I'm tired of feeling alone.

I'm scared to resort to that release of pain,
The type that sheds away my skin.

I'm scared to sleep on my own at night,
As the emptiness of the loneliness covers me.

I'm scared to be without the one i love,
The only individual with the power to break me.

I'm scared of everything in life,
Because everything in life can destroy me.

The urgency to escape,
The agony of the pain.
My eyes tired, worn out and sore,
From the countless tears I cried.

I looked around desperately,
Grabbing the only thing in sight.
Tears crawling down my face,
Deeper. Deeper. Deeper.
Redness trickled,
Stinging sensations burst.

I glare into the mirror,
Scowling at my reflection.
My eyes drawing towards the deep scar,
That seems eternally engraved into my arm.

Temptation.
I needed to feel it again.
Urge.
To help me to erase.
Craving.
To stop my mind concentrating on the thought of you.

I wanted to feel the sharpness again,
Tearing apart the untouched tissue upon my arm.
Blood begins to bubble from the fresh new wounds,
A deep dark red that represents my anger, and my overpowering sadness.

The stinging pain overcomes me,
Allowing me to forget,
All that pain you made me feel,
That pain you don't regret.

'Just one more'
I tell myself.
But I continue to keep slashing at my skin.
Soon enough the pain evaporates,
And I eventually become numb.
Numb with sadness and shame.

The room begins to blur,
As more tears form in my eyes.
I glance down to see the damage I've caused,
The deep wounds filled with memories that haunt me in the darkness.
My body is overwhelmed with guilt.

That is my temptation.
To stop myself from thinking of you.
But if you could see the pain you've caused,
And the scars of proof that are visible on my arms,
That I dishonorably and humiliatingly cover underneath my clothing,
Would you regret all that suffering you put me through?
Or would you turn a blind eye in disbelief?

Which I know is what you'd rather do.

We've been through so much together,
The bad as well as good.
As well as all the memories,
We've got tangled within the mud.

The quicksand begins to trap us,
The lies, the cheat and hate.
But even though you've tore me,
I still believe its fate.

I do not regret meeting you,
That coldest month, December.
Although so much has happened,
I can still quite clearly remember,
That laughter and twinkle in your eye,
The silliest memories made,
Since then our hands our tied,
And our love still remains.

I will not ever forget you,
As that is impossible, I swear.
But when you need a helping hand,
I am always there.

I will be your shoulder,
As well as your girlfriend and your best friend,
And as our journey together continues,
Our hearts will begin to mend.

I thought I understood it.
The way the world operated.
The safety and compassion,
The darkness, the secrets and the fears.

I thought I knew myself,
I thought I knew my body.
My bones, my shapes, my figure.
But I did not soon realise this could change.

I thought I knew our passion and devotion,
And the way we were attached when we loved.
But the sensation brought consequences,
And so did I.

I soon imaged the rhythm of the heartbeat for the first time.
I soon imagined that grasp on my forefinger.
I soon imagined the love I felt.
I soon imaged the struggles, the loss and the hate I’d face.

I soon imagined destruction,
The disappearance.
With just two swallows it would be gone for good,
And the fight would be over.


But I never wanted to face that choice,
I wanted to hold the delicate youngster in my arms.
I wanted to protect them from the horrors of the world.
But this was not likely.

I began to question all the possibilities and outcomes,
But no other have sprung to mind.
For I thought I understood myself and the universe,
But I've been left scared and confused.
But what could be worse than living with guilt.

I thought I understood it, but I did not.

Do you ever get that feeling,
When nobody really cares?
When the darkness that surrounds you,
Becomes more than just a scare.

Feeling lonely is more than what you think,
Having nobody there to talk to, Having nobody there to cuddle,
Or having nobody there to wipe your tears away.

Loneliness brings unhappiness,
And unhappiness brings the idea of not wanting to survive.
I don't really see a point,
And sometimes that seems more than just an option.

I used to feel so loved,
Having caring people by my side.
But no one knows my secret,
The one I keep hidden up inside.

The story of my scars,
Is one that only a few people know.
For nobody else has cared enough,
To stop me feeling low.

'Stop being so depressed' they'd say.
Their harsh words jabbed at me.
Ever since those painful few months,
Everyone has drifted apart from me,
And now I'm sat here on my own.

Do you ever get that feeling,
When nobody really cares?
When the darkness that surrounds you,
Becomes more than just a scare.

Sometimes I see that flash back again,
With the bubbles of blood that burst.
The wounds are deep,
I still don't stop,
Continuing to slash at the flesh that appears on my arm.

I don't feel any pain,
But I feel so calm,
The anger and sadness released.
When I eventually manage to stop myself ripping at my skin,
I glance down to see the engravings on my arms.
My sight begins to be unclear and blurry,
As the darkness and sadness returns.

'What have I done' I whisper,
As the hurt I felt returned.
I hung my head in shame,
But the desperation appears again.

I try to fight the guilt I feel,
To stop me from doing it.
'It's no use fighting' I whimper,
And hack at new flesh again.

I wish to feel your presence.
I wish to feel your touch.
I wish to see your angelic face.
I wish to see the matured adult you've grown to be.

I wish that we weren't parted.
I wish that you weren't took so young.
I wish that you had a chance, one you deserved.
One I would have given everything for.

I wish I could appreciate the world that surrounds me.
I wish I could see the beauty of it.
But what is beauty when such a cruel thing has happened?

They tell me you’re an angel,
One who had to be set free.
But all I hope and wish for,
Is that you’re looking over me.

For even if your existence may not be seen,
I know, my dear sister, you’re with me.
Over the clouds, past the sunlight,
You’re watching with granddad,
The life that I must lead.

I want to scream out all my anger.
I want to cry out all my sorrow.
I want to throw away the pain that lingers around me in the darkness.

I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel loved.
I want to not look down at my arm and see all the bad memories that haunt me.

I want to forget about the past.
I want to feel cared about.
I want one chance to be noticed.

I don't want to be invisible.
I don't want to be afraid.
I don't want to be invisible.

I want you.

Even though we argued constantly,
Even though I hardly ever saw you,
Even though I know she's better for you,
Even though we've both moved on,

You should know,
That I really miss you.

I know I have some problems,
Depression could be one.
Feeling so low I just cope,
But I know I can't tell mum.

Self-harming has occurred a few times,
As you may guess, it is my release,
You may look down or be ashamed,
But it is the only way I am set free.

The scars I own remind me,
Of the secrets that I hold.
But as you judge the wounds upon my arm,
It is a dark story that could be told.

One other is my eating,
Which is one that only a few will know.
But this is one of my deepest issues,
That has affected me greatly, so,
Although I may not be able to have children,
Or lead a long happy life as I've wished,
I've still created the most remarkable memories,
Replacing the opportunities I've missed.

I do not have the best life,
But I do not have the worst.
And even though it has been a struggle,
I am blessed for the journey I've had.