
and i am the painter
the blood streams down my arm
like a river of pain
that calms me with each ripple
the rush of adrenaline
like cliff diving into a lake of sadness below
it hurts
but the beautiful art created by the razor
makes my heart beat fast
and the people who admire from afar
know that i am pained
and i am a beautiful
my scars are a masterpiece
-c.a

swallow your pain
try to hide the shame
because under the fake smiles
and white lies
no one really cares
-c.a

if i had a gun
i would press it against my temple
and feel the pulse radiate through my shaky hands
my thoughts of guilt and doubt running through my mind
and i would consider placing it on the table
consider saving myself for one more day
but instead
i would pull the trigger
-c.a